Four kids, 5 grandchildren, nobody's coming for Thanksgiving. (divorce, move, divorced)

[Boompa]

I guess I'm "Lucky" one son still lives with me. At least with him still home I know the wife will make Turkey.

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

Am I being too sensitive, or is this the way it always goes? One son is in Afghanistan, so he's excused. One son is in North Carolina, so he's reluctantly excused. One is 3 hours away and is not excused. One is local and I don't know his plans yet.
Am I being unrealistic to expect all my chicks to want to gather for holidays, or is this just to be expected? Most of my friend's children seem to get together for the holidays, so I don't get it. I should add that there are not rifts or reasons that I know of that they would be avoiding us. We're really nice, have lots of friends our age and are not weird old people.
I fear I may spend Thanksgiving sobbing into my Stove Top for two.

I don't think your unrealistic at all.
I would come and spend it with you, were you closer. I am a single Mom and my daughter will be spending Thanksgiving with her Father this year, first time ever since he walked out on us when she was a baby. I do not spend time with my family because there are HUGE problems there. You would have to bake the stuffing with Clonazepam before I could make it through a holiday with them.

Why don't you look for others in your same situation and gather together your friends and make up your adopted family. It could be a potluck affair where everyone brings something different. It could be a new tradition.

[Sunnydee]

Gentlearts, you can come to my house for Thanksgiving. My parents are in Florida and I miss them terribly on Thanksgivng. I know you want to be with your own kids, but we'd be honored to have you with us. Plus I do much better than Stovetop.

Just a thought, but could you invite yourselves to one of your kids' houses for Thanksgiving? This way you'd get to be with at least one of your children and if travelling is the issue you'd be taking on that burden.

[JS1]

Originally Posted by Honeycrisp

Why not just go out to a restaurant or have her over? There's plenty of time to make a reservation. Her health may not be up to par and she may not be up to company, she may have entertained a lot in the past and is at a point where she doesnt want to do it again. It's not really about where you go but it's about getting together w/ those you love (most of the time anyway, j/k!)

Thanks for the suggestions, but what you wrote is the exact opposite of my mother... fine health, goes on trips or invites people over to her house, and she has not once ever visited me.

I guess my point is that no one visiting because they're busy is preferable to getting dis-invited and ignored.

[Samantha S]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

I assure you that I will not be pouting or voicing my displeasure, but will cheerfully lie about how I hope they have a super fun holiday, and I certainly do count my blessings that they are healthy and happy.

Here is the problem, IMHO. You drop hints, you hope, but you don't tell them what you want.

If I were you, this is what I would do:

Call each of your children tomorrow and say, "This year, I would like all of my kids to be in my home together for a holiday celebration. It can be on Thanksgiving or a day before or after, it can be on Christmas or a day before or after, but I want to host a meal and I want all of my children there. (you have a right to say what you want) I will leave it to all of you to discuss your schedules and plans amongst yourselves and to get back to me with what date works best. Let's have a plan in place and a date picked by next Sunday."

No begging or pleading, no guilt tripping. You have to present it as an expectation. That doesn't mean you will get it, of course, but you certainly stand the best chance if your want is made clear! The two who have excuses for this year, you can let off the hook, but you should make it clear that you intend for this to be a tradition that happens once a year around this holiday time. And that you want them to know this so that they will know to expect to make plans in advance.

If one or more don't show up, again no begging or pleading or guilt tripping, it's simply presented as an expectation and afterward, you let them know that they were missed and that you want to see them at dinner next year.

At other times of the year, you should make the effort to go and see them so that you all maintain close relationships.

That is what I would do if I were you.

[Alexus]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

Am I being too sensitive, or is this the way it always goes? One son is in Afghanistan, so he's excused. One son is in North Carolina, so he's reluctantly excused. One is 3 hours away and is not excused. One is local and I don't know his plans yet.
Am I being unrealistic to expect all my chicks to want to gather for holidays, or is this just to be expected? Most of my friend's children seem to get together for the holidays, so I don't get it. I should add that there are not rifts or reasons that I know of that they would be avoiding us. We're really nice, have lots of friends our age and are not weird old people.
I fear I may spend Thanksgiving sobbing into my Stove Top for two.

