Retiring on a literal shoestring: support group (55, pension, divorce)

[mzfroggez]

Originally Posted by AZDesertBrat

Sorry but I had to laugh a little when I read the bolded part of your post. My mom does some of the SAME things to me! When I leave for work she'll open her kitchen window and tell me to wear my seatbelt and don't forget to lock the car doors when I get to work and she's an awful back seat driver when we go places! She constantly tells me where to turn, what streets to take, what route is best and seems to forget I've lived here, off and on, my whole life. I just laugh a little and go on. Thankfully, we don't live in the same house, so she doesn't tell me when to go to bed but I KNOW she "checks on me" fairly often and can always tell me when I DID go to bed. lol We get along well though and don't get in each other's hair.

that aspect of hover-parenting has been good training for me with my own kids - i just kept having kids until i stopped fixating on them - by the time i hit number 4, with the last three being stairstep boys, i had become too overwhelmed to keep track of them all. although i did insist on buying my daughter a cell phone (when they were those huge monstrosities with big antenaes) when she drove cross country to Montana. Two year contract and I think they never used it......................

but it is funny - my father will always tell me about these awful intersections that i will face when i'm driving somewhere in this area.....i get to the stopsign and look and look and try to figure out what the awfulness of the intersection is.

though very anal-retentive, he has a good sense of humor so i can tease him about micro-management and remind him that i have been driving, filling up at gas tanks etc for quite some time and am pretty adept at awful intersections, particularly when they aren't there..........................

and the funny thing is my father has the weirdest driving habits and i cringe at riding in the car with him......what a blessing to be the driver! no wonder i had motion sickness as a child (he tests the brakes every 3 minutes - yup, still working, kids - sound of children throwing up in back seat)

opps, i am way off topic here - think of something frugal to say...... - ah ha - i have it!

while i'm sure i'm the last person to figure this out (not calling myself dumb but calling myself techno-intimidated or inhibited) and thus it may not help anyone else, i "discovered" a cost saving tool..there may be someone else on here who has been equally challenged and thus wasting money.

i paid time warner cable for a wireless connection so I could use my lap top throughout my last house. i believe the installation cost was at least another 20.00 to do that. I also paid them 12.00 a month to use their router to provide that (this is not the modem - this is in addition to the modum/modem/modumb) . all in all, that adds up.

here at my dad's, i had planned to pay to get wireless since he simply has a cable-based pc ethernet connection. i had bought a belkin router earlier and gotten intimidated and did not do anything with it (cost all of about 45.00) - i finally decided to give it a try instead of calling comcast and voila, i have wireless throughout for 45.00 total cost/no tech needed/no additional installation fee/no monthly rental of a router - and the router can follow me whereever i go.....................

it really was easy to do - i am stunned - i do not program vcr's/i do not do computer hook ups/i do not change oil in cars. there are some things in life i have insisted remain a mystery. with this, i am not only saving money but i have boosted my self-esteem, made myself additionally useful to the general public and realized that all the things i married people for are possibly located within my own DNA ............... no comments on that please................my post-menepausal sense of humor is increasingly sardonic (??-i'll check the thesaurus on that)..........caustic..............dry but pointed toward the male species (bless their hearts)

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by mzfroggez

my thoughts are to draw up a "contract" of sorts immediately. I've always thought if people were simply upfront on things, life would go so much easier. what is important to one person is so insignificant to another but those are the things that generally break the camel's back, so to speak.

not that i have done this (get it all in writing) but i've always said i will and by golly, today is the first day of the rest of my life so today is the day....if i don't procrastinate ....which i will....but sometime in the next two weeks....no doubt it will be on my to do list.........................

back to the point - i'd suggest your sister:

1. make a list of what she expects/needs during this time
2. the grown progeny does the same.
3. compare lists and figure where the impasses are
4. mediate those

the greatest gift your sister can give to the unemployed offspring is a feeling that "this is your home - you aren't a guest/this is where you live for as long as you need to live". (group hug) . the flip side of that is that it is your sister's home too and thus she has to feel like that has not been shanghied.

AND with ownership comes privilege and responsibility. that's where the expectations and needs comes in for both parties. easier to resolve conflict if each one knows up front and then there's a basis from which to talk.

with your sister on a shoestring, the unemployed adult tyke has to absolutely make sure that they do not add a financial burden. all in all, the additional adult family member should be able to provide some manner of reducing expenses in whatever way is possible, through services provided that reduce present expenses, financial contributions if part-time/free lance work is available, whatever.

What you say above is very compassionate, thanks and I will pass it along to her. This dear adult child has been a boomerang before, and my sister weathered it. He has some depression problems. I like the idea of the lists and the contract, I'll go over this with her. She is not "poor" but not well to do either, she is worried about having to give him a daily or weekly allowance again when she is on SS herself. Also, he will be without a car and also no health insruance. So for her a lot of it is financial, as it would be for me in her shoes.

As a mother myself I am always wondering what the "right" thing to do is when you honestly want to help but the problems never seem to go away for an offspring. Does one jeopardize retirement funds and/or one's sanity? On the other hand these problems aren't his fault really. I know that lots and lots of adults in their 20s 30s and 40s have lost their jobs. Thank goodness there are no grandchildren involved. Her other kid is OK. Anyone else going through this?

[StealthRabbit]

boomarang child.

Anyone else going through this?

