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Old Yesterday, 06:08 PM
 
6,504 posts, read 3,025,230 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanny Goat View Post
True. No one can understand what a person goes through w/ a very ill family member in which they're responsible for. I think a dementia patient esp. has got to be rough. It's not just elders. Parenting children w/ special needs, autism, etc. can be very challenging.

Younger people, too. I've seen a wife care for a quadriplegic husband. Very little arm/hand movement. Needed nurses everyday. Many body systems affected w/ that injury. She'd yell at the nurses, who could blame her? She was in beyond what she could handle. They were only in their 30's w/ two young kids.
I certainly don't advocate for a free pass in yelling ..be it at someone or with the patient themselves .

I certainly DO think some good intention folks have little education on the care required. And thus are frustrated. But yell..no thanks.

And yes from the age of 7 and up til I was 50 I was involved in attending to some family member needing home care...from my grandfather who had polio...to my dear mom who had breathing ails,heart problems and diabetic. So yes I do know the dedication it takes.

My greatest fear is being tossed in a home because the new generation has no skills or values where family extends beyond their nose.

I worked assisted and full care nursing. "We" the staff became that part time family for some residence. But no how no way could we be their history in bond. Most folks gradually deteriorate. Partly because the "tour" given doesn't match the daily reality. If an audit was done so much of the revenue comes from federal aide in which they charge the resident.

Staying in your familiar surrounding is probably the better choice...and hire someone. My uncle who I now attend to is considering a full time helper. He had the unpleasant experience of assisted living. He does better in his own surroundings.
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Old Yesterday, 10:57 PM
 
9,731 posts, read 16,040,806 times
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Ok, what's wrong with just living out our days? IE--dying! That's my exit strategy! I've already discussed this with my son. I'm currently in ok shape, with a lot of health problems that are under control. We bought a house that is perfect for aging. Its one-story, is equipped with bathroom grab bars, walk in shower, etc, because it was previously owned by an elderly couple who went to that great "assisted living in the sky". When I go, I go, don't sign me up for one of those places!


I figure the cats will eat my remains and spread the rest in the garden!
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Old Today, 06:52 AM
 
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The other thing I'll note about "assisted living" is that there's a lot of pressure to move in while you're still fairly independent. Which can be a narrow window of time. If/when you're physically/mentally impaired the facility likely won't accept you - you're too much work and prospective buyers will find it depressing seeing residents who are mostly in wheelchairs or lying in bed.

I do think the best solution for most older folks is to stay involved in life as much as possible, with friends and activities, in a familiar setting, and try to ensure your house/apartment is set up properly for people with limited mobility (ramps, elevator in building, unit on first floor, grab bars, etc.). My mother has a 2-bedroom, 2-bath apartment and if she became moderately impaired could have day nursing or live-in help. She's frail and weak, but can walk and drive (a bit, during the day) and has her wits about her.

For my mother, who still has some close friends in her town (many have died or moved away to be closer to their adult children) and loves her view and furnishings, it's probably better to stay put and hope the end, when it does come, comes quickly. The other thing is that a fancy/expensive meal plan doesn't do much when you eat like a bird (skip some meals or eat very lightly) or are very picky about what you do eat.
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Old Today, 09:20 AM
Status: "Move along." (set 3 days ago)
 
8,972 posts, read 10,996,794 times
Reputation: 13047
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
I certainly don't advocate for a free pass in yelling ..be it at someone or with the patient themselves .

I certainly DO think some good intention folks have little education on the care required. And thus are frustrated. But yell..no thanks.

And yes from the age of 7 and up til I was 50 I was involved in attending to some family member needing home care...from my grandfather who had polio...to my dear mom who had breathing ails,heart problems and diabetic. So yes I do know the dedication it takes.

My greatest fear is being tossed in a home because the new generation has no skills or values where family extends beyond their nose.

I worked assisted and full care nursing. "We" the staff became that part time family for some residence. But no how no way could we be their history in bond. Most folks gradually deteriorate. Partly because the "tour" given doesn't match the daily reality. If an audit was done so much of the revenue comes from federal aide in which they charge the resident.

