U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-01-2019, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Washington state
5,431 posts, read 2,756,099 times
Reputation: 16308

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
Sounds similar to San Francisco, though most buildings have a 60lb max for dogs due to liability. Both of mine are 90.
I think that's because of that woman who was killed by her neighbor's dog.

OP, if your little dog is that frail, maybe you should just stay where you are and consider day trips around your area. If he's been in doggie ICU, he's not going to be up for traveling for a couple months anyway.

But I wouldn't move if someone was bothering me in the way they're bothering you. It would be perfectly possible to move and end up with someone else doing the exact same thing to you. How many times are you going to move because you don't want to establish your boundaries?

The person who's bugging you is doing so because he has no life of his own. His solution to that is to impose himself on you so that you have no life of your own. If the person isn't your landlord or a cop, you don't have to stick around to make yourself available. If you can't be direct enough to tell the person you want some time to yourself, then every time he appears, you simply say something like, "My son (daughter, solicitor, cousin, whatever) is expecting me to call in a few minutes. Excuse me." And then leave. And don't open the door to him. Do this consistently. People eventually learn, just like any other animal. Some just learn slower than others.

Take it from me, you have no obligation to make yourself available to anyone unless you choose to.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-01-2019, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,960 posts, read 3,451,255 times
Reputation: 10475
It seems to me that you have shot down most ideas people have offered. You also have stated that your house is perfect for you.

The main problem appears to be the person you apparently can't say no to. And your dog, although you are willing to board your dog for a short stay.

When I knew I no longer did well in the winter in Minnesota, it still took two bad falls before I gathered my courage to move. I was scared to drive from Minnesota to Arizona but you know what? I was so proud of myself after I did it.

Enabling the person you want to get away from is not doing them any favors. You say the person says you saved them. Well, people have to learn how to save themselves.

I don't know what else to say. Only you can decide what to do when all is said and done. Good luck in your decision.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2019, 11:55 AM
 
Location: planet earth
4,805 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
It seems to me that you have shot down most ideas people have offered. You also have stated that your house is perfect for you.

The main problem appears to be the person you apparently can't say no to. And your dog, although you are willing to board your dog for a short stay.

When I knew I no longer did well in the winter in Minnesota, it still took two bad falls before I gathered my courage to move. I was scared to drive from Minnesota to Arizona but you know what? I was so proud of myself after I did it.

Enabling the person you want to get away from is not doing them any favors. You say the person says you saved them. Well, people have to learn how to save themselves.

I don't know what else to say. Only you can decide what to do when all is said and done. Good luck in your decision.
The problem isn't that a healthy person comes to my house and I can't say "no" - the problem is the person comes to my house in severe distress - needs medical care - not of sound mind or body at the time - could get run over, fall off a cliff, suffer in the elements - has shown up late at night, in pouring rain - this is someone I love, so imagine someone you love showing up in such circumstances - it's difficult because I feel a moral obligation - if I turn the person away while in great need, how can I go about my business, not knowing what became of them? I can't pretend they don't exist. It's not just me not having a "backbone."

Anyway, what I want to do is relocate for a portion of the year elsewhere and see how I like it. What is stopping me from doing that right now is my dog's health - but I am going to go a trip in a couple of months for a week - and maybe I will be able to figure out what to do.

I just feel very vulnerable where I am right now.

If I had someone to protect me (security guard), I would feel better, but obviously that is not going to happen! If I had a partner, we could both brainstorm what to do - but I don't. It's just a hard problem to figure out alone. Sorry I wasn't able to wrap it up in a nice package and be done with it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2019, 09:57 PM
 
Location: Washington state
5,431 posts, read 2,756,099 times
Reputation: 16308
What's going to happen to this person when you move? OK, so then, pretend you've already moved.

And you need to start calling the cops, the paramedics, or find a way to put this person in a place where they can't be harmed. Sometimes love means doing something you both don't want to do to keep both of you healthy and sane.

Are you housebound right now? What happens if you go to the grocery store or the library or out to dinner and this person comes over? What if you had a heart attack tomorrow and died? Then what's going to happen to this person? Are you going to hang around your house for the rest of your life waiting for this person to show up or are you going to have a life of your own? Because right now it sounds like what you are is a 24/7 unpaid caretaker to this person.