Yup, It's not exactly pretty.... especially those fights involving them keeping their private pay health insurance paid, ...and... the computer calls for their overdue library books. These are very trivial things indeed, so a minor detail in the whole scheme of things. I wish them the best and they will be as glad as I when they 'check-out' again. The door will always be open, but the price is mutual respect and as much financial help as each can afford. There is no longer a 'leech' mentality after about age 25. (Tho they are still bitter about having to pay their own college) Life is tough

[mzfroggez]

That's why I advocate the upfront conversation.

I don't believe any person should jeopardize their own financial security/mental well-being for the sake of their kids or anyone else. Again, the lesson of donning your oxygen mask before you help anyone else out. There is a fine line between enabling/artifically-propping-up someone and being a good Samaritan, particularly when the person is related to you.

Brainstorming ways to find solutions to problems involves both parties, particularly if undertaken prior to the habitual problem beginning. Talking openly keeps others from assuming the worst when you or they are having a bad day.

Allowance money? I don't think so but that's my feeling. Taxes the payee and reduces the adult kid to dependency status. That upfront talk would involve finances for sure - what debt obligations each has, health care costs (if unemployed and financially-pressed, the son should be eligible for some sort of public help, depending on locality - look at community resources)

- when I was out of work, needing counseling and meds, the local center had free mental health doctors for prescriptions, seriously-reduced meds at their pharmacy (7.00 co pay as i recall per month) and 15.00 counseling fee. I was pleased with the services and took an active part in my treatment. By the same token, I found that the health department allowed doctor visits for 45.00/performed a physical with all labs including a pap for 85.00 total and that was only because I was in a house where the estranged spouse actually at that point was working.

Your sister should engage her son in investigating all of these options, including what is the situation of her income's affect/effect(always mess that one up) on his status for any benefits or income-based fees. He becomes part of the solution then, not expecting mom to trouble-shoot everything for him. Many of these things can be handled with some brain power/not suggesting lying but finding the best manner to receive help that is needed. again, she doesn't bankrupt herself to provide him with help-two of them in financial straits serves no one.

I have had kids bio and otherwise move in and out of the house over the course of the years as well as people who just needed a hiatus for one reason or another. It was cool in most respects - and I can think of most things that became an issue were ones where someone wouldn't just say what they were thinking early enough for it to be an easier fix. I keep thinking of the biblical verse "ask and it shall be given unto you/seek and you shall find/knock and the door will be open unto you - chorus now - allllllllllllll - lleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee- luuuuuuuuuuuuuuu - ja"
different context but "just ask and we'll see what is possible" sure is a simple way of approaching things.

[RiverBird]

Sigh. I've gotten sidetracked on another thread--"financial struggles in retirement--peoples' own fault or not?" Why do I get involved in these silly debates? I need to get a life and get out more.

[Joe3247]

Hi everyone , I just been diagnoised with Parkinsons Disease and have been seriously thinking about retiring and think I will get maybe three grand a month and am just wondering if any one thinks this will be good to live on taking higher taxes and inflation into consideration. Appreciate any advise anyone can give me. Thanks Joe

[Windwalker2]

Originally Posted by Joe3247

Hi everyone , I just been diagnoised with Parkinsons Disease and have been seriously thinking about retiring and think I will get maybe three grand a month and am just wondering if any one thinks this will be good to live on taking higher taxes and inflation into consideration. Appreciate any advise anyone can give me. Thanks Joe

How old are you? Medicare eligible? Do you have Social Security? Where do you live?
I live on less than that with Medicare and SS which is not all taxable, if at all.

[RiverBird]

Originally Posted by Joe3247

Hi everyone , I just been diagnoised with Parkinsons Disease and have been seriously thinking about retiring and think I will get maybe three grand a month and am just wondering if any one thinks this will be good to live on taking higher taxes and inflation into consideration. Appreciate any advise anyone can give me. Thanks Joe

To me, 3 grand a month for one person seems like a comfortable amount. Is this before or after taxes? Do you have a mortgage? Do you live in an expensive area (property taxes, etc)? Are you frugal or do you require a higher lifestyle

Quality of life is more important than money when you have a health issue. When you retire, you'll have a lot of time to prepare good foods (whole foods), do alternative therapies like yoga, etc. and generally take care of yourself in the way that most can't while they are working. With my health problem, I do two hours of some kind of physical therapy every day. I could not do that when I was working.

[mzfroggez]

Originally Posted by newenglandgirl

Sigh. I've gotten sidetracked on another thread--"financial struggles in retirement--peoples' own fault or not?" Why do I get involved in these silly debates? I need to get a life and get out more.

lol - i got sucked into it too - just sometimes hard not to respond when you see the "i worked hard and that's why i have no problems at all" mentality and you say "hey, i worked hard too! - and i do have some problems!"

however, these debates can be viewed as brain food. cerebral exercises.....

i'm a fast reader, thinker and typist so my erudite submissions involve less time on the comptuter than it would appear. however, i do spend waayyyyyy too much time on this, searching for shangra la ............. utopia...... my little cottage somewhere over the rainbow....................
i already have my ruby red slippers on and am ready to go (imagine little smilie with big red sparkly feet, waving one big hand as she levitates in an air balloon-for the purist that sees a problem here, you can see the ruby red slippers because the basket is wicker and has big spaces between the weaving........................)

[mzfroggez]

Originally Posted by Joe3247

Hi everyone , I just been diagnoised with Parkinsons Disease and have been seriously thinking about retiring and think I will get maybe three grand a month and am just wondering if any one thinks this will be good to live on taking higher taxes and inflation into consideration. Appreciate any advise anyone can give me. Thanks Joe

sorry to hear of the health issues but yes, i would think that is quite a livable amount - obviously tempered by where you currently live/your debt factors/health insurance costs.