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Old 02-17-2011, 11:50 PM
 
11,182 posts, read 10,204,616 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts
I, too, congratulate myself that I have raised 4 independent children. This does not, however, explain that they cannot give their parents a single thought, pick up the phone for no reason other than to check on our wellbeing, or that they cannot prompty answer a text message or voice mail...not OK.
You're right. Not OK.



Quote:
Originally Posted by PDD View Post
Feel you pain we are in the same boat.
If it will make you feel any better you can be sure they will show up at the reading of the Will.
Never thought I'd say this but I hope they don't take time off work to attend, only to learn they aren't named in it.
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Old 02-18-2011, 09:57 AM
 
12,689 posts, read 14,071,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HereOnMars View Post
Originally Posted by PDD
Feel you pain we are in the same boat.
If it will make you feel any better you can be sure they will show up at the reading of the Will.

Never thought I'd say this but I hope they don't take time off work to attend, only to learn they aren't named in it.
Why deny yourselves the pleasure of telling these ingrates now?

My father decided not to deny himself when I was about 24/25. After he and my mother and two other couples visited me in the city where I was working for a football weekend, he took me into their hotel room and announced in a voice resonant with authority and condemnation: "You know I can't leave my money to you when I die." And he then proceded to sum up in three concise sentences why I had been weighed in the balance and found wanting.

Very politely - and sincerely, I said, "It's your money, you worked for it. You leave it to who you want to." I held out my hand for him to shake....which he did in utter confusion, and I left.

No problemo.

Many years later my mother urged me a few times to take money from her, usually $5,000 or less...inheritance taxes or such were never mentioned as being a consideration, by the way. And as my mother had never in her life given a gift that didn't have a rope attached to it, never mind a string, I always declined. And I was quite honest about the fact that gifts with strings weren't gifts.

Finally my aunt, her sister, warned me to the effect that my mother was so annoyed at these refusals that she was saying that she wasn't going to leave me any money when she died....knowing full well my aunt would rush in full alarm to warn me.

Shortly after, came another offer and I declined, saying that I didn't need it, and that as she was old that she should be keeping her money to use for her own comfort and welfare. She snapped that I might find that there wasn't any money for me after she died, which I told her was good reason not to be giving it away beforehand.

Again, no problemo.

I quite frankly admire my parents for their directness: their largesse was a reward for obediance and as I didn't care for the terms of service, that was that.

I'm all in favor of parents laying it right on the line while all parties are alive.

P.S. I did not show up for the reading of either will, by the way.
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Old 02-18-2011, 10:43 AM
 
Location: So. of Rosarito, Baja, Mexico
6,652 posts, read 18,673,644 times
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Reading some of these posts am recalling a slight similarity on some of the issues espounded upon.

My late dad was a (self) business owner and put in many hrs during his 6 day week.

I was in the same trade later on and also did likewise. My parents wanted me to call or visit (200 mile drive) on a weekend when I was in need of a good rest after my 10-12 hr days during the week.

My children (one a grandparent and another to be one) are engrossed in their work and family needs so I'm not complaining of not being called upon. An E-Mail is sufficient to check or verify that I'm still alive and doing okay. My health is not severe as may be with some...couple of small problems...normal for my age.

One thing we all need to remember is that when children leave the nest they start their own nest and as such we need to butt out so to speak...leave them alone and only hope they call once in a while acknowledging that you still exist.
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Old 02-18-2011, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Connecticut is my adopted home.
2,276 posts, read 3,078,357 times
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This has to be one of the saddest threads ever, ranking right up there with some of those heartbreakers in the Relationship forum. Family dynamics 101. Points on both sides of the question regarding familial obligation versus on-going relationship have been adequately defended. I find myself clearly understanding and sympathizing with both sides of the issue and have no more to add. Bottom line: If things aren't working out, then get on the ball, directly address and fix the problem if possible, remembering that some things might not be repairable or will need time and changes to mend.
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Old 02-18-2011, 04:25 PM
 
Location: Near a river
16,042 posts, read 18,971,705 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
This has to be one of the saddest threads ever, ranking right up there with some of those heartbreakers in the Relationship forum. Family dynamics 101. Points on both sides of the question regarding familial obligation versus on-going relationship have been adequately defended. I find myself clearly understanding and sympathizing with both sides of the issue and have no more to add. Bottom line: If things aren't working out, then get on the ball, directly address and fix the problem if possible, remembering that some things might not be repairable or will need time and changes to mend.
I agree, but directly addressing the problem can drive adult kids further away, this younger generation doesn't do "guilt" the way our generation did. And yes, guilt does play a part, like it or not. But we do not want guilt to be the motivator for our kids staying in touch with us as we age.

