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Old 07-04-2019, 05:33 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,819 posts, read 1,835,435 times
Reputation: 10707

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Taffee72 View Post
Does that relative have parents living still or any siblings? Can any of those people take care of him? Why must the caregiving fall to you?

In the worst case scenario, you could always make up that you yourself have a health issue and just can't take care of him (if a simple no doesn't work).
Great idea. I will make up some horrible, rare disease! Thank you!

 
Old 07-04-2019, 05:38 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,819 posts, read 1,835,435 times
Reputation: 10707
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I understand what the OP is asking, I think. What will she do when relative decides he/she needs care, and either threatens or does decamp to her doorstep?

OP, I think you should communicate up front that you cannot be this person's caregiver. I don't think it is enough to say "no." You need to be clear that you will not do caregiving, or give shelter to this person. Once you have someone living with you, it can be legally hard to get them to leave. So, do not allow him/her to stay one night under your roof.

We already know this person does not accept "no" as an answer. I think devising a script that says you cannot offer shelter or caregiving to this person is what you need to say. You do not owe this person a reason, and this person will not be "no trouble" or "help around the house." You know this. So, refuse to allow it to happen.

If you do get calls, and you do fear this person will suddenly appear in your life, expecting food, shelter and caregiving, see an attorney for a consult, so you know your rights, and any pitfalls of helping this person out.
IMO, what you do not want is this person traveling to your house with expectations. What would you do if this person showed up at your door during a driving rain or snowstorm? You do not want that, so say firmly early on that this is not an option.

You can always block calls from this person, if you feel worried about constant badgering.

I feel for you in this situation.
Whoa! Thank you! I felt such a sigh of relief reading your response. You have shared many great ideas that I could not come up with myself!!! I think I will see an elder attorney, to see if there are other suggestions.

I have looked up elder abuse numbers - and put them in my phone.

Your one example of showing up in inclement weather actually DID happen. It was raining and had been for days and all night. I was in my front yard, bringing my garbage bins in and this person showed up, completely drenched from head-to-toe! I was shocked! Brought the person in, offered shower, washed clothes - they did not leave for a week! When I asked why the person was drenched, they said they didn't know, but they walked several miles to a safe part of town and sat on a bench in the rain all night. This is what I am dealing with!

Thank you!
 
Old 07-04-2019, 05:49 PM
 
11,126 posts, read 8,534,553 times
Reputation: 28094
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Yes, my other thread was about a YOUNG relatives and so is this one. I am the old person. Geez yourself.

And watching Intervention? That's your sage advice? Really?
You will see interventionists and counselors who teach families how to establish real boundaries that lead the addict towards treatment and away from CODEPENDENCY. Maybe you would see yourself.

If you love this person, then push them towards treatment. Accommodating their dysfunction is not love at all. You have to ask YOURSELF what YOU are getting out of this dysfunctional relationship. Do you have a savior complex? Are you afraid of rejection or confrontation?

Drug treatment is readily available from many resources.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 06:02 PM
 
487 posts, read 114,460 times
Reputation: 1096
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
The common usage, as was indicated in the many different explanations, is of someone addicted to heroin or other opiates - "junk" = heroin . . .

Anyway, the bottom line is that it is rude to refer to a human being with mental health/addiction issues as a "junkie."

I hope I remember that about you, because it is unkind and demoralizing.
No, junkie is anyone addicted to narcotics.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 06:03 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,618 posts, read 70,508,089 times
Reputation: 76601
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I don't know how much of an issue this is - but it is something I am worrying about today.

I have a young relative who called yesterday with some bad test results - and said that they wanted to "come home to die."

The person is very dramatic and has substance abuse issues.

As an older woman, I have done my share of caregiving. I helped raise this person, and I managed the care of both of my parents - through illnesses to eventual demises. That caregiving went on for 11 years.

The person in question's lifestyle is negatively impacting their health.

The silent expectation in society is that women *should* just buck up and take care of whomever needs it.

I know there is no expectation that my ex-husband would ever have to take care of anybody.

I love this person whose health may be deteriorating due to the chosen lifestyle, and it would devastate me to hear of worse or emergency news, but I don't feel capable of caregiving at this point - and especially since the person has substance abuse issues and is difficult.

In an emergency, what would I do?

Where I live, hospitals dump old, infirm patients in wheelchairs on the streets in any kind of weather.

Also, this person would qualify for state medical insurance but refuses to follow through to obtain it.

What can I do? (And don't forget, I love the person so just forgetting them is not an option and they will come to me in crisis).
Are you on speaking terms with the person's dad? Could you ask the dad to field this issue, since you're drained from caregiving your parents, and need to recover (or whatever reason you give)? Or simply tell the person you're not in any condition right now, yourself, to take on this project, and suggest they approach their father? You're absolutely right; dads need to step up. The dad can create a rule, that the boomerang offspring be in rehab, and sign up for medical insurance, in order to "earn" his help and support.

Good luck! Place your own self-care at the top of your priority list, iron-clad!
 
Old 07-04-2019, 06:04 PM
 
487 posts, read 114,460 times
Reputation: 1096
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Whoa! Thank you! I felt such a sigh of relief reading your response. You have shared many great ideas that I could not come up with myself!!! I think I will see an elder attorney, to see if there are other suggestions.

I have looked up elder abuse numbers - and put them in my phone.

