My Elderly Mother Want to Return Home-- Alone! (spouse, inheritance, state)

[kevxu]

Originally Posted by North Beach Person

If you put her in assisted living keep some of her things to go with her. My mother has been very unhappy for the last two years and I finally figured out why. My brother had POA and forced the sale of all her stuff at auction. She was one who always had a bunch of "stuff" around on her coffee table, etc. All gone. He wouldn't even let her keep her blankets and quilts (most of which my wife had bought her) or her radio. So she went to the room in assisted living with nothing she could personalize it with. We picked up some of things at the auction and she has those now.

Wow!!! Your brother was either cruel or unbelievably stupid. Congratualtions for having the smarts and love to go buy back some of her stuff for her.

[MotleyCrew]

We just placed my 94 year old mom in a care home and she wants to come back home and live with us once again. I am not sure I have the strength, but we can try. There is not a phase in life as difficult as this when you are the only care giver.

If your mom can afford some in home care, I would do that and just make a point of visiting often. When my mom lived in my home we had to take the knobs off the stove and disconnect the microwave then deadbolt us in at night so she would not wander outside and get hurt.

If she is still able to care for herself, then let her have her home and things. I do know the worry you have over her getting hurt because you feel personally responsible for it. How about neighbors?

[Keeper]

Assisted living would be better. Many times if you make someone stay in a nursing home they loose the will to live. My father also fell when he was 87 and when he had to go into a nursing home to recover he just gave up.

Call your local senior service for help. She can probably get someone to come evey day to help with her meds and be there while she baths etc. Medicare pays for this if she qualifies. Meals on Wheels is also a way to be sure she is OK. They come every week day.

I delivered MoWs and had some wonderful people. One lady was 97 and lived alone.

[yellowsnow]

Good luck trying to PUT anyone someplace they don't want to be. It's not easy even if it's, in your opinion, the best recourse.

I had to go to court to get guardianship of my father. I had a lawyer because there were other estate issues as well. Here's how the lawyer explained it to me. As long as my father knew his name, the date, where he was living, and who was president there was almost zero chance that a conservator would be appointed by the court against my father's wishes.

It's such a balancing act. Is saving them from themselves doing the right thing or are we infringing on their rights to live as they chose till the end? I know my mom always said she would rather die anywhere and in any other circumstances than in a nursing home.

I would try the meals on wheels and maybe a microwave. Disconnect the stove completely. Maybe you and other relatives could take turns spending time at her apartment. It's not too bad if you can share the responsibility. She isn't going to get better in the big scheme of things. Chances are this is a temporary thing and she will just need time to accept her situation.

Good luck, this is a hard place to be.

[thrillobyte]

Thanks to all for your time and trouble in posting such excellent advice in your responses. Sorry for the late reply. I was engaged in "family" matters.

I would seriously consider a 'radiant' cooktop (Love ours, ez to clean, and won't heat if pan is removed)

Thanks much for that bit of info, Stealth. That's definitely what I'm looking for--something that will heat food warm enough without having the ability to start a fire if she forgets she put something on the stove. She's cognitive but her short-term memory is horrible.

I think you need to talk to her doctor since the medications are not being taken correctly. This is a major problem. you may be able to convince her to have a caretender visit once a day.

Strangely, her doctor is pretty ambivalent about her inability to control her meds. I've spoke with the administrator. All I get from her is, "If she wants to go home there's really nothing I can do about it."

She probably feels a loss of control in her life. She may resent feeling like she isn't trusted to be alone at home any longer, and her self esteem is hurting. Maybe she's afraid of having a stranger in her home. Maybe she wants her privacy and don't really understand why she needs help in the first place.

You and I must have the same mom, Gandalara, because you scored 100% on that assessment. She has every single one of those traits, which is why I can't get her to agree to let someone in to help her.

Sometimes you have to fib a little. Tell her there is a gas leak in her house and stretch the repairs out. Or invent some other emergency that will not let her return to her home.