For those fortunate enough to have close adult kids, that's great. For others who don't, simply move on and build a life around something else. It will hurt forever, but what else can be done?
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Old 02-18-2011, 06:30 PM
 
12,689 posts, read 14,071,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
I agree, but directly addressing the problem can drive adult kids further away, this younger generation doesn't do "guilt" the way our generation did. And yes, guilt does play a part, like it or not. But we do not want guilt to be the motivator for our kids staying in touch with us as we age.
One risk of directly addressing the problem is that you may get a real earful of something that been buried a long time, and which won't sit well with you at all.

But I think you really have a point there about the change in attitude vis a vis guilt.

I knew adults of my generation (b. 1938) who kow-towed and grovelled to parents who had been bullies or abusive alcoholics, and were still at with their grownup kids....and their kids cringed and took it. I can remember one poor fellow who would come back from the annual family Christmas dinner with his bullying, alcoholic mother and it would be a week before he calmed down.

Now days I think some adult kids would just say, "I'll see you when you're sober."

Quote:
For those fortunate enough to have close adult kids, that's great. For others who don't, simply move on and build a life around something else. It will hurt forever, but what else can be done?
To which I would only add if your parents are decent folks and have have been, be grateful and let them know. Because there are millions of mean old buggers out there that could have been your parents.
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Old 02-28-2011, 02:35 AM
 
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newenglandgirl I am on your page. I loved my intelligent, independent, controlling, manipulative, rebellious mother who caused me a lifetime of stress. Her need to control was massive but that didn't mean I wasn't kind, caring, attentive and looking after her every step of the way in her old age despite her often unkind, unloving and rebellious behaviour. She lived hundreds of miles away and I visited her every 7-10 days. I phoned her every day. I shopped for her, bought her clothes and painstakingly sewed on id labels to all her clothes and stuck up for her in very difficult circumstances.

The older she became the more I admired the things she had achieved in her life. When we were growing up in the 1950's she must have felt like she was in a prison as a stay at home mother. The culture of the time severely frowned on any married woman with children working.

My mother should have been a CEO or business high flyer, and how she overcame the stifling culture of the 50's was admirable.

So, despite all the bad stuff she doled out I valued her so much. Now that she has gone I would like to be able to remember her with joy but before I recall the good bits it is the pain that she inflicted on me and others that hits my memory first and that is a sad situation imo.

However, it is possible despite great emotional pain to enjoy ones parents and learn to appreciate them more.

Don't just put up with them, listen and learn from them, watch how they heroically deal with chronic pain, loneliness and the grief of losing their life partner.

Love them more not less as they age.
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:14 PM
 
739 posts, read 1,609,987 times
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My DH and I retired five years ago. Our kids are 27, married with one son and another on the way who lives near us, another who is 23, lives far away and to be married in January and the last one who goes away to college. We are somewhat scattered but have made our connections through Facebook, texting and the internet.

It doesn't feel like we are far away from each other. All three kids chatter away to each other on FB or the telephone; I am included when I want to be. We all have a pretty good time of it and chat regularly on the phone as well.

I like to think that no matter where any of us lives, we'll be able to keep up with the mundane aspects of each others lives for the fun of it and not due to feeling obligated. Sometimes, if one of them posts a complaint about something going wrong in their lives, I'll post back, 'Call your mother'. They do, we talk, and feel connected. It's all very natural in a cyber-space kind of way.

I say, whatever works. If it's a phone call once a day, a letter once a week or a Christmas visit, that's fine. If you need more, make the effort. We all text each other quite often. If a longer chat is required, we can go to Facebook and Instant Message. If we really need to talk, we call. It is do-able.
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:40 PM
 
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1 kid... a son. Idiot friends used to quote, "A son is yours for just a while but a daughter is forever." (not verbatim but something like this) We have a great relationship with our grown son and maybe it's because we never expected anything from him. We didn't raise him to take care of us, we never voiced concerns over nursing homes, etc. we just loved him. He's 36 and he loves us back.
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Old 03-18-2011, 05:07 PM
PDD
 
Location: The Sand Hills of NC
8,774 posts, read 14,864,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ipoetry View Post
1 kid... a son. Idiot friends used to quote, "A son is yours for just a while but a daughter is forever." (not verbatim but something like this) We have a great relationship with our grown son and maybe it's because we never expected anything from him. We didn't raise him to take care of us, we never voiced concerns over nursing homes, etc. we just loved him. He's 36 and he loves us back.
Here it is.
A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.
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