My Elderly Mother Want to Return Home-- Alone! (social security, 2009, accident)

[Tesaje]

Or maybe its the meds that are making her a little off. Wouldn't be the first time a senior is over-medicated by doctors and forgetfulness is caused by the meds rather than anything wrong with the person.

You really can't just take over a parent's life without providing the court a lot of proof that she really is incompetent to run her own life. Just wanting to live in her own home is not evidence enough to prove she is incompetent. There are services to help out elders in their own homes and they are less expensive than homes for them. Just refusing to obey a child's directives is also not sufficient evidence.

[thrillobyte]

She hasn't got Alzheimer's. She just has horrible short-term memory--forgets what she said 2 minutes ago or what she took (pills). The solution to this thorny issue is to have a qualified medical aide of some sort come in and dispense the meds to her.

[lenora]

I think you are overly concerned. According to your earlier post:

Strangely, her doctor is pretty ambivalent about her inability to control her meds. I've spoke with the administrator. All I get from her is, "If she wants to go home there's really nothing I can do about it."

This suggests to me that the medical professionals do not agree with you that your mother needs to be placed in a facility. She certainly does not need skilled nursing care.

P.S.: She's 87 years old. Her failure to take her osteoporosis meds is not going to do her in. As for her blood pressure medication - she'll probably need routine b.p. checks. Again, she's 87 years old. She is an adult. Respect her decision and visit her frequently. You only live 20 minutes away !

[thrillobyte]

lenora, 6 months prior to breaking her ankle she called paramedics 4 times in three months because she improperly dosed her BP meds. 3 of those times they took her to the hospital. Still think she's good to go on her own?

[Raffeer]

Originally Posted by thrillobyte

Picture this: a son is beneficiary to his mother's estate. He's dispensing her meds. She gets into her pill bottles because she insists on having access to them--non-negotiable. She accidentally overdoes herself and dies. Police investigate and find out the son was dosing the meds. What's to stop them from considering me a suspect and having a smart DA "prove" I was after my mom's inheritance and deliberately overdosed her to get it. Watch some Dateline or 20/20 and you'll see this all the time.

The police would be awfully busy if they checked out every caretaker (husband/wife/son/daughter etc) whose charge died under their care and they then benefited from that death.
I still think that is an absurd excuse not to take a simple step to PREVENT a medication accident.
It also strikes me as being a bit selfish. "I will not take a 20 minute step that might PREVENT my Mother from screwing up her medication because if she screwed up anyway I MIGHT be accused of overdosing her because I am a beneficiary of her estate"
I sure hope my kids don't think the way you do.

[Gandalara]

Originally Posted by lenora

I think you are overly concerned. According to your earlier post:

(thrillobyte)"Strangely, her doctor is pretty ambivalent about her inability to control her meds. I've spoke with the administrator. All I get from her is, "If she wants to go home there's really nothing I can do about it." (thrillobyte)

This suggests to me that the medical professionals do not agree with you that your mother needs to be placed in a facility.

I have to respectfully disagree. It suggests to me that the OP should get a second opinion - if only to ease his mind. A second opinion may also show his Mom that she admit to needing some kind of help in the home.

I'm going through this caretaker stuff too. Mom is 88. Lives by herself. I'm employed full-time and I'm over an hour away. Brother and sister are retired and both are several states away (and don't seem concerned anyway - family issues are SO much fun ).

Although I will say I've never had any qualms like the OP about medication help - and I'm executor of the family trust.

thrillobyte, here's a suggestion that worked for me last year after a hospital stay. "Mom, I promised Dad when he was in the hospital that I'd take care of you. I've hired a visiting nurse to stay with you for 4 days until the weekend. Then we'll talk about how you feel."

She fussed (especially the first day), but it worked. She laughs about it now - says I made her feel guilty

[lenora]

Originally Posted by thrillobyte

lenora, 6 months prior to breaking her ankle she called paramedics 4 times in three months because she improperly dosed her BP meds. 3 of those times they took her to the hospital. Still think she's good to go on her own?