Staying in your familiar surrounding is probably the better choice...and hire someone. My uncle who I now attend to is considering a full time helper. He had the unpleasant experience of assisted living. He does better in his own surroundings.
Not a free pass in yelling. Just something she was going through, which we understood. We didn't take it personal, that's all.
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Old Today, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
6,029 posts, read 4,987,925 times
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The only problem with aging in place, even with part time caregivers is with dementia, especially during the hours when caregivers are off duty. I know we just couldn't keep my MIL in our home after a point. She would try to fix herself something to eat and leave a burner on, or run a bath and forget to turn the water off. We would have had to lock up all the meds in the whole house, as she would often just take random OTC's or forget that she'd already had a dose and take another. She didn't know what pill was for what. She would constantly place important objects in hiding places, and then call us and tell us someone stole them. Honestly we would not have been able to leave the house if someone was not in attendance around the clock. We loved her dearly but it was like caring for an elderly person and a toddler simultaneously.
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Old Today, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Haiku
4,721 posts, read 2,747,720 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Ok, what's wrong with just living out our days? IE--dying!
For some of us, being warehoused in a facility is not really living, and in fact for some people (like me) it is a nightmarish proposition. If you are OK with it, go for it.

I wouldn't say I have an exit strategy, I just know what I don't want to happen and if I sense that is going to be my fate I will decide what to do at that time.
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Old Today, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Arizona
219 posts, read 126,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
My father was mentally pretty OK. He was put in a nursing home when he wanted to go home. He decided he had had enough at almost 96, and chose to stop eating and drinking. He died in 2 weeks. We all got to say good-bye and gave up trying to persuade him otherwise. I thought it took quite a bit of mental fortitude to do it that way.


As hard as it is for some family members to let go I think one of the greatest gifts you can give is not to try to convince a mentally capable ailing senior that they should get that feeding tube, have more tests, eat when they aren't hungry etc. etc. At some point prolonging life is more about the survivors than the person confronting death. IMHO, we should be allowed to die on our own terms.
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Old Today, 03:37 PM
Status: "Move along." (set 3 days ago)
 
8,972 posts, read 10,996,794 times
Reputation: 13047
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sibay View Post


As hard as it is for some family members to let go I think one of the greatest gifts you can give is not to try to convince a mentally capable ailing senior that they should get that feeding tube, have more tests, eat when they aren't hungry etc. etc. At some point prolonging life is more about the survivors than the person confronting death. IMHO, we should be allowed to die on our own terms.
I couldn't agree w/ you more. I've seen the docs order more blood work on someone near the end, or more this or that. It turns my stomach. Just leave them alone! Sometimes the family isn't strong enough to tell the doctor to stop it, maybe they feel that's the "authority" speaking. Many doctors won't order hospice till the person stops eating or is actively dying the last few days. Medical conditioning, still trying to push their agenda. I think it's a control issue in part. Maybe the doc doesn't know how to let go?
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Old Today, 04:03 PM
 
2,513 posts, read 887,391 times
Reputation: 6384
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanny Goat View Post
Many doctors won't order hospice till the person stops eating or is actively dying the last few days. Medical conditioning, still trying to push their agenda. I think it's a control issue in part. Maybe the doc doesn't know how to let go?
That happens- I'm glad it didn't with us. After DH died I sent the doc and his staff a note saying how much I appreciated his honesty in answering questions about how long DH had and what his prognosis was. I suppose it was pretty easy in our case- neither of us wanted to do anything extraordinary that had little chance of success, so we wanted the truth, as close as he could tell us, and we didn't fall apart when he gave it to us. He was also very agreeable about ordering hospice care.

One woman on the FB page for Acute Myeloid Leukemia, which DH had, pretty much went to pieces when the doctors said they couldn't do anything more for her fiance, who had been bed-ridden and eating little (despite her frantic efforts and bringing him every kind of food and begging) for months. She kept trying to get him into drug trials till the very end. I told her that it took guts for doctors to admit that they couldn't do anything more.
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Old Today, 04:21 PM
 
4,544 posts, read 2,711,351 times
Reputation: 10720
From what I've heard of assisted living arrangements here, as long as you are "independent " they want you. But the very minute you need more than a one day a week look-see for no more than 10 minutes, they want you to go off to a nursing home. OR they charge you exorbitantly for any 'assistance " you need, and it'd better be " light duty" .

And they charge exorbitantly for the privilege. And provide little if anything.

Assisted living here is a joke.

I would struggle on my own before I'd pay to stay in assisted living.

I expect someday I'll need a nursing home, but I'll not bother moving to "assisted' living.

Now, i would go into senior living, but thats for independent individuals, when its time to give up the expenses of upkeep on the house.

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