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Old 07-13-2019, 12:34 PM
 
4,451 posts, read 2,626,458 times
Reputation: 10382

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OP, I feel for you.

Be sure to check out the Caregiving forum here.

We just put my 91,yr old FIL into a nursing home due to falling too much in a 6 level home and due to dementia.
After MIL passed in 2013, we tried to get FIL to take steps to secure his financial future. And of course if he insisted onan inheritance for my Other Half ( OH), to help protect those assets. He did none of it with an attitude of " you'll get it when I am dead".

BUt, because he took no steps, his entire estate is in limbo and we can do nothing. Our hands are tied.
We dont have the money to support his house too, let alone pay the $12,500/m nursing home bills he has.
His house will lose a lot of value as come winter, the electric and heat will be off, the pipes will all freeze after the sump floods the basement, furnace and water heater.
We can't even take anything out of the house that actually belongs to my OH.

If we file article 81 guardian of a disabled adult here, we still cannot process any real estate transactions.

Our attorney is going to go do a determination if he is capable of signing power of attorney or not.
We should find out this week.
He'll fight oer adding me as alternative to the POA, though my OH strongly advised FIL that OH is NOT always available and I NEED to be alternate. FIL stated "i won't be blackmailed into signing it."!!!! Blackmailed??? No, to insure SOMEONE is available to make sure bills are paid and decisions made on his behalf!!

I have been a family member for 20 years. Ive done nothing to him, but he doesn't approve of me for what ever reason.

Meanwhile, at my soon to be 56. My OH s 60, we have physical problems of our own getting worse as we age. Ive already been collecting SSDI, but i have also been working part time, and unless I find a new field I have to stop again.
My OH is getting to where due to Pagets bone disease, getting around is harder too.
We just finished about an hour outside doing very much needed yard work.
I can hardly walk now on my right leg, i wore it out completely. I need new injections and radio frequency ablation done to my hip and knee.

There are two phases ive developed:

"Getting old is NOT for the young "

And "age always has its revenge "

Best of luck to you, OP

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Old 07-13-2019, 12:42 PM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,676 posts, read 40,039,994 times
Reputation: 23825
I became a caregiver for a disabled parent the day I turned 18. Role reversal.

I have my application to SNF filled out and signed in case I don't make it home from today's motorcycle ride. By age 80, I will have 100% instructions designated for any scenario. I will be in a sustainable home with living area for a resident caregiver.
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Old 07-13-2019, 01:48 PM
Status: "I am Blessed." (set 14 days ago)
 
Location: Spurs country. "Go, Spurs, Go!"
3,426 posts, read 3,980,312 times
Reputation: 8909
I am "the top of the food chain". I am alone for the first time in my life. I never thought ahead to "old age" in the sense of what it would be like, but I certainly did not expect it to be so lonely. I don't have a female friend to do things with, like I had in the distant past/my younger years.

I "retired" (but still had to work) when I moved to another state, and said I only wanted "fun jobs". For the last 16 years that is what I have worked, and along with attending my community and church functions, volunteering to drive elderly church members and elderly friends I have made during volunteer visits to medical appts or shopping, visiting church family who have gone into assisted living, I have been so busy I haven't taken care of my own household duties. I have been experiencing "burn-out", I am so busy. This keeps the loneliness at bay.........

So, I am not volunteering for anything anymore, not until I get my own house in order. Then, I want to travel, ie day trips, bus trips with my community, or the local Senior Center, or the summer School Enrichment program trips. Trouble is, I now don't have the desire as I don't have anyone I can do these trips with. Yea, I could do them alone and make a new "friend" on the bus, but it is still not the same as having someone you can be yourself with share the trip, the experience and the room.

I have found that I don't like the "cycle of life", I HATE change, but life goes on and there is nothing we can do about it except roll with it.
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Old 07-13-2019, 03:54 PM
 