I'd need more info. For example, what was the result of the paramedics taking her to the hospital? What was her BP on admission? What treatment did she receive and what were the discharge instructions? Was the change in BP critical and if so, was it a change that that may have occurred over several days and could have been detected with routine BP checks? Regardless, monitoring of BP does not required skilled nursing care.

As an aside, I just read an article where paramedics were complaining of an increase in 911 calls from the elderly (among others) who really did not need emergency care, but because of protocol had to be transported to the ER. Loneliness was cited as one factor in the increased calls.

Obviously none of us can say with certainty whether your mother needs in-home assistance. (I'm comfortable saying she doesn't need to be placed in a nursing home because I am aware of admission criteria and she doesn't meet it.) One thing you may want to consider, however, is that your mother may stop confiding in you if she senses that you will use her moments of forgetfulness to gain personal and/or financial guardianship of her. Tread carefully. One option is to hire a geriatric manager who can evaluate your mother's needs and act as an advocate.

[thrillobyte]

Obviously none of us can say with certainty whether your mother needs in-home assistance.

I can tell you all with certainty that she does need in-home. Gang, I'm going to draw this thread to a close Thanks to all for your concern and helpful advice. Those of you in the same boat, good luck, it's a tough road to traverse.

[Ketabcha]

Originally Posted by Gandalara

You really need to get her doctor on your side. Or ... to really be harsh and as a last measure .. you can petition for guardianship or have her declared incompetent. I'd hate to do that myself I really don't know if I could, it just sounds horrible to me!

My sister and I faced that with our 83 year old mother in June of 2008. She lived in the family home in west Texas. It was a 2.5 hour drive for me and a 3.5 for my sis. We were afraid that mother was going to burn the house down with her very sloppy smoking habits. The carpet around the sofa she sat in was covered with burn holes. Her memory was fading fast and we were afraid for her safety. Also, she was being taken advantage of by sales people. She would sign contracts without telling us about them first. YIKES!!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how many magazine subscriptions she had....even getting 2 or 3 of the same magazine each month. My sister handled cleaning that up while I handled the sale of the house. Mother had her master bath retiled and the job was a mess. Ugly, uneven tiles. She loved it and refused to notice all the mistakes.

It would not work for her to live with either one of us. Believe me, it would not work. So, my sis and I started thinking about guardianship and we dreaded the process. We also found a wonderful assisted living place for her that is 10 min from my sister and 45 minutes from me. Just before we planned to tell her about this she called us and said she wanted to move to the DFW area near us. So, we moved her, sold the family house and she is as happy as a clam in a nice assisted living situation. The place looks like a resort. I would not mind living there. No lie. She has a one-bedroom with a small kitchen that has sink, fridge and microwave. No stoves or ovens. She eats in the formal dining room with the other residents and the facility nurse handles her prescriptions. She plays bridge, and goes shopping with her pals on the residency van. I think she is about 5 years younger since the move....I sure know I am. lol

We were fortunate that we did not have to go the guardianship route but that option is available to you. If you have to do it she will get over it once she is settled in to the new place and makes friends.

I found the assisted living place by using a free nationwide service called A Place for Mom. The facility pays for the service. It costs you and your mother nothing. Google it. The workers are exceptionally nice, understanding and well-informed. They will find out your needs from you and will set up appointments for you to visit the facilities. Make sure they have a beauty shop on site. That is very important for women.

As Gandalara mentioned, you need the doctors on your side. That should not be a problem. Round em' up and head em' out. And, good luck to you during a very trying time in your life. Things have a way of working out and they will this time, too.

[thrillobyte]

Originally Posted by Ketabcha

I found the assisted living place by using a free nationwide service called A Place for Mom. The facility pays for the service. It costs you and your mother nothing. Google it.

Thank you for that reference, ketabcha. I have put it under "favorites" for future reference.