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Old 08-14-2019, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Arizona
202 posts, read 118,071 times
Reputation: 817

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I am thinking about this because some of these old high school friends would be really fun to talk to if they would or could shed the fake veneers of personality they have adopted. But when I see them, the walls are never torn down, and that makes me a little sad (for myself, since I can't have a real, honest exchange with them).
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I knew someone would have this response. This is a common perspective. It's hard to communicate in a few words what I mean - in high school there was little pretense - as people need to survive they put on masks, and sometimes these masks take over their entire essence, so that there is nothing much to relate to . . . if you don't "get" it, you don't "get" it.
Generally speaking I think teenagers are as susceptible to projecting a false image as adults. It's a learned behavior that starts at a very young age.

I don't think it's unusual to not be able to relate to people you haven't seen or had much contact with in 50 years. We tend to lock people into a certain place and time. If they no longer fit the image we remember it doesn't make them fake. Perhaps the traits you saw as teenagers were the adopted traits and what you see now is real? How does one know?
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Old 08-14-2019, 01:35 PM
 
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Some people here might realize I'm kind of a sarcastic person. I'm not sure most of the people I work with know that or not.


I used to have a really good friend at work that I could be as sassy and smart mouthed as I wanted, and he would be the same way, and we would keep each other laughing all day long. He quit a few weeks ago, and I miss him a lot.
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Old 08-14-2019, 02:48 PM
 
7,001 posts, read 2,526,352 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katharsis View Post
I don't think so unless you count the many Southern Baptist hypocrites I met when I lived in Alabama for eight months in 1973, which was eight months too long. I was truly shocked at how many people I met who professed to be such good Christians but were very outspoken in their hatred for blacks. (So maybe hypocrites is the wrong word because they truly behaved as though there was no conflict between being good Christians and hating people because of their skin color and/or ancestry.)

However, this was over 45 years ago, so maybe things have changed. (I certainly hope so, anyway!)

That's not just a Southern Baptist thing. My ex MIL was from Alabama, and although she was a lovely woman in very many ways, she had racist attitudes about Blacks, and she was Catholic.
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Old 08-14-2019, 03:37 PM
 
7,089 posts, read 1,523,845 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
That's not just a Southern Baptist thing. My ex MIL was from Alabama, and although she was a lovely woman in very many ways, she had racist attitudes about Blacks, and she was Catholic.
Point taken. However, I only saw it in Southern Baptists because those were the only people I associated with. (And I was forced to associate with them because we were living with my ex-husband's grandparents who were Southern Baptist, and so they and their friends and acquaintances were the only people I saw. A long boring story, btw, which I won't go into.)

Last edited by katharsis; 08-14-2019 at 04:11 PM..
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Old 08-14-2019, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Cebu, Philippines
4,645 posts, read 1,795,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
That's not just a Southern Baptist thing. My ex MIL was from Alabama, and although she was a lovely woman in very many ways, she had racist attitudes about Blacks, and she was Catholic.

Lovely people felt that way about blacks, regardless of religion -- they were taught to. Just like how we were taught to feel about the Japanese during WWII, who were the same perfectly nice people they are today. You can teach nice decent people to believe whatever you want.
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Old 08-15-2019, 07:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cebuan View Post
Lovely people felt that way about blacks, regardless of religion -- they were taught to. Just like how we were taught to feel about the Japanese during WWII, who were the same perfectly nice people they are today. You can teach nice decent people to believe whatever you want.

Very true. Racism is a form of prejudice. And prejudice is based on bias, and bias is a learned response.
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Old 08-15-2019, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Arizona
6,019 posts, read 5,384,039 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
By "fake," for the purposes of this thread, I am mainly talking about people who present one way and you KNOW they are probably "other" ways in the core of their personalities.

What I mean is - people, who for appearances sake - or to align with corporate or political policies, don't show you their *true* self or personalities.

I think we all do this to one degree or another.

I remember consciously deciding to rein myself in in corporate environments, for the purpose of surviving/prospering at a job.

Babyboomers used to call this "selling out," and most adults have to "sell-out" in some ways to survive (or if they don't "have to," they haven't figured out how "not to").

In my older age, I am thinking about many people I know now that I attended high school with - I remember their high school personalities, and yes, people do grow and some change, but I believe core essence stays the same - and some of these people had very important, high level jobs, and so, I am sure, modified their personalities to suit their employers along the way, until now, they seem to be a shell of themselves.

I am thinking about this because some of these old high school friends would be really fun to talk to if they would or could shed the fake veneers of personality they have adopted. But when I see them, the walls are never torn down, and that makes me a little sad (for myself, since I can't have a real, honest exchange with them).

Are you satisfied with living on the surface and not having deep, undefended exchanges?

Just wondering if most people miss interacting with people in more "honest" (meaning genuine) ways?
You can't compare an older person with how they were in high school. People change over time, it isn't a mask. Change is constant. People aren't the same as they were 10 years ago let alone from when they were in high school. There are things you learn by living life, that is not modifying behavior. It is not fake.
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Old 08-15-2019, 08:08 AM
 
Location: Beautiful Rhode Island
6,902 posts, read 11,211,130 times
Reputation: 6955
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
By "fake," for the purposes of this thread, I am mainly talking about people who present one way and you KNOW they are probably "other" ways in the core of their personalities.

What I mean is - people, who for appearances sake - or to align with corporate or political policies, don't show you their *true* self or personalities.

I think we all do this to one degree or another.

I remember consciously deciding to rein myself in in corporate environments, for the purpose of surviving/prospering at a job.

Babyboomers used to call this "selling out," and most adults have to "sell-out" in some ways to survive (or if they don't "have to," they haven't figured out how "not to").

In my older age, I am thinking about many people I know now that I attended high school with - I remember their high school personalities, and yes, people do grow and some change, but I believe core essence stays the same - and some of these people had very important, high level jobs, and so, I am sure, modified their personalities to suit their employers along the way, until now, they seem to be a shell of themselves.

I am thinking about this because some of these old high school friends would be really fun to talk to if they would or could shed the fake veneers of personality they have adopted. But when I see them, the walls are never torn down, and that makes me a little sad (for myself, since I can't have a real, honest exchange with them).

Are you satisfied with living on the surface and not having deep, undefended exchanges?

Just wondering if most people miss interacting with people in more "honest" (meaning genuine) ways?



I think we present one image to the general public in order to operate in society and another to our intimates whom we trust. It works well for most.
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Old 08-15-2019, 12:15 PM
 
100 posts, read 28,218 times
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Most people that you interact with on a daily basis are "fake." The only "real" people are generally your parents, spouse, and children if you have a good relationship with them.
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Old 08-15-2019, 12:58 PM
 
1,844 posts, read 649,336 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Very true. Racism is a form of prejudice. And prejudice is based on bias, and bias is a learned response.
Yes. I have a friend who is probably the meekest mildest person you're ever likely to meet. The type that my grandmother would probably describe as being someone "who wouldn't say boo to a goose." Yet she is absolutely vicious in her prejudice against "the brown people." I had known her for almost two years before I heard her talking that way and was stunned because it was so out of character (as I had perceived her.) I had no idea she harbored such a high level of intolerance in that direction. It did change my perception of and lessen my respect for her, and I now censor myself from talking about certain subjects with her.

Some people keep their racism extremely well hidden from all but family. If I had realized how bigoted my ex-husband was, against basically everyone who wasn't a WASP/C , I never would have dated him, let alone married him. But in his chosen profession (law) he knew very well how to play the game and appear acceptably professional. His true nature would come out in private speaking, especially after a drink or two. It was ugly.
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