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CarolL, your terminology, "wondering out loud whether I have progressed enough as a person to do that," denotes that anyone who disagrees with you hasn't 'progressed' the way you have. Seems like you've made up your mind. Happy trails...
CarolL, your terminology, "wondering out loud whether I have progressed enough as a person to do that," denotes that anyone who disagrees with you hasn't 'progressed' the way you have. Seems like you've made up your mind. Happy trails...
That was not my feeling or intention at all. I am speaking only personally and am not at all passing judgment on anyone else. I am truly wondering if I am "over" those feelings, that's all I meant. No offense intended to anyone here.
Were we suprised! The town was nice, shopping was convenient, but we simply did not fit in with the people. We lived there for eight years, got involved in church and community affairs, etc. But somehow or other, we were treated as "different". Perhaps we were, (I think we were the only people in town that listened to classical music) but when we moved back to a place about 4 miles from our old home, we felt at home, not only with the community, but with our new neighbors.
Padgett, this is such a good point. Many people talk about potential retirement destinations in terms of weather, or cost of living, or whatever, but there is a cultural and "fitting in" component that is extremely important -- well, at least to me. I don't think one can assume they can just up and plop themselves in a new location and fit right in. When I moved to Southern Calif. from the East Coast, I found the people VERY different. Not bad, just different. It was a HUGE cultural shock. I ended up moving back because I missed the intensity and passion of my East Coast city. I think "trial moves" are really the best idea...
We found out after moving from the northeast to TN, that we should have looked more into what is there to do on a daily/weekly/monthly basis here. I always wanted to move to TN, but when we chose the area we moved to, we found out after being here a year that this isn't the exact location in TN we want to live. There's not a lot to do here that we enjoy doing. Someone on the TN board said that when you visit a place for 2 weeks, think about the other 50 weeks in the year too.
I honestly do not expect it to be like it was before, and I'm not naive enough to think I can just go back and reconnect with the people who lived there; I don't think most of them are even there anyway. I'm just wondering if the good memories will overcome the not-so-good ones, if I will be able to breathe, and live my own life, in a town I grew up in and couldn't wait to get away from when I was 18. I am just wondering out loud whether I have progressed enough as a person to do that, and wondering if anyone else has experienced this.
The town I spent high school in was also one that when I left, I never wanted to go back. I guess the real question is not so much whether you have progressed past those feelings, but what exactly were the qualities in that town that made you feel that way back then? And then the next question is were those feelings inherent in who you are and the values you hold or were they just some childish thing that was unreasonable and maturity has overcome? Then, finally, does that town still have those incompatible sensibilities inherent in it?
For me, the answer is no, the reasons I couldn't wait to leave are still inherent in my values and the sensibilities of the town were and are still incompatible with how I want to live and what I value.
There is no insult to anyone else in this. It is just my personal feeling about my personal life - not anyone else's choices.
Padgett, this is such a good point. Many people talk about potential retirement destinations in terms of weather, or cost of living, or whatever, but there is a cultural and "fitting in" component that is extremely important -- well, at least to me. I don't think one can assume they can just up and plop themselves in a new location and fit right in. When I moved to Southern Calif. from the East Coast, I found the people VERY different. Not bad, just different. It was a HUGE cultural shock. I ended up moving back because I missed the intensity and passion of my East Coast city. I think "trial moves" are really the best idea...
This is something that is really tricky when moving. Especially when your move is purely for a lifestyle choice and not driven by necessities like a job. When you are in a place for a job or other driving need, you can just accept what is not to your liking and look for those aspects that please you. When there is no reason except for what you want to do, it is a lot harder to overlook the negative.
The problem is sort of like a "trial" marriage. Unless you are really fully committed, the trial aspects color all the interactions you have with the residents and your own attitudes towards them and the place. There are communities that are very nice to visitors but are insular and parochial to new people who wish to settle there. And there are communities that are the opposite. A little cold to a visitor but when you move there, they get friendly because they now can rely on you being there. It is really hard to sort it out when you are in the looking phase.
