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Old 07-05-2019, 03:14 PM
 
2,222 posts, read 1,094,492 times
Reputation: 9061

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post

As an older woman, I have done my share of caregiving.

Tell the person this, and be firm about it.

 
Old 07-05-2019, 03:18 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,768 posts, read 4,822,990 times
Reputation: 19382
I know this is a radical suggestion, but how about telling him/her the truth???

When addict relative calls next crying etc, say something to the effect of "Please let me speak to you for two minutes without interruption, okay? I love you Billie, but you know in the past I've done everything I could to try and help you, and I ended up just feeling used by you. Over and over again. You never call unless it's because you need something from me. Now I'm getting up there in age and I don't have the strength, the money, or the energy to deal with your bulls*** any longer. You're an addict, I can't change that. You have health problems? Then apply for Medicaid and go to a doctor. You need shelter? Call (insert name of local shelter here). I am no longer available to you as a safety net. All that is over. I can't help you. I love you, but it's over. Do you understand?"

Demand a yes or no answer to "do you understand?" And then say "Good, I have to go now, good-bye".
 
Old 07-05-2019, 04:18 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,806 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by TMSRetired View Post
Oh no it doesn't sound weird at all. They refuse to be manipulated.
From the person's young childhood?

Interesting!
 
Old 07-05-2019, 04:19 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,806 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
I know this is a radical suggestion, but how about telling him/her the truth???

When addict relative calls next crying etc, say something to the effect of "Please let me speak to you for two minutes without interruption, okay? I love you Billie, but you know in the past I've done everything I could to try and help you, and I ended up just feeling used by you. Over and over again. You never call unless it's because you need something from me. Now I'm getting up there in age and I don't have the strength, the money, or the energy to deal with your bulls*** any longer. You're an addict, I can't change that. You have health problems? Then apply for Medicaid and go to a doctor. You need shelter? Call (insert name of local shelter here). I am no longer available to you as a safety net. All that is over. I can't help you. I love you, but it's over. Do you understand?"

Demand a yes or no answer to "do you understand?" And then say "Good, I have to go now, good-bye".
I've said all of these exact words except "It's over, do you understand."

Thank you, though. I need to hear this.
 
Old 07-05-2019, 04:26 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,806 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallysmom View Post
I don’t know if anyone suggested this, but you can attend a version of narc-anon for the families of addicted. It will help you because you will have a guideline to follow, and people who have been there, done that, and can help you create the boundaries you need.

I’ve dealt with a mentally ill person in my life, and it was awful and ugly. And until I set boundaries, she ruled the roost, and when I set boundaries, she found some else who wanted to “save” her.

Good riddance.

And I’m going to be honest. Some people need to feel needed. It’s their addiction. If you should decide to help her, you need to know why. And be real about the outcome.

You can’t fix her. My mentally ill person — trust me, she had millions of reasons why it wasn’t her. She refused to get help, it’s not her, it's everybody else.

Addicts are the same. This is clearly not working, but if you give her a safe place to land, in her mind it is working. And she will use you up, and toss you out.

Lastly, although you feel a sense of responsibility, this is absolutely NOT your problem. She has parents. “No” is a complete sentence.

I wish you a sense of relief whatever you decide.
Thank you for all of this - the "needing to be needed" seems to be in play in some really weird way (it has to do with "stuff" - I am trying to unravel it with my therapist) - but something about someone I love needing something (some material thing like groceries or clothing items - very specific - not money) - I love recycling and repurposing, and filling tangible needs - I have helped other people too (set up GoFundMe's for homeless people to buy them supplies, set up a GoFundMe for a guy whose car had a tree fall on it, bought baby clothes for an addict mom for her child - didn't know her) - those last things - the things for strangers, don't give the satisfaction of giving stuff to this relative that I love. I think it's some kind of hard-wired basic survival thing that comes with being a mom? But I don't have it with other kids - it's something, for sure - having to do with a loved one's need and my ability to fill that need (but not with money - filling it with money doesn't make me feel good - I have done that - paid sober living rent, rehabs, etc. - not the same as buying groceries). I can't be the only person in the world with this problem. It does help me to process it - maybe I will gain more insight. I basically want the person to live and be healthy, and I can't affect that, but I keep trying.
 
Old 07-06-2019, 05:29 AM
 
6,211 posts, read 4,715,040 times
Reputation: 12697
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
I know this is a radical suggestion, but how about telling him/her the truth???

When addict relative calls next crying etc, say something to the effect of "Please let me speak to you for two minutes without interruption, okay? I love you Billie, but you know in the past I've done everything I could to try and help you, and I ended up just feeling used by you. Over and over again. You never call unless it's because you need something from me. Now I'm getting up there in age and I don't have the strength, the money, or the energy to deal with your bulls*** any longer. You're an addict, I can't change that. You have health problems? Then apply for Medicaid and go to a doctor. You need shelter? Call (insert name of local shelter here). I am no longer available to you as a safety net. All that is over. I can't help you. I love you, but it's over. Do you understand?"

Demand a yes or no answer to "do you understand?" And then say "Good, I have to go now, good-bye".
Trying to reason with an addict is a worthless endeavor and will only suck those who try into the abyss.

Instead of bringing this issue to a retirement forum, the OP may find way better help by attending a Nar Anon meeting. If there are no meetings conveniently available, Al Anon can help.
 
Old 07-06-2019, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Squirrel Tree
1,185 posts, read 257,615 times
Reputation: 464
Crack boy needs to be kicked to the curb and put in a home for crackheads not a leach on their parents.
 
Old 07-06-2019, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,768 posts, read 4,822,990 times
Reputation: 19382
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
Trying to reason with an addict is a worthless endeavor and will only suck those who try into the abyss.

Instead of bringing this issue to a retirement forum, the OP may find way better help by attending a Nar Anon meeting. If there are no meetings conveniently available, Al Anon can help.
Really the "speech" I suggested is more for the benefit of NB, rather than the addict. Not reasoning so much as a statement of the facts. At least she can feel like she has given them the explanation of why she can't help, without resorting to lies, and she should be able to say no without guilt at that point. After that, just keep repeating no until she gets tired of it and blocks his number.
 
Old 07-06-2019, 09:38 AM
 
Location: planet earth
4,806 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
Trying to reason with an addict is a worthless endeavor and will only suck those who try into the abyss.

Instead of bringing this issue to a retirement forum, the OP may find way better help by attending a Nar Anon meeting. If there are no meetings conveniently available, Al Anon can help.
"Instead of?"

No one forced you to click on this thread.

There's a sticky in the forum that addresses this.

It was posted here, specifically because I am old - and there are probably other old people in my same boat with similar challenges.

It irks me that some people think the Retirement Forum is only to discuss their investments and insurance.
 
Old 07-06-2019, 09:39 AM
 
5,405 posts, read 2,813,304 times
Reputation: 10100
Do you enjoy playing martyr? If so, you play right into the manipulator’s claws.
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