At some point you have to make a choice and I feel like you've already made one. I think you want to continue in this way and you just want us to validate that choice. Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I won't do that. If this is what you want to do for the rest of your life, I won't say it's wrong. But dude, if you made this choice, then own it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-01-2019, 10:00 PM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,183 posts, read 1,338,732 times
Reputation: 6286
If this person has mental problems (or drug problems) , you might offer to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital anytime she shows up. Be insistent and pick up the phone. If she doesn't calm down, then make the call and get help.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2019, 06:02 PM
 
Location: USA
1,016 posts, read 352,552 times
Reputation: 843
Nope, move 1,100+ miles away

If the few we dont care for want to visit we suggest a nearby hotel as we do not have an extra bedroom
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-04-2019, 08:08 AM
 
4,343 posts, read 6,052,492 times
Reputation: 10428
You should move away to enrich, not to escape. Running away from, instead of toward, never works. Figure out what you'd like in your retirement years and go for that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-04-2019, 08:47 AM
 
11,118 posts, read 8,523,617 times
Reputation: 28059
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
The problem isn't that a healthy person comes to my house and I can't say "no" - the problem is the person comes to my house in severe distress - needs medical care - not of sound mind or body at the time - could get run over, fall off a cliff, suffer in the elements - has shown up late at night, in pouring rain - this is someone I love, so imagine someone you love showing up in such circumstances - it's difficult because I feel a moral obligation - if I turn the person away while in great need, how can I go about my business, not knowing what became of them? I can't pretend they don't exist. It's not just me not having a "backbone."

Anyway, what I want to do is relocate for a portion of the year elsewhere and see how I like it. What is stopping me from doing that right now is my dog's health - but I am going to go a trip in a couple of months for a week - and maybe I will be able to figure out what to do.

I just feel very vulnerable where I am right now.

If I had someone to protect me (security guard), I would feel better, but obviously that is not going to happen! If I had a partner, we could both brainstorm what to do - but I don't. It's just a hard problem to figure out alone. Sorry I wasn't able to wrap it up in a nice package and be done with it.
This doesn't make any sense. How would protection from a partner have any effect on the relative's visits?

You are not stupid or helpless.

1. If the relative needs medical care, refer them to medical professionals.
2. If they need mental/emotional support, refer them to mental health professionals.
3. If they show up in the middle of the night, let them in. let them sit down, and then call 911 or a 24 hr crisis line.
4. When the relative is stable, set up boundaries and instruct them on available help elsewhere.
5. For the pet thing, ask your vet how soon can the dog fly. Plan your trip for that time. They have vets at the other location.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-04-2019, 08:49 AM
 
Location: Florida -
8,760 posts, read 10,829,371 times
Reputation: 16622
Sounds like your relative is one of those people who can't or won't take "NO" for an answer -- and is unwilling to see themselves as a nuisance or worse, a 'stalker.'

OTOH, you seem willing to run-away and hide, even becoming a captive in your own home or like an 'on-the-run-fugitive' in your own life, rather than say "NO."

One possibility is to work through your attorney to put a restraining order on file. Then have your attorney contact this person and explain exactly what is expected --- and the consequences to them of violating the order.

This may seem heavy-handed, but, what choice do you have? (...except to go into hiding for the rest of your life). You have been repeatedly told that you need to say "NO," but, that is apparently too far outside of your comfort zone. Thus, you need someone else to say "NO" for you. And, to ensure your "NO" gets heard, it needs to have some serious consequences.

Then, if this person doesn't honor the conditions of your restraining order, follow through! (Again, you can do this at arms-length through others). Ultimately, you will get your life back - and this person will be out of it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-04-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: New Mexico
6,542 posts, read 3,650,165 times
Reputation: 12300
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post

Anyway, what I want to do is relocate for a portion of the year elsewhere and see how I like it. What is stopping me from doing that right now is my dog's health - but I am going to go a trip in a couple of months for a week - and maybe I will be able to figure out what to do.
There -- you have a plan.
I had friends who rented a little apartment for a few months each winter. Even renting a cabin or mobile home would work. Take a cruise or a long cross country Amtrak trip. But, never tell your nemesis where to find you. Do not answer phone calls from them. (But - Tell someone you trust where you are going,)

This other person will fall off a cliff or get hit by a bus whether you are there or not. It is not your fault. You are not their savior or enabler or babysitter. They need professional help.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top