She's just tell me, "So get it fixed". But good try.

they very happily socialize with the other residents, and appear to be very comfortable and content.

That's the mystery, jane. She is comfortable there and has a circle of friends. For some odd reason she is just determined to go home despite the excellent care she gets. Her home is dark and gloomy, owing to bad placement of windows and northern exposure to light. She complained endlessly about how lonely she was after my step-father passed away. When I remind her of that she just says, "Oh, you're making all that up. I NEVER said that once!"

If you put her in assisted living keep some of her things to go with her.

Well, I actually stayed at an assisted living center for a while to "test" it out and came to the conclusion that she needs skilled nursing. Assisted living are just too big;she'd get lost in many of them. The place she's in is perfect--big enough to move around in without being so big she gets swallowed up. And the good thing is there are nurses 24/7 to watch her when she gets the unexpected UTI (7 times so far) pneumonia (once, not severe) and fecal bacterial infection (once that required isolation to treat) Had she been at home none of these would have been detected and treated but when I tell her that she just pooh-pooh's it off with, "Oh, stop your worrying so much! I'll be fine." Worse case of denial you'll ever see.

If she is still able to care for herself, then let her have her home and things. I do know the worry you have over her getting hurt because you feel personally responsible for it. How about neighbors?

She's able to do a few things but it's just a matter of time. She has some good neighbors, one is 94 and living alone herself (my mother's role model, I think--she's always saying, Well look at Ruth. She lives alone too. If she can do it why can't I?" Another, the one who's house I mentioned as being in immediate danger of fire) is a wonderful middle-aged woman who is very caring of her neighbors, but the problem is she can't be there 24/7 and an elderly person can die in an instant if they fall and hit their head.

Many times if you make someone stay in a nursing home they loose the will to live.

One good thing is she's very pragmatic (except for going home) She never has mood swings--has never felt sorry for herself a day in her life, despite a womanizing first husband and an alcoholic second (my late father) who physically hit her on occasion. Even now in the hospital she's pleasant, never crabby, and gets along well with everyone.

I had to go to court to get guardianship of my father. I had a lawyer because there were other estate issues as well. Here's how the lawyer explained it to me. As long as my father knew his name, the date, where he was living, and who was president there was almost zero chance that a conservator would be appointed by the court against my father's wishes.

It's such a balancing act. Is saving them from themselves doing the right thing or are we infringing on their rights to live as they chose till the end?

Boy, you got that right, yellowsnow. She has all her practical facts ok (name, age, location, who the president is, etc) so she can pass the court test. She has just lost the ability to step outside herself, view her situation and reason that she is in danger if she goes home, not to mention thinking she can manage her meds better than how the doctor tells her to.

Again, thanks to all who offered advice. It was all very helpful. And to hear that others are in the same situation, while I wouldn't wish this on anyone, is somehow comforting to know I'm not alone.

[sweetana3]

You are absolutely not alone. We have my parents and husbands parents (on opposite sides of the country) in similiar situations. FinLaw has Advanced Parkinsons and using a walker. He can barely get in and out of the house and if he fell, she would need to call an ambulance for help. My mother is bedridden being cared for by her husband and an assistant at home.

Both would be better in a semi assisted situation with companionship and safety devices. But no!!! must stay at home regardless of how much it hurts others (caregivers) or how isolating it is. There is not much anyone can do in such precarious situations but wait for the crisis telephone calls.

[dj10]

These posts bring back memories.

If she is having short term memory that would really worry me. That would affect whether or not she can take care of herself on a daily basis. I remember when I was looking at assisted living places for my Mother I was feeling very guilty about it. I was so upset about it that I was making myself sick. One woman at one of the centers said to me there are two kinds of "guilt". One is the guilt you feel when you have to put her in another place that you know is a safe environment but not what she really wants. The other guilt is what you feel if you let her stay at home and she ends up hurting herself or starting a house fire or some other tragic circumstance. I can't remember the exact words but you get the idea. It does give you something to think about.