2,081 posts, read 876,200 times
Reputation: 5126
Seems like you are projecting a negative future for yourself, but it doesn't mean that is what will happen. We don't have to wind up like our parents. We don't have to spend our lives caring for others or being cared for either. We may, but we may not also. No one knows what the future holds. At our age we need to be grateful for every day of life and make the best of every day we get. Like Shakespeare said, nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so. You are retiring from your nanny job with the grandchild, but what you do now is up to you. Take care of yourself and your partner. If you need more, get a puppy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by goingstrong View Post
I've moved through life in a series of phases - the carefree single phase, the young couple with kids in tow phase, the stressed out teen parenting phase, the empty nester phase, and the grandparenting phase. I happily ended each phase without a backward glance until I arrived at this new one. Due to a job change that allows for her mother to pick her up after school, I am free from after school childcare for youngest granddaughter. I have long looked forward to having more free time but now that it’s here, I realize that the end of this phase puts me one step closer to the phase I do not want to enter. The one that I dread. The one that I’m going through with my mother. The phase where you are no longer responsible for other family members, but instead are someone that other family members need to be responsible for. I don’t think my mother realized when she shifted into this phase of her life - she only needed a little help around the house, the vacuum cleaner was suddenly much heavier and she couldn’t see well enough to notice the dust and dirt collecting, and all of a sudden bill collectors were calling even though she was sure she sent them a payment but she couldn’t quite figure out her checkbook. I don’t want to go there - I’m not ready for that phase. Will I know it when it happens - will I care? As I look forward to more freedom and travel this knowing of what is finished and what is yet to come hangs over me like a black cloud. I’m sure I will work through it, but I think for me this will be the most difficult phase of my life yet. What phase of life are you in and what has been the most difficult for you?
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Old 07-13-2019, 03:58 PM
 
3,588 posts, read 1,402,497 times
Reputation: 7079
"What phase of life are you in and what has been the most difficult for you?"

1. phase: retirement. so far, so good. we are responsible for my wife's parents who are incompetent.
we do the best we can. they are well cared for and happy with our efforts and results.

2. difficult: refusing the "since you are retired...would you (whatever)?" requests.

my wife has already planned our next phase...CCRC (continuing care retirement community).
there are two that we like, so we are on their waiting lists. based upon our experience:
Do Not Wait. the two CCRC's had an 8-year waiting list.

Last edited by turkeydance; 07-13-2019 at 04:02 PM.. Reason: cant spel
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Old 07-13-2019, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
9,013 posts, read 7,774,270 times
Reputation: 12252
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
You are thinking too much. All phases happen gradually and you don't realize it until you look back. Being a caregiver starts with assistance and moves to help and then to dependence. Child care is the same but in reverse. Health problems are different for everyone. Some never have any and some have them for decades. It's the luck of the draw. Worry about them if they happen.

Most people I know in your current phase are having the time of their life. I never hear them mention the next phase except when making a joke.
One of the toughest parts about aging as a couple, is having to worry about the other person more than yourself. When my wife died I had to shift my thinking from us..us..us...to me...me...me. The me..me...me is a he!! of a lot easier.

A 77 year old widower

Last edited by johngolf; 07-13-2019 at 04:13 PM..
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Old 07-13-2019, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,411 posts, read 9,162,606 times
Reputation: 13130
Quote:
Originally Posted by goingstrong View Post
I've moved through life in a series of phases - the carefree single phase, the young couple with kids in tow phase, the stressed out teen parenting phase, the empty nester phase, and the grandparenting phase. I happily ended each phase without a backward glance until I arrived at this new one. Due to a job change that allows for her mother to pick her up after school, I am free from after school childcare for youngest granddaughter. I have long looked forward to having more free time but now that itís here, I realize that the end of this phase puts me one step closer to the phase I do not want to enter. The one that I dread. The one that Iím going through with my mother. The phase where you are no longer responsible for other family members, but instead are someone that other family members need to be responsible for. I donít think my mother realized when she shifted into this phase of her life - she only needed a little help around the house, the vacuum cleaner was suddenly much heavier and she couldnít see well enough to notice the dust and dirt collecting, and all of a sudden bill collectors were calling even though she was sure she sent them a payment but she couldnít quite figure out her checkbook. I donít want to go there - Iím not ready for that phase. Will I know it when it happens - will I care I forward to more freedom and travel this knowing of what is finished and what is yet to come han me like a black cloud. Iím sure I will work through it, but I think for me this will be the most difficult phase of my life yet. What phase of life are you in and what has been the most difficult for you?
Why are you so sure you wii loose your marbles? Yes it happens to a few, but not to all. With that said forgetting to pay your bills is a sign of mild dementia.
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Old 07-13-2019, 07:55 PM
 
