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I have this perhaps idealistic, old-fashioned notion that multiple generations in an extended family can live together under one roof (on separate floors) and it’s the best of all worlds. Everyone saves money. Nobody is lonely. Everybody helps one another out. No space goes to waste. The elders provide love and wisdom to the younger generation. Nobody ever has to eat dinner alone. The house is always in an immaculate state of repair.
But few people in my extended family seem to share that vision with me. Every time I suggest it, nobody shows any interest. What am I missing? Does anybody have personal experience with this, good or bad?
What you're missing is the 'Privacy' in living situations like this.Privacy is Priceless to a lot of people especially if they had been living in a situation with multiple generations living under the same roof. I understand some people living like this because they have no other choice due to finances.. or maybe it's part of their culture.
I moved my now 87 year old mom in with us about 18 months ago. It was her choice as she wasn't comfortable driving anymore. We sold her home in another state and moved her to Tennessee with us.
She has her own bedroom/walk in closet and bathroom but we are within the same home.
It isn't ideal but it works. The alternative would be waiting for an emergency and trying to get to another state to take care of her.
There's a reason why no one wants to live with other relatives. You have to deal with other people, their personalities, and their style of doing things...in your home. You want your own family, not yours plus other relatives. You want to be able to do whatever you want without judgment from the other relatives. You want to be able to decorate the rooms however you want, put stuff anywhere you want and not wonder if it's disrespecting the other relatives.
There are goods and bads. My parents live with my family (spouse and our 2 young children). It is nice that someone is always home. My children can walk home from school and my parents will be home. When I go on a family vacation, someone is still at home. Spouse and I can go to the grocery store by ourselves and leave our children at home because someone is always home.
They help pay for the property tax.
My 80 year old dad still cooks every day, except for the weekends when I do it. So he pays for a lot of the groceries.
Bads. Utilities bills are higher because there are more people in the home, and I pay for them, not my parents. After coming home from somewhere, my dad asks us where we went, like I'm in high school. I'm a private person and I don't want my parents asking about my life.
The kitchen is practically my dad's, and he's a huge clutter freak. The counter is U shaped and he fills 3/4 of the space with his bottles of sauces and jars and containers and such. I only have one small side of the U. My dad doesn't care about aesthetics, so his stuff looks like a homeless man's. It really does. Empty soda bottles, empty Cup Noodles cups, empty 1 gallon ice cream containers on the counter. For what? I don't know. I hate clutter, but I'm obviously not going to butt into his style of doing things. It's his stuff.
I don't have privacy in my own home. The living room, kitchen, and dining room are neutral rooms where anyone can go, so to have privacy, I hide in my bedroom. I'm there all the time. I feel like I'm in high school again.
The absolute worst is clashing personalities. My mom and I don't get along and I have my own style of doing things and she has hers. She inserts her way into mine. I don't appreciate it. At all. We've had big, yelling, angry words fights. Afterwards, we don't say a word to each other for weeks, and the atmosphere is very uncomfortable and awkward, in my own home.
The fact that OP enjoys other family members living with him must mean he gets along with all of them, all of their different personalities and styles of doing things.
I have this perhaps idealistic, old-fashioned notion that multiple generations in an extended family can live together under one roof (on separate floors) and it’s the best of all worlds. Everyone saves money. Nobody is lonely. Everybody helps one another out. No space goes to waste. The elders provide love and wisdom to the younger generation. Nobody ever has to eat dinner alone. The house is always in an immaculate state of repair.
But few people in my extended family seem to share that vision with me. Every time I suggest it, nobody shows any interest. What am I missing? Does anybody have personal experience with this, good or bad?
There used to be TV show called "Too Close For Comfort".
My mom and I went home shopping in this beach town after my Dad died and I neared my own retirement. She insisted I had to have my own place, so we looked at duplexes and finally settled for side-by-side townhouses. It works well for us. I can keep an eye on her and drive her to appointments, now that she has decided to do very local driving only. She has activities most days, to which she gets rides from others attending. We share most evening meals, taking turns with the cooking. We each have our own places to retreat to, I don't have to watch the evening news shows that she enjoys. If she was less active sharing one house might be easier, but this works for us. When family members with children visit, I usually move to mom's house and let them use mine. Us old ladies don't need all the noise and excitement.