Your one example of showing up in inclement weather actually DID happen. It was raining and had been for days and all night. I was in my front yard, bringing my garbage bins in and this person showed up, completely drenched from head-to-toe! I was shocked! Brought the person in, offered shower, washed clothes - they did not leave for a week! When I asked why the person was drenched, they said they didn't know, but they walked several miles to a safe part of town and sat on a bench in the rain all night. This is what I am dealing with!

Thank you!
And knowing you will take them in and care for them will just have them knocking at your door over and over again.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 06:09 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,618 posts, read 70,508,089 times
Reputation: 76601
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Your one example of showing up in inclement weather actually DID happen. It was raining and had been for days and all night. I was in my front yard, bringing my garbage bins in and this person showed up, completely drenched from head-to-toe! I was shocked! Brought the person in, offered shower, washed clothes - they did not leave for a week! When I asked why the person was drenched, they said they didn't know, but they walked several miles to a safe part of town and sat on a bench in the rain all night. This is what I am dealing with!

Thank you!
This sounds like there may be a mental health issue involved. S/he should probably get an evaluation. For that, they'll need the health insurance. S/he could also start seeing the local state vocational rehab office to find out what resources are available. They would advise on how/where to get an evaluation, rehab, and may arrange a meeting with someone about applying for social security, if the person is evaluated as mentally ill. They can arrange a meeting with a specialist to help them apply for Medicaid/Obamacare.

All this counseling is absolutely free. The voc rehab offices aren't exclusively about employment preparedness. They help people who may have a disability of any sort (mental or physical, PTSD, whatever), that prevents them from working.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 06:10 PM
 
1,945 posts, read 1,336,026 times
Reputation: 3327
You tell this relative who is abusing herself your age multiple times and ask them how the hell are you expected to take care of her and yourself?

Say taking care of her will only drive yourself to a grave earlier. Ask her who's going to take of YOU when you are drained of energy and your health is declining?
 
Old 07-04-2019, 06:12 PM
 
Location: R.I.
974 posts, read 604,389 times
Reputation: 4213
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I know it's hard to get specific advice, especially when the facts are so sketchy.

The person got bad lab reports and called me to say they wanted to "come home to die."

First of all, my house is not their home - they have been in and out of rehabs and sober living environments.

My question was wondering what to do if the person got really sick and had nowhere to go and had the expectation that I would take care of them. I guess it was very vague - it's a problem because there are a lot of people with addictions, who must be in dire straits medically sometimes - and I am guessing "the family" is expected to care for them.

I mentioned that I have done my share of caregiving, am old, and am female, and that females are often expected to do this (and any other) kind of caregiving that is necessary.

So I was asking for advice on a personal level and also stating what the society expectations seem to be.

Since this is the Retirement Forum, I was guessing there might be others with these issues or concerns. We know addiction is a huge problem - and people have families, ergo, why the silence from others who are either having or have had this experience?

Or maybe THIS particular demographic of elders is the rare breed that does not have "such" problems in their families - and for that, they can thank their lucky stars.

I am an R.N. and work with many Veterans with substance addictions of all types. If your family member has a long history of substance abuse and that abuse also included alcohol the likelihood that your family member at some point in time contracted Hepatitis C is very high. And if he did not have successful treatment for Hep C his bad report may indicate that not only is his liver function in serious decline from Hep C compounded by alcohol abuse, many who have contracted Hep C often end up with liver cancer. When patients are in end stage liver failure these patients health care needs rapidly increase where it is difficult to care for them at home since many become due to a build up of ammonia in their blood often become very confused and at times even combative.

Without your physical in-home care giving intervention which is a big undertaking for even the most able bodied, your family member will likely end up at some point hospitalized. And when this happens, if his status at that time indicates he is in end stage liver failure, an emergency Medicaid application is filed and quickly processed so arrangements can then be made for him to be transferred to an inpatient hospice facility. If one is not available he will be transferred to a nursing home where hospices services will be brought in to initiate comfort level of care treatments to help him have as painless as possible death.

Sorry I can't help you make your difficult decision because that kind of decision is a very personal one, but did want you to know what your family member may likely be facing which may help you to decide if you want to become involved and if so at what point you would want that involvement to happen.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 06:19 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,051,434 times
Reputation: 12815
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightengale212 View Post
I am an R.N. and work with many Veterans with substance addictions of all types. If your family member has a long history of substance abuse and that abuse also included alcohol the likelihood that your family member at some point in time contracted Hepatitis C is very high. And if he did not have successful treatment for Hep C his bad report may indicate that not only is his liver function in serious decline from Hep C compounded by alcohol abuse, many who have contracted Hep C often end up with liver cancer. When patients are in end stage liver failure these patients health care needs rapidly increase where it is difficult to care for them at home since many become due to a build up of ammonia in their blood often become very confused and at times even combative.

Without your physical in-home care giving intervention which is a big undertaking for even the most able bodied, your family member will likely end up at some point hospitalized. And when this happens, if his status at that time indicates he is in end stage liver failure, an emergency Medicaid application is filed and quickly processed so arrangements can then be made for him to be transferred to an inpatient hospice facility. If one is not available he will be transferred to a nursing home where hospices services will be brought in to initiate comfort level of care treatments to help him have as painless as possible death.

Sorry I can't help you make your difficult decision because that kind of decision is a very personal one, but did want you to know what your family member may likely be facing which may help you to decide if you want to become involved and if so at what point you would want that involvement to happen.
oh wow - nightengale! We are living this right now with a sibling

That ammonia buildup is so scary. Thankfully he has finally been placed in a veterans home where they know how to handle that. He is doing better, but we realize that the end is near.
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