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Old 08-03-2019, 09:02 AM
 
6,902 posts, read 3,845,686 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nancyf View Post
Found out last night through DNA that who I thought was my father is not. How about that at 69? Someone with DNA links to me messaged and his Uncle was my father. Well, sperm donated. My daughter and I went over it and yes it is true. It all lines up.

I never really new my "father" and he died when I was 4, but now I have to redo a lot of genealogy work, lol. I am kinda not surprised because of the circumstances at that time. But still, geez! I did get a little quezy this morning after trying to not have deep feelings about it.
I can't imagine your mother not telling you the truth. There are medical and biological reasons, at the very least, that you should have known.
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Old 08-03-2019, 10:22 AM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
34,030 posts, read 42,423,510 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
Really? You know the whole generation? Wow!!
Enough to know the pattern of most. Fortunately most of them are dead or dying off. If you can find a lucid one ask about notch babies.
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Old 08-03-2019, 04:39 PM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,248 posts, read 1,387,404 times
Reputation: 6525
Quote:
Originally Posted by nancyf View Post
Found out last night through DNA that who I thought was my father is not. How about that at 69? Someone with DNA links to me messaged and his Uncle was my father. Well, sperm donated. My daughter and I went over it and yes it is true. It all lines up.

I never really new my "father" and he died when I was 4, but now I have to redo a lot of genealogy work, lol. I am kinda not surprised because of the circumstances at that time. But still, geez! I did get a little quezy this morning after trying to not have deep feelings about it.
Nancy,

If you tested at 23&Me, there is a forum on their web site where you will find the stories of many people who made the same discovery that you did.
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Old 08-03-2019, 05:07 PM
 
13,264 posts, read 6,327,362 times
Reputation: 11027
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Out of curiosity... why does it matter? The person you thought was your (biological) father, did he act like a father? Did he love you? Did you love him? Did he treat you well and like his child? Then why does it matter whether you're related by blood? You're related by regard and affection. I've known too many people in circumstances that belied the saying that "blood is thicker than water" to believe that saying is true.

This person you never knew as a father and barely knew as a person, has he suddenly become more important than the person who, I assume, raised you? If so, why?

I can understand that this might bring up interesting feelings about your mother (depending on the circumstances of your conception), but I'm not sure why it would change how you feel about your father.

Why does it change "who {you} are"? I understand that you may need to find some different answers to family-history medical questions, but how does it make you a different person? Whether you believe we're formed by nature (in which case, you are who you are and there's no changing that regardless of who your parents are or who you think they are) or nurture (in which case, it matters who raised you, not whose DNA you carry), your identity didn't suddenly change overnight. You are still you, your family is still your family, the people who raised you are still the people who raised you. And, I hope, the people you love and who love you are still the people you love, because I hope you love them for the people they are and the relationship you have and not simply whether you share some DNA.
Unless you've had something similar happen to you, it's difficult to understand what a shock it is to learn such things.

Before there were DNA tests, my brothers and I discovered that we had a half brother. When my mother met my father, he was separated from his wife and he had a son with her. After the divorce, he married my mother. When the half-brother was 9 and I was 2, half-brother's mother remarried and his step-father adopted him. Both my parents thought it was a good idea to keep all this info from my brothers and me.

Well...right after I graduated college, half-brother set out to find his bio dad. Then my father had to come clean. We never knew we had a half-brother, let alone that my father had been married before. And, yes, it was a shock to hear all of this. One of my brothers took it really hard. I firmly believe that if half-brother never found us, my parents would have taken this secret to the grave.

Back to DNA testing --- I had my test done as did my husband. What I discovered was that I had a second cousin. I got in touch with her. Once I found out that she was related from my father's side, I gave her all the surnames in the family. I figured we would find out where the connection was. Wrong! She gave me a totally different list of surnames. So...somewhere there is a skeleton in the closet

I also discovered a first cousin once removed, again from my father's side. Her grandmother was one of my father's sisters. Her father was my first cousin. Apparently, before first cousin got married, he had an affair which produced first cousin once removed. Since she was interested in the family tree, I passed along all that info.

The strangest message I got --- A woman who was an 8th cousin was looking for her bio dad. She had been adopted as a baby and when she did DNA, I was the only hit she got. She gave me what info she did have---enough to figure out that it was from my mother's side. Her bio dad lived in the same city as my family. Sadly, everybody from my grandparents' generation and my mothers' generation had passed at the time I heard from 8th cousin. If anyone had been alive, they may well have had some info as both ethnic groups were tightly connected. The best I could do was wish her well in her search.

All that said, with DNA testing becoming more prevalent, more skeletons in the closet will be coming to the fore. IMO, it's best for all to be honest with their children at some point so there aren't any shocks down the pike.
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Old 08-03-2019, 06:12 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,727 posts, read 3,294,770 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
Enough to know the pattern of most. Fortunately most of them are dead or dying off. If you can find a lucid one ask about notch babies.



If I was at all interested, I would Google it.

You have a twisted way of thinking.

Maybe a doctor could help you?
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Old 08-03-2019, 06:39 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
4,012 posts, read 2,925,908 times
Reputation: 6471
Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
Explain to me again how all this DNA testing is a good thing.
Health history
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Old 08-03-2019, 06:44 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
4,012 posts, read 2,925,908 times
Reputation: 6471
Heritage and genealogy can be two different things, IMO. If I found out I was sired by someone that was never part of my life, I would still feel the connection to family on my father's side more than I ever would the stranger's. Even if it turned out to be someone I did know it would not displace my father's family.
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Old 08-03-2019, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Moore, Ok
91 posts, read 72,258 times
Reputation: 326
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReachTheBeach View Post
Heritage and genealogy can be two different things, IMO. If I found out I was sired by someone that was never part of my life, I would still feel the connection to family on my father's side more than I ever would the stranger's. Even if it turned out to be someone I did know it would not displace my father's family.
I guess its easier for me since I don't know either sides. Never had contact with the guys family I thought was my father, and not even him. He was in and out of our lives and he died when I was 4. So now with DNA, I can be in contact with those that want to of my real bio father. Of course, they may consider me a bastard child, lol.
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Old 08-03-2019, 09:17 PM
 
Location: On the road
6,089 posts, read 2,962,353 times
Reputation: 11748
Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
Explain to me again how all this DNA testing is a good thing.
Aside from the health information that could prove valuable in preventative care, some people just have an interest in where they came from and some like making connections with others from same roots. Personally I've never been that interested but have enough awareness to at least understand why others might consider it a good thing.

Two of my sisters have done it, I guess it had some cool info we never knew (now I can add Indonesian to the list of reasons I'm brown) and I had a friend who had it done for his dog.
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Old 08-04-2019, 06:26 AM
 
3,375 posts, read 3,084,560 times
Reputation: 4928
Quote:
Out of curiosity... why does it matter?
Family medical history.

As someone who was adopted at birth, I donít care much about The Who or why as my adoptive parents ARE my parents. I do care a lot about any medical history.
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