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Old 09-25-2019, 10:31 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
6,135 posts, read 5,058,507 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Curly Q. Bobalink View Post
"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way."
Pink Floyd - "Time"
But more importantly the later lyrics of the song...


...
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter; never seem to find the time.

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines.

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over
Thought I'd something more to say.



I think it sums it up pretty well, except the "ten years" part is suddenly 40 years. You think "how did I miss how fast time was moving? How did I suddenly find myself 10 (or 20) years from death and I still seem to have failed to accomplish so much? How did my life end up like this?"

I personally am not depressed at all in my retirement, but I do find myself mentally working on putting away old hurts, and trying to release any remaining negativity to more fully enjoy the time I have left, however long that may be. It's always pretty late when you realize how short our lives really are.
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Old 09-25-2019, 01:44 PM
 
2,258 posts, read 968,951 times
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The more I relive negative incidents in my life, the more they negatively impact me, make me anxious or angry. The more I accept and forget about them the less they negatively affect me, allowing me to feel good about myself and content with where I am now. Being retired I think about the past continually, but it's the good times I enjoy thinking about not the bad. About 50 years ago I read a self help book on the EST movement, and one thing I came away with is that if you have a negative tape repeating in your head, change the tape. Also I keep remembering "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." Why would anyone think that dredging up old hurts and abuses would in any way make them feel better?
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Old 09-25-2019, 02:53 PM
 
13,468 posts, read 25,891,297 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
The more I relive negative incidents in my life, the more they negatively impact me, make me anxious or angry. ... Why would anyone think that dredging up old hurts and abuses would in any way make them feel better?
Because it's not "dredging." I say again, the coping mechanisms some people employ to move through trauma or events become part of your functioning and often cease to be useful long before you are aware of them at all. Retirement takes energy away from coping/working and might unmoor some people and they find that their coping mechanisms are less than helpful and they have not been aware of this, since they likely were focused on working and relationship pre-retirement.

I hope people will read the whole thread and stop saying that I am asking about dredging up stuff and ruminating and whining etc. It has nothing to do with regrets and rumination. It's about wanting to grow and function in a more helpful emotional way than previous.
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Old 09-25-2019, 03:19 PM
 
935 posts, read 258,131 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
No, I don't mean the things that have been discussed at length, about work identity, aimlessness in retirement, etc.

I'm talking about how I seem to be talking to a number of people from different walks of my life about how issues of childhood trauma/abuse/early parental loss seem to be coming up for them, when they thought they had it all taken care of and firmly in place, or other trauma early in life that has a reverberating effect. Only now has there been enough time passed to more or less safely process things.

I imagine the coping mechanisms and methods of living through such things continue to propel the person through their adult and working life, and maybe are like tendrils anchoring the person to a platform from which to proceed.

Then there's retirement, with the disruptions that we know about, and some people move to a new area (like where I am now) and the tendrils are yanked up when someone isn't even aware of their existence and utility. Memories are re-examined or come up in new ways. There is no longer a need to put a straitjacket on issues in order to function at work and maybe in relationship. Cracks in the facade and tendrils grow and must be attended to. It's a disconcerting process.

Maybe I just know a lot of people who have severe trauma in their early histories. Or there are a lot of said people and they are somewhat comfortable talking to me because of my professional background. (At first, I wondered, what is it, is it my face or something?) I now feel after being retired for a year and a half and settle in my new life that I have the stamina to listen and maybe be helpful.
Apologies for a religious reference, but even if one is not religious/or not Christian I like how it is beautifully summarized and religion aside, I think this part of the Bible describes well the different stages of human life, including psychological:
Ecclesiastes 3:5

“ A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”

The highlighted part about scattering stones and gathering stones is the most mysterious part.
Everyone has a different idea what it means, but some academics interpret it as “the time to pass the judgement on people and the time to find a kinship/ fellowship with them”.
Sort of like to try to understand and forgive?
Maybe that what is going on: finally people have time to reflect on the past

The end result of that reflection, hopefully, is to come to some understanding and at least some forgiveness of the past transgressions against us?

Last edited by Nik4me; 09-25-2019 at 03:32 PM..
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Old 09-25-2019, 04:18 PM
 
13,468 posts, read 25,891,297 times
Reputation: 21051
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nik4me View Post
Apologies for a religious reference, but even if one is not religious/or not Christian I like how it is beautifully summarized and religion aside, I think this part of the Bible describes well the different stages of human life, including psychological:
Ecclesiastes 3:5

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
This atheist here has always found beauty and wisdom in many religious passages, and this is a favorite. 'blush' maybe I first heard it as a rock song, though!

As for forgiveness, I suppose if someone is steeped in the forgiveness mindset, it would be good to experience it for transgressors. But I don't think forgiving can fix coping mechanisms from transgression if they are intertwined with present life. For that, I think there needs to be an understanding of the process and an awareness of things spiking up where they don't belong. A friend recently told me that he has been having "strange" interactions, where he feels he is inappropriately angry in an interaction and has been able to trace it to his cognition of early abuse and issues.

Me, I believe in forgetting, not forgiving, having not heard of this dynamic. If forgiving helps a person, of course they should pursue that. But if they're not being successful or able to practice forgiving, I think it can only be painful to try and force oneself.
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Old 09-25-2019, 04:39 PM
 
5,466 posts, read 3,558,318 times
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While therapy tries to help people control repetitive thoughts which are damaging to one's happiness and well-being and trying to rid the mind of repetitive thoughts is a positive goal which can bring some peace, all throughout life one usually needs to face various emotional pain or hurts, and just being retired does not spare one from having thoughts about various pain and hurt - while not dwelling on those thoughts nor seeking them out nor making them the center of one's existence.