WoW.. you have gotten some great responses to your question. It is different for all of us. I think the best advice for you and DH is to rent a place in your hometown to try it out. Some ppl miss their kids being near, others hate the weather, we all have things that are important to only us.
I didn't move back to my hometown after 40 years away but I did move back to my home state. My DH had passed away a year before I retired. It wasn't that I disliked living in the big city but it was just not the same without him.
I considered moving back to my hometown but it had gotten a lot bigger, plus most of my friends had moved or passed away. My mother lived with my sister in a small town nearby but I knew no one there except for them and I am a lot older than my sister.
When my DD moved to a small town in my home state, I moved up here too. The city is safe, little crime and very nice ppl. Close enough to 2 big cities for anything I can't do or find here. I made friends doing volunteer work and was able to pay cash for my house so my money goes further. I have my DD near enough if I need her but we both lead our own lives.
This is a difficult decision to make. My husband and I returned "home", an island off the coast of Maine, 14 years ago after living in CT for 32 years where we raised our 3 children. We really had expected life to go on as usual, retire when we chose to, and have 2 modest homes (one in Maine to summer in and the second undecided, but most likely close to one of the kids). My husband was forced into early retirement at the company where he worked, and I lost my job when the Banking Commissioner of CT shut down the bank where I was employed. We were left with a large home and yard to maintain, a small mortgage, and one young adult child still living home.
We visited "home" often because our parents and other relatives remained there. A few years before we made the decision to move back, we bought a building close to the village (hoping one day when we did actually retire, we'd open a small seasonal business of some type). We had also begun building a "retirement" home here.
When we made the final decision to move, we put our house up for sale, and it was sold in less than 4 months. Moving out of what was our "family home" to what would be just "our home" was melancholy. We had a young adult daughter in RI, a son who had been still living with us who had to find his own "digs", and a son who was starting law school. Saying "good-bye" to long-held friendships was stressful. Reality really hit me at the closing. I broke down uncontrollably in tears. I was uncertain of my future.
I had all kinds of problems with the move: I couldn't part with my material things (though I knew our new home would be smaller); the new home wasn't finished, and I had to live for months surrounded with boxes while the garage was completed (we used poor judgement and opted for no basement since we thought this home would be for summers only - the garage plan had a large second floor for storage); the cool relatives that remained in the area turned envious and cold; I discovered how difficult it can be when you turn "traitor" and leave the community where you grew up - you no longer are considered "native". And then, there's the search and adjustment for new doctors, dentist, church, friends, etc.
Meanwhile, my husband is "happy as a clam". He never looked back. I guess he wanted (or needed) the change more than I did. About a year after moving, we opened a seasonal antiques shop in the building we had purchased years before, and he ran it. My contribution was doing the bookkeeping and other paper work, assisting with the buying, and tending to the gardening surrounding the building.
I helped myself adjust by doing some volunteer work. A year later, I started a part-time job intown. This helped me reacquaint myself with folks I hadn't seen in years.
It wasn't until we returned for visits with our son who remained in the town of our "family home", that I came to appreciate so much more the move to Maine and the new life we had begun. We are far from the din of city life and all the negatives that we had learned to live with. Here, we feel safe and know nearly everyone. I've gotten used to inconveniences like traveling more for shopping and shorter summers for gardening.
My advice - be prepared for changes, some of which may be difficult to adjust to, plan, if you can, what you'll do when you make the move back "home". Nothing ever stays the same, and that includes the "home" that once was...
That's pretty much the key. You can live in a place with many things to do but if they aren't the things you like to do what good is it? There are thousands of things to do in NYC, for example, but if you enjoy mountain climbing, scuba diving, quilting clubs, hay rides and bird watching, those thousand things in NYC are meaningless.
LauraC, you're right. We didn't realize how much we loved living near the ocean until we left and couldn't find anything to compare. We loved all the small New England & Long Island towns to walk around. Yes, we think where we live is very nice but just not the right choice for us.
seaheater - I'm glad you've finally settled in to your new "home". I enjoyed reading what you had to say.
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And there are communities that are the opposite. A little cold to a visitor but when you move there, they get friendly because they now can rely on you being there. It is really hard to sort it out when you are in the looking phase.