It's a horrible decision to have to make. For a person to have to give up their home and possessions at that age means giving up and going somewhere to die.

If your Mother does go home it's very possible the decision will be made for you if she keeps getting infections and ends up going back and forth to hospitals etc. There will be no other choice.

I don't know your Mother's financial situation but would it be possible for you to take her home (if she insists) on a trial basis but reserve her room for maybe a week or two. It could be that once she is home a while she may miss her friends and being catered to, so to speak, by the nurses. I suggest reserving her room because you said it is an ideal situation for her. I don't know where you live but around here there are waiting lists to get in. This way her room would still be available if she wants to go back.

We have what they call the Office of Aging around here. They can send someone out to the home and assess the situation and let you know what resources are available to help. Do you have some place like that you could call? If staying in the home isn't the best idea they may know just the right thing to say to convince her otherwise. Maybe if the idea comes from someone else she may be more accepting.

Also, it you have not done so I would suggest you have a Power of Attorney set up. If you can get her to agree with it you will be able to make decisions and pay her bills if she is incapable of doing so at any time. If you wait until after the fact, it is a lot harder to get permission to do so. I believe you might have to go through the courts that way. My Mother developed dementia and I was so glad we had taken care of that earlier.

There just is no easy answer. Please post again and let us know how things turned out.

[knoxgarden]

If she does go home, make sure she has LifeAlert or something similar. Some Medicare advantage programs pay the monthly fee for it. Mine does.
It's like a watch or a pendant that she wears all the time and pushing the button summons help. Most also require a call a day to the center to let them know she's OK. If they don't hear from her, they come out. My mother had it. It gave us and her great peace of mind.
Life Alert 6000+ Grateful Testimonials - Consumer Rating A+
Many states are discovering that it's cheaper to keep seniors in their homes than to stick them in nursing homes and are providing visiting nurses and homeworkers to go in daily and check on them, make sure they take medication, get them meals and do simple house cleaning.
Check with your state office of aging and local senior centers to find what's available. There are also private companies that offer services:
https://www.interimhealthcare.com/homestyle/services/
And check with the local post office. Many areas have a "Carrier Alert" program where mail carriers watch for mail accumulation or other signs of something being not quite right at homes of elderly and disabled. You need to sign up for it.
There are lots of ways to get her the support she needs in her home and to give you peace of mind.

[Sandhillian]

Originally Posted by North Beach Person

If you put her in assisted living keep some of her things to go with her. My mother has been very unhappy for the last two years and I finally figured out why. My brother had POA and forced the sale of all her stuff at auction. She was one who always had a bunch of "stuff" around on her coffee table, etc. All gone. He wouldn't even let her keep her blankets and quilts (most of which my wife had bought her) or her radio. So she went to the room in assisted living with nothing she could personalize it with. We picked up some of things at the auction and she has those now.

That is financial exploitation and a misuse of a power of attorney! The agent (your brother) under the power of attorney had a fiduciary duty to follow your Mom's wishes. Only if she was unable to say and he had no idea what her wishes would have been, should he have been free to do what he felt was best for her and no reasonable person would think that selling all her things was in her best interests. You should help her to revoke the power of attorney and appoint someone else. Free legal assistance and help with the original question for this thread may be available through your local Area Agency on Aging.

[hedgie]

Check out the website retirement planning future plan advisor at eldercarelocator.com (at least I think that is the website). There is probably a local government office that handles elder issues that may have a list of resources that might help you. There are also private services that for a fee will do an evaluation and make recommendations as to what needs to be done to keep your parent in her home. This could range from modifications to the home, having meals or groceries delivered, having a visitng nurse or LPN to help with medications. Is there a social worker at the facility where she currently resides? If so, that person might also be able to give you information about possible resources available to you. This is a very difficult situation. I wish you all the best.