There's a reason why no one wants to live with other relatives. You have to deal with other people, their personalities, and their style of doing things...in your home. You want your own family, not yours plus other relatives. You want to be able to do whatever you want without judgment from the other relatives. You want to be able to decorate the rooms however you want, put stuff anywhere you want and not wonder if it's disrespecting the other relatives.
There are goods and bads. My parents live with my family (spouse and our 2 young children). It is nice that someone is always home. My children can walk home from school and my parents will be home. When I go on a family vacation, someone is still at home. Spouse and I can go to the grocery store by ourselves and leave our children at home because someone is always home.
They help pay for the property tax.
My 80 year old dad still cooks every day, except for the weekends when I do it. So he pays for a lot of the groceries.
Bads. Utilities bills are higher because there are more people in the home, and I pay for them, not my parents. After coming home from somewhere, my dad asks us where we went, like I'm in high school. I'm a private person and I don't want my parents asking about my life.
The kitchen is practically my dad's, and he's a huge clutter freak. The counter is U shaped and he fills 3/4 of the space with his bottles of sauces and jars and containers and such. I only have one small side of the U. My dad doesn't care about aesthetics, so his stuff looks like a homeless man's. It really does. Empty soda bottles, empty Cup Noodles cups, empty 1 gallon ice cream containers on the counter. For what? I don't know. I hate clutter, but I'm obviously not going to butt into his style of doing things. It's his stuff.
I don't have privacy in my own home. The living room, kitchen, and dining room are neutral rooms where anyone can go, so to have privacy, I hide in my bedroom. I'm there all the time. I feel like I'm in high school again.
The absolute worst is clashing personalities. My mom and I don't get along and I have my own style of doing things and she has hers. She inserts her way into mine. I don't appreciate it. At all. We've had big, yelling, angry words fights. Afterwards, we don't say a word to each other for weeks, and the atmosphere is very uncomfortable and awkward, in my own home.
The fact that OP enjoys other family members living with him must mean he gets along with all of them, all of their different personalities and styles of doing things.
Did y'all have to move in together? Did y'all talk about how it would work out?
You mention higher utility bills, but they do pay the taxes and groceries - so does it all work out?
We find this happening in our neighborhood when the larger homes are sold. 3 generations buy an 8000 sqr ft house. You have the young couple with kids, their 50-60ish parents and then their grandparent(s) in the 70s-80s. When we bought in our neighborhood you generally had a couple or sometime a single living in homes 8000 or 9000 sqr ft. The houses are like mazes or complexes inside because to use up that amount of space you have to have alot of rooms. It is very easy to imagine multiple families living there. I don't know the details because I'm not about to ask them but I imagine they all share in the cost.
If the house is 1 million or even 1.5 million they all get to live in a really nice neighborhood at a more affordable rate. Also the homes are loaded to the gills with luxury features and nice finishes. If each family bought a $333,333 home they would all be in the poorest neighborhoods with the cheapest finishes and most likely in dire need of being fixed up. I'm not even sure you can get a $333K single family home in our metro area anymore.
Some homes have 7 or 8 car garages so that works out also. I didn't know this was happening until a neighbor who lives in the area of the largest homes mentioned it to me. Alot of these bigger homes don't make sense as single family homes. They are simply too big. Some people in the neighborhood object to this because there is more traffic coming and going but I'm of a more practical mind and think the people doing it are incredibly smart.
Did y'all have to move in together? Did y'all talk about how it would work out?
You mention higher utility bills, but they do pay the taxes and groceries - so does it all work out?
The reason why my parents ended with me is that at the time, my dad wanted to move back to his home country (they're immigrants), leaving my mom alone. We couldn't do that. We convinced my dad to stay, so they sold their home and moved in with us. They sold their home and used the money to buy the house we currently live in.
We don't have formal discussions about anything. We're not that type of family. But living with my parents is much easier than living with my in-laws. At least I feel more comfortable with my parents, and Spouse doesn't mind being with them every day.
I pay for the mortgage and they don't, so I pay a LOT more than they do. But comparing utilities and groceries only, I honestly don't know which one is higher every month. There would be no point of calculating this. I don't want my dad to feel like he's not puling his own weight. My dad is a paranoid and thinks I will kick him out even though I have never hinted at this. Of course we won't do that. Where would they go? No where. They don't have enough money.
Besides, children should take care of their parents. So even if my utilities are higher, I am taking care of my parents. Maybe it's a cultural thing. I don't think Americans have the same thought at all.
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