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Old 08-02-2019, 08:47 PM
 
6,416 posts, read 5,131,081 times
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I see it this way - if some relative turns out to be the most evil serial killer of all time or whatever, I still see it as interesting history. LOL
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Old 08-02-2019, 09:05 PM
 
995 posts, read 279,758 times
Reputation: 2780
Quote:
Originally Posted by nancyf View Post
Found out last night through DNA that who I thought was my father is not. How about that at 69? Someone with DNA links to me messaged and his Uncle was my father. Well, sperm donated. My daughter and I went over it and yes it is true. It all lines up.

I never really new my "father" and he died when I was 4, but now I have to redo a lot of genealogy work, lol. I am kinda not surprised because of the circumstances at that time. But still, geez! I did get a little quezy this morning after trying to not have deep feelings about it.
Out of curiosity... why does it matter? The person you thought was your (biological) father, did he act like a father? Did he love you? Did you love him? Did he treat you well and like his child? Then why does it matter whether you're related by blood? You're related by regard and affection. I've known too many people in circumstances that belied the saying that "blood is thicker than water" to believe that saying is true.

This person you never knew as a father and barely knew as a person, has he suddenly become more important than the person who, I assume, raised you? If so, why?

I can understand that this might bring up interesting feelings about your mother (depending on the circumstances of your conception), but I'm not sure why it would change how you feel about your father.

Why does it change "who {you} are"? I understand that you may need to find some different answers to family-history medical questions, but how does it make you a different person? Whether you believe we're formed by nature (in which case, you are who you are and there's no changing that regardless of who your parents are or who you think they are) or nurture (in which case, it matters who raised you, not whose DNA you carry), your identity didn't suddenly change overnight. You are still you, your family is still your family, the people who raised you are still the people who raised you. And, I hope, the people you love and who love you are still the people you love, because I hope you love them for the people they are and the relationship you have and not simply whether you share some DNA.
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Old 08-02-2019, 10:13 PM
 
Location: Moore, Ok
91 posts, read 69,975 times
Reputation: 326
I didn't really know the one who was supposed to be my father. He was always off to another woman and he died when I was for 4 so its less of shock in that way. I wonder if anyone knew and kept it a secret. The one that matches my DNA had just divorced and then married when i was 5 months in the womb. They both worked at the "foundry". I don't judge my mother. She might have been lonely.
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Old Yesterday, 05:09 AM
 
25 posts, read 2,151 times
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Can only imagine how it felt to get this news now. Give yourself some time to absorb it all. The bonds of love you have in this life still remain and are who you really are. That doesn't change that.

We watch Finding Your Roots and love that show. Husband picked up the kit at Target to have his tested. That was probably over a year ago. He keeps dragging his heels doing it so not sure why he bought it but maybe he's also afraid of what it will show.
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Old Yesterday, 05:24 AM
 
2,582 posts, read 2,945,868 times
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Definitely a shocking story. If it were me, it would definitely take a while to absorb.

Maybe in time you can get stories about the other half of your family that you never knew about. When you get a chance to share more details, please do.
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Old Yesterday, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Moore, Ok
91 posts, read 69,975 times
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So nice to come here and share this. Many great thoughts. Thank you. I do realize it will take a little time to absorb this. And finding new things about this new family I didn't know I had, well, it could be quite the adventure! Many are in Ohio where I grew up and my sister is. Kinda planning a trip this fall to see her and who knows else?
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Old Yesterday, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Living rent free in your head
31,297 posts, read 13,761,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
Explain to me again how all this DNA testing is a good thing.
Sure, glad to... I've been doing my family genealogy for the past 4 decades and hit a lot of dead ends. My mother's parent's were Scandinavian and they have a patronymic naming system, so If my Grandfather's name was Johnson, I can't simply find relatives by looking for people named Johnson because Johnson means son of John and John's father might well have been John Swenson, which would mean John the son of Swen whose father might have been Swen Axelson, Swen the son of Axel. DNA has been able trace my lineage back several more generations than I had ever hoped, into the 1500's. because it's not dependent upon finding matches based on name.
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Old Yesterday, 08:21 AM
Status: "Loving our retirement" (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: Asheville NC
1,636 posts, read 1,329,008 times
Reputation: 4387
My cousin found out that he had a daughter. Conceived at a young age way before he married his wife. The bio mother never told him and his daughter was put up for adoption. After her adoptive mother died, his daughter did the dna test, matched closely with me,( because my brothers weren’t in the state where she was conceived), he was the only possibility. I gave him her info, it was up to him to contact her. He did the dna test to make sure. He now has a grown daughter and three wonderful grandchildren. He and his wife, who never were able to have children of their own together, are very happy about it and have welcomed them to the family, as have we.

The cousins that you match with might be a good addition to your family, I hope so.
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Old Yesterday, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Texas of course
574 posts, read 273,153 times
Reputation: 2987
Quote:
Originally Posted by nancyf View Post
Found out last night through DNA that who I thought was my father is not. How about that at 69? Someone with DNA links to me messaged and his Uncle was my father. Well, sperm donated. My daughter and I went over it and yes it is true. It all lines up.

I never really new my "father" and he died when I was 4, but now I have to redo a lot of genealogy work, lol. I am kinda not surprised because of the circumstances at that time. But still, geez! I did get a little quezy this morning after trying to not have deep feelings about it.
I found out in June that the man that I thought was my dad isn't. My real dad is still alive and I've spoken to a couple of my half siblings but I have no desire to have further contact. Since then I've discovered this is really common in our age group, trust me, there are a lot of us. There are numerous facebook support groups. I just had no idea.

FYI: I did the DNA test when I was working on my family tree because I was at a dead end.
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Old Yesterday, 08:29 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,889 posts, read 4,900,122 times
Reputation: 19847
I also found out this year, at age 60, who my bio-dad is. I always had a suspicion about it, but understand why it was done. My parents were separated when I was conceived, they reunited for a time, and then divorced when I was almost 2. I think they both knew, but kept the secret to their dying day. I didn't find it particularly earth-shattering or anything. In fact, I feel vindicated because it verified what I had been feeling about my dad for the last 45 years. The reason I went on Ancestry was to try and compare my DNA to my older brother's to determine if we were full or half siblings. We haven't shared what we found with anyone else in our family.

A person contacted me through Ancestry and said she thought her uncle might be my bio-dad. Turns out it was her father who was my bio-dad, but he was single and hadn't even met her mom yet when I was conceived, so no cheating involved on her dad's part. She and her younger sister know, but they haven't told their dad and mom. That's up to the girls to tell if they want. I have no desire to disrupt their parents' lives at their age. I don't have a deep need to meet him or anything like that. I do prefer my new family medical history to the old one though! Interesting too to put my new sister's childhood photos next to mine at the same age. I always thought I looked just like my mom, but I also very closely resemble my new half sister.

Last edited by TheShadow; Yesterday at 08:43 AM..
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