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Old Yesterday, 09:45 PM
 
10,849 posts, read 8,193,902 times
Reputation: 17180

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We had several good years of doing nothing except sitting on the porch & watching/tending the birds & critters & plants in the yard. Life was good.
Then the good lord god saw us getting complacent & smacked us in the head. We're now, unexpectedly, caretakers for our son who suffered massive trauma in a devastating accident.
We're playing the cards the good lord god dealt us. Life is radically changed but is still good, in fact it's better in many ways.
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Old Yesterday, 09:59 PM
 
5,446 posts, read 3,537,425 times
Reputation: 13792
ERH, you are way too involved in your father's life, and in his every waking moment, and in every minutiae of his existence - to a bizarre level.

No daughter should be this emotionally involved in her father's life and emotionally involved in every detail of his life, particularly a man who is healthy and can take care of himself!

I don't understand why you are living with your father and not living with your husband, since you say you have a happy marriage. And that your husband will follow "when he's able to get a job transfer".

You do not need to take the place of your mother. It seems to be a strong psychological need on your part to feel and be needed by your father - to a degree that is not in the realm of normal. Unless you are leaving out some vital part of why he should not live his own life, without you living with him.
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Old Yesterday, 10:15 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,200 posts, read 23,508,701 times
Reputation: 35625
Depends on what makes someone happy. I like having projects lined up that I will be working on. That keeps me looking forward to the future.

But, I will admit that pain is a major factor in my ability to work on projects.

So, once pain is so bad I can't work on projects? I'd be ready to say sayonara.

It's not appropriate for me - or anyone else - to judge when it's anyone else's time to give up or make any kind of life choices.
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Old Yesterday, 10:24 PM
 
7,429 posts, read 1,640,056 times
Reputation: 18122
Quote:
Originally Posted by ERH View Post
Thanks, CDLand, for the thrashing. I guess I asked for it. If nothing else, I'm glad I gave some of you a reason to feel superior. (And, HEY, aren't you judging me for judging someone else? LOL). Apologies for the long post. I've tried to be generous with the paragraphs.

Points of clarification:l.
Well, ERH, I think you learned a valuable lesson. Many people (myself included ) will look ONLY at the post itself, so we sometimes will take a post only at face value. No one can know what isn't stated, but the trick is to give enough info in the first post without 'information overload', and that can be tricky. (I know from personal experience, where I have been raked over the coals myself.)

Anyway, now that you have "introduced yourself" properly, LOL, I am sure that many of us who came down hard on you in this thread will be much kinder to you in the future, so I hope that you will keep venting. Generally speaking, people on the Retirement forum are very nice people!

Oh, and just if you ever feel that you are coming close to losing it, people on the Mental Health forum are also usually very nice, too!

Anyway, I do wish you the best! (And I agree that you seem to genuinely have your hands full with your dad, so you do have my sympathy.)
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Old Yesterday, 10:59 PM
 
1,293 posts, read 474,421 times
Reputation: 4057
When the EACH is ended and the ALL's suspended,
Rested briefly, hung in space,
Everything that was, erased...
When identity is taken and all your earthly works forsaken,
Lost and gone for all of ever,
Will you be remembered?
NEVER.
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Old Today, 01:45 AM
 
Location: Arizona
232 posts, read 131,099 times
Reputation: 1056
Quote:
Originally Posted by ERH View Post
This was really my point, that I plan to do everything possible not to end up that way. It's not what I want for my end-of-life journey. Granted, I have no idea what illness may befall me; but as long as I'm able, I intend to be doing something. I guess that's the wrong mindset, so judge away.
ERH, you're already living a life you don't want to live, long before you reach 80.
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Old Today, 05:30 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
46,035 posts, read 37,156,476 times
Reputation: 65465
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
ERH, you are way too involved in your father's life, and in his every waking moment, and in every minutiae of his existence - to a bizarre level.

No daughter should be this emotionally involved in her father's life and emotionally involved in every detail of his life, particularly a man who is healthy and can take care of himself!

I don't understand why you are living with your father and not living with your husband, since you say you have a happy marriage. And that your husband will follow "when he's able to get a job transfer".

You do not need to take the place of your mother. It seems to be a strong psychological need on your part to feel and be needed by your father - to a degree that is not in the realm of normal. Unless you are leaving out some vital part of why he should not live his own life, without you living with him.
Well I was going to say every bit of this but you said it better than I would have!

OP, WHY ARE YOU THERE AND NOT HOME WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND KIDS?????????? You don't have to answer that on C-D - just ask yourself that and then GO HOME.
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Old Today, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Central IL
15,403 posts, read 8,797,911 times
Reputation: 36245
Quote:
Originally Posted by ERH View Post
Thanks, CDLand, for the thrashing. I guess I asked for it. If nothing else, I'm glad I gave some of you a reason to feel superior. (And, HEY, aren't you judging me for judging someone else? LOL). Apologies for the long post. I've tried to be generous with the paragraphs.


......
Anyway, thanks CD for the therapy session! My next appointment isn't until 10/8, so I guess I needed to get a few things off my chest. LOL

I've almost convinced myself I just need to move back home, live my life exactly how I please, let my dad be lonely and bored if that's what he wants, saddle my brother with the burden he doesn't want, and only show up for the funeral.
Wow....sounds like the WHOLE family is messed up. Considering how long it must have taken you to type this out (were you sitting down) and that your job is at home and computer-based many could look at YOU and question your activity level. Why is it okay for you to be on C-D typing out this diatribe for an hour but your dad can't watch Ray Stevens on YouTube?

Let's just say that you don't get to micromanage him and he doesn't get to micromanage you. You all hate and look down on each other and are totally burned out. Just leave and all can rest in peace - I can guarantee you won't be any happier (or less happy either) so just do it.
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Old Today, 07:02 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
6,096 posts, read 5,021,716 times
Reputation: 20830
Much of this thread would have been unnecessary if the OP had posted a bit more info in the initial post.

So it seems the problem is not that dad doesn't want to do anything, but that the real issue is she is unhappy being his live in cleaning lady/dog walker/etc. OP, I don't blame you for being resentful, but you've created the situation that is making you miserable. Have ever thought that maybe if you left he'd be forced to do on his own the things you are doing for him?? Maybe he wouldn't be such couch slug if he had to walk his own dog, etc? Perhaps you are simply enabling the "doing nothing" by just being there and doing what he should be doing for himself. My advice is to go home to your family. Do your Ancestry, live a nice life, don't worry so much about him. Let your brother take up the slack.
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Old Today, 07:48 AM
 
6,599 posts, read 5,261,273 times
Reputation: 13623
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sibay View Post
ERH, you're already living a life you don't want to live, long before you reach 80.
That says it all!
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