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Old 07-04-2019, 11:24 AM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,594,113 times
Reputation: 19638

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I don't know how much of an issue this is - but it is something I am worrying about today.

I have a young relative who called yesterday with some bad test results - and said that they wanted to "come home to die."

The person is very dramatic and has substance abuse issues.

As an older woman, I have done my share of caregiving. I helped raise this person, and I managed the care of both of my parents - through illnesses to eventual demises. That caregiving went on for 11 years.

The person in question's lifestyle is negatively impacting their health.

The silent expectation in society is that women *should* just buck up and take care of whomever needs it.

I know there is no expectation that my ex-husband would ever have to take care of anybody.

I love this person whose health may be deteriorating due to the chosen lifestyle, and it would devastate me to hear of worse or emergency news, but I don't feel capable of caregiving at this point - and especially since the person has substance abuse issues and is difficult.

In an emergency, what would I do?

Where I live, hospitals dump old, infirm patients in wheelchairs on the streets in any kind of weather.

Also, this person would qualify for state medical insurance but refuses to follow through to obtain it.

What can I do? (And don't forget, I love the person so just forgetting them is not an option and they will come to me in crisis).

 
Old 07-04-2019, 11:29 AM
 
54 posts, read 33,320 times
Reputation: 199
Just say "No". If you don't want to do it then don't do it. It's pretty simple. Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself. This sounds like one of those times.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 12:21 PM
 
2,759 posts, read 2,022,169 times
Reputation: 5005
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I have a young relative who called yesterday with some bad test results - and said that they wanted to "come home to die."

The person is very dramatic and has substance abuse issues.

Also, this person would qualify for state medical insurance but refuses to follow through to obtain it.
Like the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

It sounds as if this person is in a self-destructive mode, has been that way for some time, and has no REAL desire to change things or make any effort to help themselves. Also, the "drama queen/king" personality you mentioned makes it possible that perhaps the test results aren't as bad as they are saying they are. I knew someone who would exaggerate things like that simply in order to gain sympathy and attention.

As someone who spent most of her life feeling "obligated" to step in and help or do things for others, and resenting both the other person and my own weakness as a result, I suggest practicing this response over and over again: "I'm so sorry to hear this, but it's just not possible for me to be of help right now."

Don't feel that you need to explain why not.

Don't let yourself get sucked into any "but if..." or "what if..." or "but what else can I do?" discussions.

Just keep repeating "I'm sorry but I just can't." Over and over again. The only other addition might be to say "I'm dealing with too many difficult things in my own life right now" ... but do NOT go into any details about what they are.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 01:40 PM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,242 posts, read 12,829,594 times
Reputation: 54012
We already had this thread on you being unable to say No to your junkie relative.

I'm guessing the whole "come home to die" drama is yet another way to get you to give in. They'll try anything.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 24,978,757 times
Reputation: 51106
Quote:
Originally Posted by nancymyers2000 View Post
Just say "No". If you don't want to do it then don't do it. It's pretty simple. Sometimes you just have to look out for yourself. This sounds like one of those times.
I agree.

You could offer to help them fill out papers to get on Medicaid (at their house or in a public space) and into a facility. I would be worried if they even stepped foot into your house that they would never leave.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 01:59 PM
 
1,914 posts, read 2,225,651 times
Reputation: 14556
What can you do? You can say no and keep saying no. Any offer of help of any kind will be seen and used as a means to manipulate you further. Just keep telling them no. They will eventually give up and find someone else to exploit.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 02:29 PM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,594,113 times
Reputation: 19638
Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
Like the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

It sounds as if this person is in a self-destructive mode, has been that way for some time, and has no REAL desire to change things or make any effort to help themselves. Also, the "drama queen/king" personality you mentioned makes it possible that perhaps the test results aren't as bad as they are saying they are. I knew someone who would exaggerate things like that simply in order to gain sympathy and attention.

As someone who spent most of her life feeling "obligated" to step in and help or do things for others, and resenting both the other person and my own weakness as a result, I suggest practicing this response over and over again: "I'm so sorry to hear this, but it's just not possible for me to be of help right now."

Don't feel that you need to explain why not.

Don't let yourself get sucked into any "but if..." or "what if..." or "but what else can I do?" discussions.

Just keep repeating "I'm sorry but I just can't." Over and over again. The only other addition might be to say "I'm dealing with too many difficult things in my own life right now" ... but do NOT go into any details about what they are.
This is such great advice! Giving the message and not going into details. I have been kind of practicing this so the timing is good for reinforcement.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 02:34 PM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,594,113 times
Reputation: 19638
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
We already had this thread on you being unable to say No to your junkie relative.

I'm guessing the whole "come home to die" drama is yet another way to get you to give in. They'll try anything.
Yes - it escalated yesterday - the person was hysterical - and I am never prepared.

The first thread was "How to Say 'No"" - but this one is specific to the issue of old women being expected to caregive . . . there is an expectation that if you are female you MUST open your doors to whomever needs care in your family, regardless of why they got into whatever dire condition they are in!

AND . . . I am a senior . . . there are issues related to my age - I don't have the stamina I once had - there are also laws that protect seniors ("Elder Abuse" - don't know if they apply if someone just keeps badgering you and showing up in crisis . . .) - I think it is probably a very important, silent issue that many old women might be facing.

I know I belong to a FB group for people dealing with family members with substance abuse problems, and 99% of them are mothers and grandmothers - no dads or grandpas in sight.

So it's a female issue, and in many cases, an elder issue.

Just wanted to introduce that aspect.

Edited to add: It is very rude to call people "junkies," and in this case, that specific term does not apply.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 02:35 PM
 
Location: planet earth
8,620 posts, read 5,594,113 times
Reputation: 19638
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaofan View Post
What can you do? You can say no and keep saying no. Any offer of help of any kind will be seen and used as a means to manipulate you further. Just keep telling them no. They will eventually give up and find someone else to exploit.
You are 100% correct.

I have been a sucker because I love the person and want to think well of them.

Ugh.
 
Old 07-04-2019, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Occupant of USA.
924 posts, read 408,532 times
Reputation: 1281
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaofan View Post
What can you do? You can say no and keep saying no. Any offer of help of any kind will be seen and used as a means to manipulate you further. Just keep telling them no. They will eventually give up and find someone else to exploit.
This right there. Read it. Heed it. And read it again. These types of people are users and a majority never change. Lock the doors and change the locks if you have to. No, longer, your, problem. Don’t let it become a problem.

Last edited by StillinICT; 07-04-2019 at 02:36 PM.. Reason: Typo
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