706 posts, read 187,893 times
Reputation: 1677
Quote:
Originally Posted by StealthRabbit View Post
... By age 80, I will have 100% instructions designated for any scenario. I will be in a sustainable home with living area for a resident caregiver.
Unfortunately, even best laid plan may not be fulfilled to your satisfaction.
The weak link is - “ the resident caregiver”.
How one can be assured that the person is caring and trustworthy?
Doris Duke- with her billions of dollars could not ensure the care she could afford - ended up being abused by a supposedly “loyal” caregiver who pushed her around, took advantage and physically hurt her as well as squandered her money, even making her change her will to officially leave him a lot more of her of money after her death?
It was a mess!
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Old 07-14-2019, 06:07 PM
 
Location: Grovetown, Ga
22 posts, read 16,286 times
Reputation: 113
Sorry to have gone missing in action on my thread but life called.

Jean_ji - I’m sorry about the loss of your parents. I hope the memories become easier over time.

Mike555 - I do stay very busy and actually quit a volunteer job this year because I was too stressed out and needed to make time for myself. Part of that time is spent on exercising at least 5-6 days a week. It isn’t that I don’t have things to occupy myself it’s just that this will be the first time in almost 40 years that I will not have children that depend on me. Part of my identity that is gone. I never felt that way when I left work because I did not identify with what I did to earn money. I did, and do identify as a mom and grandmother.

Nefret - Absolutely! A plan for declining years is a must. I never in a million years thought that out of 6 children, I would be the one looking after my mother but here I am. Also mom’s friend of 50+ years, was taken advantage of financially by her children and sister after her husband died. Now she cannot afford to live independently and moved in with my mom a year and a half ago. Not one word from her daughters in all that time. Have a plan.

Galaxyhi - I wish mom had an estate to worry about. Due to a life long “live for the day” attitude, and a house fire a couple years before dad died, she was left in a less than optimal position. She did own her own home but ended up having to take out a home equity line of credit, and then had difficulty keeping up with payments. DH and I had been subsidising her since dad died, property tax, and extras as situations arose. When she started having difficulty with home equity payments, we ended up paying off bank and setting up a 10 year note to buy out the house. This gives her an additional 9K a year to live on. We still help with property taxes, vacations, and extras for her. My brothers pay 0. I just hope she is able to continue living in her own home until the end.

Loadstar 77 - Single, male, and lonely??? How old are you and where do you live??? Mom would love to meet you. Lol
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Old 07-16-2019, 09:16 AM
 
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,441 posts, read 1,678,624 times
Reputation: 8726
Quote:
Originally Posted by goingstrong View Post
Sorry to have gone missing in action on my thread but life called.

Jean_ji - I’m sorry about the loss of your parents. I hope the memories become easier over time.

Mike555 - I do stay very busy and actually quit a volunteer job this year because I was too stressed out and needed to make time for myself. Part of that time is spent on exercising at least 5-6 days a week. It isn’t that I don’t have things to occupy myself it’s just that this will be the first time in almost 40 years that I will not have children that depend on me. Part of my identity that is gone. I never felt that way when I left work because I did not identify with what I did to earn money. I did, and do identify as a mom and grandmother.

Nefret - Absolutely! A plan for declining years is a must. I never in a million years thought that out of 6 children, I would be the one looking after my mother but here I am. Also mom’s friend of 50+ years, was taken advantage of financially by her children and sister after her husband died. Now she cannot afford to live independently and moved in with my mom a year and a half ago. Not one word from her daughters in all that time. Have a plan.

Galaxyhi - I wish mom had an estate to worry about. Due to a life long “live for the day” attitude, and a house fire a couple years before dad died, she was left in a less than optimal position. She did own her own home but ended up having to take out a home equity line of credit, and then had difficulty keeping up with payments. DH and I had been subsidising her since dad died, property tax, and extras as situations arose. When she started having difficulty with home equity payments, we ended up paying off bank and setting up a 10 year note to buy out the house. This gives her an additional 9K a year to live on. We still help with property taxes, vacations, and extras for her. My brothers pay 0. I just hope she is able to continue living in her own home until the end.

Loadstar 77 - Single, male, and lonely??? How old are you and where do you live??? Mom would love to meet you. Lol

Thank you. They both lived into their nineties, so I was lucky to have them both for so long. I find myself saying or thinking “Mom and Dad would have have loved this!” with different things/events. I miss having them here to share the good times.
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