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Old 11-06-2009, 10:30 PM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,510 posts, read 14,346,913 times
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Inlaws?
Kids wanting to start their own family tradition?

My MIL always wanted us to come for C'mas and Thanksgiving, year after year. My folks lived too far away to want to do it every year, so didn't really have to deal with that too. It can get kind of tough trying to please two ( or more) sets of parents and wanting to start your own family traditions too. Any chance you can visit one of them instead?
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Old 11-07-2009, 12:16 AM
 
Location: Prescott Valley,az summer/east valley Az winter
2,042 posts, read 3,630,292 times
Reputation: 7884
3 kids~ 6 grandkids~ have not had them to dinner for thanksgiving or Christmas yet~go to center to have Thanksgiving and Christmas with friends and love it~kids have other obligations for the holidays!

If any of my kids showed up I'd just take them with me.

yes~ you are being too sensitive!
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Old 11-07-2009, 02:21 AM
 
12,737 posts, read 14,101,964 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Am I being too sensitive, or is this the way it always goes? One son is in Afghanistan, so he's excused. One son is in North Carolina, so he's reluctantly excused. One is 3 hours away and is not excused. One is local and I don't know his plans yet.
Am I being unrealistic to expect all my chicks to want to gather for holidays, or is this just to be expected? Most of my friend's children seem to get together for the holidays, so I don't get it. I should add that there are not rifts or reasons that I know of that they would be avoiding us. We're really nice, have lots of friends our age and are not weird old people.
I fear I may spend Thanksgiving sobbing into my Stove Top for two.
I'm 71, and what I've noticed over, lo these many years, is that many parents have big problems with the holiday expectation and their kids. So, you are not alone.

When kids grow up, they are not kids. They have lives of their own, and there are times they want to be able to enjoy holidays in their own way. This is not a crime. Presumably they work hard, and maybe your son three hours away simply does not want to face six hours of driving, but would prefer to hang around home with his own family. I quite frankly do not blame him one bit.

As for your local son (and his family?) Does he ignore you the other 364 days a year? If not, let him go. Married, single, living in sin, whatever, let him have his holiday however he wants it.

If your kids have reasons for never visiting you; then you have a problem. But if they take many of the holidays with their own families - don't make a big deal out of it. You had them for twenty or more years, probably, at the holiday table. Let 'em go.

Don't guilt trip your kids for having made lives of their own, and don't mope around the pity pot. Invite friends over, go out, take a holiday trip.
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Old 11-07-2009, 05:02 AM
 
Location: Ohio
2,178 posts, read 8,084,633 times
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I guess I'm lucky.
The house where the kids grew up was always the meeting place for a big Thanksgiving dinner even after they left the nest.
Once they had homes and families of their own we rotated but we are always together on Thanksgiving.
Yes, they have their own lives and obligations.
But we have never been apart except when my two sons were in the military. Even then we set a place at the table for them as a symbol of being together.
You are not being insensitive. You want your family together on a special day.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
We are family. We want to be together and share holidays.
Even if it means some of us have to drive for a few hours.
The togetherness seems to make it worthwhile.
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Old 11-07-2009, 05:13 AM
 
519 posts, read 916,819 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poster View Post
Let it slip that you have an appointment in early December with a lawyer to update your wills.

You know I agree with this.

When I was a little girl we used to have huge family Christmases at my grandparents home.

They had 5 kids and 3 grandkids.

None of the 5 kids particularly liked their parents as they were neglectful and the dad was alcoholic --- and yet we all spent the whole day there.

Simply because...

Grandad used to spend thousands of dollars on gifts for us all and he absolutely DEMANDED that every single family member bought for every other member.

It was awesome for us kids!

Once grandad died the whole thing fell apart, I was 12 when he died and haven't really seen my extended family since.

But I agree you'll need to really think about how to tempt your extended family away from their other commitments.

It can be done, with a little thought.
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Old 11-07-2009, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,507 posts, read 8,031,514 times
Reputation: 3332
Quote:
Originally Posted by TumbleBug View Post
You know I agree with this.

When I was a little girl we used to have huge family Christmases at my grandparents home.

They had 5 kids and 3 grandkids.

None of the 5 kids particularly liked their parents as they were neglectful and the dad was alcoholic --- and yet we all spent the whole day there.

Simply because...

Grandad used to spend thousands of dollars on gifts for us all and he absolutely DEMANDED that every single family member bought for every other member.


It was awesome for us kids!

Once grandad died the whole thing fell apart, I was 12 when he died and haven't really seen my extended family since.

But I agree you'll need to really think about how to tempt your extended family away from their other commitments.

It can be done, with a little thought.
The whole thing fell apart because it wasn't built on anything more than manipulation and bribery!!
Seriously, if you have to go to such measures to 'tempt' your family members to join you for holidays then it's really just selfish and you are lying to yourself about having 'happy' holiday's together.
As a kid you might think it is 'awesome' just because of the gifts but as an adult you should see it for what it really was...a sad old man trying to buy his happy memories because he wasn't the kind of person his family really wanted to spend Christmas with. Sad.
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Old 11-07-2009, 07:56 AM
 
29,800 posts, read 34,894,042 times
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Our kids grow up, have families and establish their own traditions. It is not just what they do one or two days that tells the story it is what they do the rest of the year that tells the story.
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Old 11-07-2009, 08:17 AM
 
9,807 posts, read 13,469,808 times
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To me, ---family-- isn't just ome generation and their kids.

--family-- includes all generations that are still living.

As a grandfather, I am fortunate that my married children still think the same .

Thanksgiving and Christmas usually involve a few phone calls ( fron us to them or them to us) to work out a schedule taking into consideration the plans my children have with their in-laws also.

On Christmas we have worked out either Christmas day or Christmas eve ( depending om what the kid's in-laws got scheduled)

I am very fortunate that my married kids want to continue that tradition of Thanksgiving and Christmas being a family time and " family" includes all generations.

Most people , in my area, who are alone at Thanksgiving, go to one of the community meals .

Many of them ,due to schedules, are having their family Thansgiving get together planned for the following Saturday or Sunday cuz the kids were at the in-laws on the actual Thanksgivingday.

The next year, it might be reversed.
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Old 11-07-2009, 08:22 AM
 
12,737 posts, read 14,101,964 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poster View Post
Let it slip that you have an appointment in early December with a lawyer to update your wills.
As long as you realize that you are buying obedience, not love.
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Old 11-07-2009, 08:37 AM
 
819 posts, read 1,364,689 times
Reputation: 1405
When my siblings and I started getting married and there were some conflicts in where the families would spend whatever holiday came up, my mother suggested that we have our family Thanksgiving the Sat after Thanksgiving and Christmas the Sat before Christmas it made everyone happy. Now that she is no longer here, we still do that, but the siblings take turns hosting.

I have two sons who live quite a ways away, but they generally make it home for Christmas. This year I don't think one of them can make it, but will try to get here for Thanksgiving. Daughter lives just 30 minutes away and is pretty much here for most holidays.
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