I wouldn't take it to heart but of course there is no way that I can walk in your shoes. Don't worry about the things you can't control IMO.

What you can control is yourself and to start, be thankful that you are healthy enough to enjoy the holiday, and still around to have one. Make the most of the day and the season.

[gentlearts]

Originally Posted by Samantha S

Here is the problem, IMHO. You drop hints, you hope, but you don't tell them what you want.

If I were you, this is what I would do:

Call each of your children tomorrow and say, "This year, I would like all of my kids to be in my home together for a holiday celebration. It can be on Thanksgiving or a day before or after, it can be on Christmas or a day before or after, but I want to host a meal and I want all of my children there. (you have a right to say what you want) I will leave it to all of you to discuss your schedules and plans amongst yourselves and to get back to me with what date works best. Let's have a plan in place and a date picked by next Sunday."

No begging or pleading, no guilt tripping. You have to present it as an expectation. That doesn't mean you will get it, of course, but you certainly stand the best chance if your want is made clear! The two who have excuses for this year, you can let off the hook, but you should make it clear that you intend for this to be a tradition that happens once a year around this holiday time. And that you want them to know this so that they will know to expect to make plans in advance.

If one or more don't show up, again no begging or pleading or guilt tripping, it's simply presented as an expectation and afterward, you let them know that they were missed and that you want to see them at dinner next year.

At other times of the year, you should make the effort to go and see them so that you all maintain close relationships.

That is what I would do if I were you.

They are going elsewhere, otherwise we'd be glad to go there. When I was growing up, we went to grandma's house, not to some in law's cousin's house. To be fair, they are all spread around the country, not in the same area like we were.

[gentlearts]

I am through venting and whining, and you are all sweet to respond.
I will patiently wait to hear from my one remaining child to see if I'm the big winner or not, and if he's not coming I'll go to a plan B.

[staywarm2]

A Cruise Instead of Cooking?

If you can afford it, why not go on a cruise for Thanksgiving weekend. It'll be festive and fun and may wake your kids up that mom and dad have a life, too! Plus, someone will wait on YOU.

We started a new tradition last year. We usually have Christmas Day for our daughter and husband and kids. But the kids have been up half the night "waiting for Santa," so they are usually exhausted and crabby on Christmas day and often fall asleep. One Christmas, my grandson slept on the couch through dinner. They get SO many gifts from Santa, that our gifts are sort of after thoughts. So last year, we had them for Christmas Eve instead. The grandkids were perky and enjoyed our gifts, and daughter and her hubby were not yet tired from putting out all that largesse under the tree. They had their own dinner on the big day and the kids could wear their pj's as long as they wanted and play with their new stuff.

We went out to dinner on the big day and saw a movie. I was shocked to see how very many people go to the movies on Christmas Day! It was different, but fun.

[TexasHorseLady]

Here's a question. Think back to when you started having Thanksgivings at your house as a young mother. Where were your parents/in-laws then? Didn't they want you to have Thanksgiving at their house like you/your husband always had? How did you handle that?

This year, my son is in San Antonio and will be spending the holiday with his lady's extremely extended family (50 to 100 people, I believe it is). We're invited, but won't be able to spend the several days that this event entails - can't be away from the farm and critters that long - but we might make it down for the day. If not, we'll be having Thanksgiving with them the following weekend - we've long had a tradition that the Saturday after Thanksgiving is the real holiday, anyway, and Thanksgiving is just an excuse to make the turkey so I can make the Saturday After Thanksgiving Turkey and Andouille Gumbo.

Our daughter is in Canada with her new husband. She celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving with her new family, but may not be able to come home for Thanksgiving this year. (Last year she was in the Caymans, so we had a family Thanksgiving in August before she left.)

Thanksgiving is our big holiday, but we figure out ways to be adaptable in order to make it happen. I may feel a twinge on the actual day, but we'll probably spend the day cooking and lazing around and such and talk to the kids on the phone or IM.

As someone else (maybe several someone's) said, it's really about how they treat you the rest of the year.