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Old 07-26-2019, 12:55 PM
 
26,106 posts, read 33,121,694 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
When someone betrays you, the relationship CANNOT continue, as they have lost your trust - so if, say, your best friend goes behind your back and has sex with your husband, you cannot continue that relationship - or if you find out that a family member you love has been disparaging you behind your back - that causes a little hiccup in the way you might relate to that person in the future - or if a business person abandons a transaction he initiated in the middle of it and leaves you high and dry, that causes a little problem (especially since there are third parties involved), etc., etc.

A betrayal is an act that a formerly trusted party does that renders the relationship defunct due to their hostile actions.

If you have had people "lie, cheat, and steal" from you, and you're good with that, then your standards for friendship or relationship are truly low - so low you must be desperate in some way. No self-respecting person could continue on like nothing has happened under those circumstances. To me, it indicates really low self-esteem and spinelessness to the point of groveling for a relationship.
Well, yes, it can. My nephew will always be my nephew. He apologized; I have forgiven him. Sometimes, that is really the only way to move forward.

 
Old 07-26-2019, 12:56 PM
 
26,106 posts, read 33,121,694 times
Reputation: 32424
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
That's definitely a betrayal and that is the level of betrayal I am referring to - something you cannot come back from - something so egregious you cannot overlook it and continue the relationship.
I had a very hard time moving past it. But we all did. Today, he is a different person, and the past is in the past.
 
Old 07-26-2019, 01:07 PM
 
1,115 posts, read 1,826,925 times
Reputation: 4800
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
I really don't understand your need to try to belittle people who don't agree with you. Your posting history is rife with this venom. For someone who apparently prides themselves on self reflection I think you need to spend a lot more time trying to figure out why this somehow makes you feel better about yourself. I find it sad and pathetic.
Seriously. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t make them an awful person. But that dynamic sure explains a lot.

If someone does me wrong, I salvage what I can from the situation, never let that person close enough to hurt me again and move on with my life. There’s that old quote, “holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Why continue to give them your power and real estate inside your head? The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
 
Old 07-26-2019, 01:29 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,016 posts, read 1,906,418 times
Reputation: 11059
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of the dirty details, but sometimes people do awful things for their own reasons, reasons that have nothing to do with me personally, so I ignore or I forgive and move on.
I really don't understand your need to try to belittle people who don't agree with you. Your posting history is rife with this venom. For someone who apparently prides themselves on self reflection I think you need to spend a lot more time trying to figure out why this somehow makes you feel better about yourself. I find it sad and pathetic.
I would not be interested in hearing your "dirty details!"

Have a nice day.
 
Old 07-26-2019, 01:32 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,016 posts, read 1,906,418 times
Reputation: 11059
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
Well, yes, it can. My nephew will always be my nephew. He apologized; I have forgiven him. Sometimes, that is really the only way to move forward.
Well, that's great. You left that detail out of the first post.

A sincere apology fixes everything - at least enables you to re-engage with the person, so trust can be rebuilt.

I guess I consider betrayals to be those instances where people hurt you and do not apologize.

And I realize "nothing is personal," but it affects the relationship when people do bad things to you.
 
Old 07-26-2019, 02:09 PM
 
Location: on the wind
7,290 posts, read 3,013,453 times
Reputation: 24664
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
How about it basically boils down to what each person consider betrayal? What some consider betrayal others don't. Which is why Germaine asked for clarification of what was considered betrayal for the purposes of this thread.
I've had people lie, cheat, even steal from me, but only one instance that things reached a level of real betrayal, according to my interpretation of being betrayed.
This. Also, consider that two people can view the same event very differently, imagine different motives behind it, and come to very different conclusions about it. What one person considers a betrayal and worth ending a relationship over another person might not see as unforgivable due to circumstances. We are summations of our life experiences. Some people get to a point where they expect, suspect, and assume the worst about others based on their habitual thinking and their emotional scars. Others don't do this as often. Some are very friable, rigid, cynical, and unforgiving. Others sort of absorb, feel the sting, apply any benefit of the doubt they can, but then allow themselves to get over it more easily. One person's emotional scar might be another's temporary scab that falls off leaving healthy skin behind.

I have two younger sisters. They are polar opposites in terms of personality and emotional thinking. One is a lot more likely to see and expect the worst in others. A "disappointment" caused by someone else is more likely to be considered betrayal. No one comes back from that in her mind. She also tends to be vindictive, bitter, judgmental, and flashes her victim hall pass a lot. She removes people from her life but it is usually their fault alone...she never contributed to whatever the problem was. She always seems to have her list of other people's sins towards her handy and can whip it out for review at the drop of a hat. The other doesn't do this. If someone disappoints her she's more likely to give the benefit of the doubt, consider what part she might have played in it, and then adjust her level of trust or expectations. She ends up adding people to her life, not removing them. Has she been taken advantage of? Sure, but I suspect fewer people try. Ironically, the sister who's had the smoother easier life is the less trusting, the more negative. Does this mean one of them is lesser than the other? Of course not. I would never look down on a more forgiving person as somehow weaker, a poorer judge of character, having lower standards (whatever that even means), more gullible, or inferior. Its like trees in wind; one breaks, the other bends. In the end, guess which tree survives the longest?

Last edited by Parnassia; 07-26-2019 at 02:53 PM..
 
Old 07-26-2019, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Milwaukee
4,435 posts, read 2,137,482 times
Reputation: 2764
I don't consider it helpful to keep a running tally of every violation of trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship, do you? Why?
 
Old 07-26-2019, 03:46 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,016 posts, read 1,906,418 times
Reputation: 11059
Quote:
Originally Posted by AguaDulce View Post
I don't consider it helpful to keep a running tally of every violation of trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship, do you? Why?
Nope. Never even alluded to that.
 
Old 07-26-2019, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Milwaukee
4,435 posts, read 2,137,482 times
Reputation: 2764
Quote:
Originally Posted by AguaDulce View Post
I don't consider it helpful to keep a running tally of every violation of trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship, do you? Why?
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Nope. Never even alluded to that.
Huh? Thread title?

". . . how many times have you been betrayed?"
 
Old 07-26-2019, 08:19 PM
 
Location: planet earth
5,016 posts, read 1,906,418 times
Reputation: 11059
Quote:
Originally Posted by AguaDulce View Post
Huh? Thread title?

". . . how many times have you been betrayed?"
You are technically correct. If you have read the thread though, you would see that I haven't counted, have forgiven everyone, and have moved on. I was just curious about other's experiences - I didn't title the thread accurately - I wasn't looking for an actual number - it was just a figure of speech, like "has this happened to you a lot?"
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