All he want to do is work... (retired, graduate, separate)

[driftwoodpoint]

My husband retired from teaching at a University. He taught for 42 years. He is now 66 and all he wants to do is work. Somehow I thought we would travel, explore, spend time together, etc. But he works at a car rental place two days a week and two or three days a week at two different golf courses. And in the summer is not done at the golf course until 9:30 or 10:00. He drives on the life squad on Thursday and runs as a volunteer on the Fire Department. When any of the jobs need a sub he just can't seem to say "NO".
I have asked him why he wants to work so much? He says he doesn't want to be one of the old guys down at McDonald's all morning with nothing to do but read the paper and shoot the breeze with other old guys. He used to do lots of projects around the house but those don't seem to be getting done.
I'm seven years younger and want to go and do. But I end up doing things by myself almost all the time. I feel like I'm a widow.
Any suggestions??? Why do guys want to keep working!

[sirron]

I can empathize with you! Since retiring, my hubby cannot relax. We just had this discussion recently. He says he can't stop. While he's not technically employed and does not 'earn' any money, he is constantly helping others with work. He will do projects around the house, however. Maybe that's what drew me to him in the first place, no? Maybe you and I should get together and travel without them.

Okay, just kidding. Don't want to start any fights.......

[texdav]

Did you do alot of things together when you were married. Doing things by yourself can get to be a habit and to develop separate lifes.. It is not uncommon for a guy with a desk job to want to do more active things when he retires but there is a limit and still do things together.

[Honeycrisp]

It's probably a good thing he wants to keep busy, some guys just sit around and watch tv and have no interest in anything after they've retired. Since some of what he does is volunteering, I dont see why he can't arrange his schedule and take a trip w/ you once in a while, it doesnt have to be lengthy but it's nice to get away and have a change of scenery for a few days or so, he may come to enjoy it more than he thinks (esp. if you go to some place of interest for him). Good luck!

[driftwoodpoint]

I do agree it is good that he is keeping busy. Too many guys just sit around and their health declines. I guess he seemed more engaged in the relationship before he retired. We raised five kids and are just now starting grandchildren. The last few years as he seems to work more and more it leaves me to do things more and more on my own.
We have counseled the past few years and they all suggest we find some common bonds at this stage but he just doesn't seem interested in anything but working a lot of hours. He keeps saying he is going to cut his work schedule but the hours are increasing. Most of these jobs are minimum wage and I have said if he wants to work all the time get a full time job that pays well. But he says he doesn't want that responsibility just the activity.
We have been married for 20 years and he used to say that I kept him young. But now it is like he is just acting old and not interested in trying anything new.
This last year I just decided to go and do more on my own. I'm all right but many times I find myself says, "here I am alone again".

[Rcm58]

I know a guy that was a good provider, spent his whole life aquireing things, wife was of the same mind to a point. Now at the age of 60 his health has failed and after discovering they have nothing in common anymore hes sitting in a home going blind by himself most of the time and shes getting ready to retire in another home they own. Their son is about to graduate from college and checks in on him when hes not in school.

I think too many people focus on the task at hand and forget that its happiness that we wanted to achieve. After a few decades of "Just The Facts Ma'am" then off to work its hard to feel the connection they once shared.

[cb at sea]

Working probably keeps him feeling "needed"--some folks just don't do the "relaxation" thing well! Plan a week here and there, but let him do what makes him happy! It's no reflection on you or your company--it's just the way he is!

[HappyTexan]

Try to find something in common and volunteer your services. This way you both "work" together a few hours per week. If that's the way you have lived for all those years, retirement can't come "overnight". It may take a while to ease off and redirect the energy.

[driftwoodpoint]

Good thoughts...thanks

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by cb at sea

Working probably keeps him feeling "needed"--some folks just don't do the "relaxation" thing well! Plan a week here and there, but let him do what makes him happy! It's no reflection on you or your company--it's just the way he is!

true, it is probably a bit of 'drivenness' , need to fell 'productive', and possible a tad of 'escape' from having to change into 'polo shirts' and golf clubs. You find this breed often in High Stress volunteer activities. This will get old for him eventually, as there are some major social battles in these organizations.

In the meantime, learn to 'sojourn' travel. It can actually be much better than being with someone who doesn't want to be there. It is especially nice to only be planning your own routes and traveling at your own pace. Set some objectives and parameters, then plan, and let him know, then head out and keep him in the loop. Have a great time, He will join you when he is ready.

It can be quite safe if you get 'sojourn' specific travel advice, are careful, and use 'guesthomes' (private lodging, very cheap and fun to get to know hosts). I sent a single gal and her two teenage daughters off across the USA on a road trip this summer using a guesthome directory, it was a great experience for all. They were able to do the major cities without a problem, as well as many farms and small towns.