Just acknowledging that some emotional pain is part of life, one can move forward if one learns how not to let repetitive thoughts dominate or learns to handle the emotional pain in a mature way.

The OP was not suggesting that one dredge up emotional pain from the past nor ruminate upon it excessively - but was just asking if people have found thoughts about emotional pain from the past occurring during retirement.

(which can bleed into current new emotional pain which may occur during retirement or at any age)

Last edited by matisse12; 09-25-2019 at 04:55 PM..
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Old 09-25-2019, 07:29 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,901 posts, read 3,402,354 times
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There are a lot of thoughts and opinions written in this thread.

I think it is important that we remember everyone has their own interpretation/reaction to what happened in their life. We are not all the same. Whatever we think is a personal thing. Probably not saying very well, but when discussions like this come up, I feel a need to say what I think.
Because a person has gone through similar things to what we went through doesn't mean we know what they think or feel. It's theirs. It's personal. To tell them something different is a real disservice.

Unfortunately there is a lot of guilt in the world. Some of us suffer from it because we think we are the cause. That we somehow deserve to feel it. Others somehow feel better by reinforcing the other person's guilt feeling.

I came through a very difficult childhood, newborn to when I got married and left home (I was 19). I thought I was leaving it all behind me. My marriage was not a good or happy one. I carried a lot of my low self-esteem into the marriage, used all the learned behavior I observed all of my life. It would be very wrong for me to say my marriage failed only from what my ex did. I had a share in that.

Once I was divorced and carrying a lot of anger and bad attitude I started a course of counseling that lasted for a very long time with several counselors helping me along my way to better mental health.

The thing I think that helped me a lot was to understand what had happened to the person/people who hurt me. Instead of thinking what happened to me, I thought about the horrible life my parents lead as children. I've been able to replace the anger I felt toward my parents with compassion. They could only do what they thought was a better job of what their lives were.

I think about them a lot and miss them. I would love to hug them and tell them I love them.
I've left the past where it belongs.
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Old 09-25-2019, 11:10 PM
 
935 posts, read 258,131 times
Reputation: 2497
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
This atheist here has always found beauty and wisdom in many religious passages, and this is a favorite. 'blush' maybe I first heard it as a rock song, though!

As for forgiveness, I suppose if someone is steeped in the forgiveness mindset, it would be good to experience it for transgressors. But I don't think forgiving can fix coping mechanisms from transgression if they are intertwined with present life. For that, I think there needs to be an understanding of the process and an awareness of things spiking up where they don't belong. A friend recently told me that he has been having "strange" interactions, where he feels he is inappropriately angry in an interaction and has been able to trace it to his cognition of early abuse and issues.

Me, I believe in forgetting, not forgiving, having not heard of this dynamic. If forgiving helps a person, of course they should pursue that. But if they're not being successful or able to practice forgiving, I think it can only be painful to try and force oneself.
It is not forgiving for the sake of forgiving - it is more like an understanding why someone did what they did: we grow older and wiser;
most of us “ saw it all” and all of a sudden one realizes for example, that “abusive” parents most likely did not know and could not do any better then they did: due to their own upbringing or perpetual cycles of abuse, or illiteracy, mental defects, their life circumstances, etc, etc.
Forgiving in a sense of putting things in a wider perspective...
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Old 09-25-2019, 11:13 PM
 
935 posts, read 258,131 times
Reputation: 2497
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal1542 View Post
There are a lot of thoughts and opinions written in this thread.

I think it is important that we remember everyone has their own interpretation/reaction to what happened in their life. We are not all the same. Whatever we think is a personal thing. Probably not saying very well, but when discussions like this come up, I feel a need to say what I think.
Because a person has gone through similar things to what we went through doesn't mean we know what they think or feel. It's theirs. It's personal. To tell them something different is a real disservice.

Unfortunately there is a lot of guilt in the world. Some of us suffer from it because we think we are the cause. That we somehow deserve to feel it. Others somehow feel better by reinforcing the other person's guilt feeling.

I came through a very difficult childhood, newborn to when I got married and left home (I was 19). I thought I was leaving it all behind me. My marriage was not a good or happy one. I carried a lot of my low self-esteem into the marriage, used all the learned behavior I observed all of my life. It would be very wrong for me to say my marriage failed only from what my ex did. I had a share in that.

Once I was divorced and carrying a lot of anger and bad attitude I started a course of counseling that lasted for a very long time with several counselors helping me along my way to better mental health.

The thing I think that helped me a lot was to understand what had happened to the person/people who hurt me. Instead of thinking what happened to me, I thought about the horrible life my parents lead as children. I've been able to replace the anger I felt toward my parents with compassion. They could only do what they thought was a better job of what their lives were.

I think about them a lot and miss them. I would love to hug them and tell them I love them.
I've left the past where it belongs.
Absolutely agree with you- sorry, missed your post prior to writing mine- repped you!
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Old 09-25-2019, 11:44 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
7,100 posts, read 3,921,802 times
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I've seen this self-analysis take place in two relatives and it wasn't pretty. We have time to process our remembered experiences. We can only process what our memory retains and we build perceptions (possibly flawed) of others' motivations and actions. Connecting the few dots that we have may not reveal the full picture.

The worst case is a relative that delivered an eulogy at their dad's funeral based on distorted or incomplete memories of events fifty years in the past. It did not go well. The siblings had no similar memories or experiences living under the same roof. I wonder if my relative thought that recounting their version of the "story" at the funeral would bring a resolution. I think it did the opposite. At best we only have our side of the story and our memory may not be complete after several decades.
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