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Old 11-24-2009, 09:10 PM
 
5,090 posts, read 13,548,911 times
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This thread give me much sadness. My parents, my siblings and I moved to Colorado, over time of about 35 to 25 years ago. I grew up in near Buffalo, New York. We had to leave as the rust belt was decaying with loss of jobs and increasing crime and decay in the city--the Buffalo area is even worse today. We are all still alive and still live in Colorado. Now we have husbands, wives, children, grandchildren. We live along the front range from Boulder to South of Denver.

It is a good choice for all of us. Colorado is a wonderful place to live. Denver is a great modern, clean, and progressive city. Occasionally we have our family squabble and disagreements, but we still see each other and help each other. It is like we all grew up in the same town and never left. We are very fortunate to have each other. It makes me sad to know others do not have the same family ties. I am not naive in that I know our next generation will more than likely disperse--it is the way of the modern times.

The ideal situation in life would be if we are born, raised in a town that we all love and no generation ever leaves. There are some families like that, who live together from one generation to another. I envy those families and the towns that nurture them.

Livecontent

Last edited by livecontent; 11-24-2009 at 09:23 PM..
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Old 11-25-2009, 05:41 AM
 
4,346 posts, read 6,058,509 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnKK View Post
When you move away from children you profess to be close to for the simple unrelated reason of "better weather"....well, I don't care how old they are, they are still children and feel that if you truly cared about them more than better weather then you would not have moved. I think we secretely move away because we don't want to be taken advantage of (they have no life so they can babysit all the time) and we don't want to be involved in their marital problems, or their financial problems and we probably don't really want to visit the grandkid in reform school. You can't have the "old life in the new living situation", so either visit them and stay in a hotel when you do, or make the new life work for you. Despite the fact they are your children....they are adult human beings with adult human being responses and needs. The world doesn't revolve around us....evidence as we age to support this conviction is all around us. God, I can't stand whiners.
Do you know how many retired people I know who've given up their dream to move back near their kids and then their kids move away for a better job? Screw that. Call me selfish but I believe a senior should live where they're happy. If family is nearby then this is a bonus. I'd no more give up my Florida lifestyle and move back to shoveling, scraping, dry winter skin, high fuel bills, static electricity, constant flus and colds, etc., etc., etc... to be near anyone! Bottom line, when the parents are happy then they are interesting and phone calls and visits become a joy instead of a chore.

And Lynnkk, you end your post with, "God I can't stand whiners," but it's you who are whining and denying retired parents their life. It's not all about you, ya know. Get over yourself.
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Old 11-26-2009, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Central Fl
2,903 posts, read 10,948,543 times
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Folks,
Let's try to post opinions without being rude or disrespectful.

I tend to agree more with Verobeach.

The lesson here to be learned is that BEFORE moving, one must honestly assess one's emotional ties with their loved ones to see if they can handle moving away.

That being said, we now live in a very mobile society. You can elect to stay to be close to your kids/grandkids, only to have them move due to jobs, etc. You can have more then one child, and have one move in one direction, and the other(s) move in the opposite direction. How would you choose? You can't uproot your life to follow your kids all over.

Also, kids are busy living their own lives, building a career, running their kids all over. The grandkids get busy in all sorts of activities, etc. Your involvement in those activities can vary.

While she makes some valid points, I disagree with LynnKK on a few points.

1) Many older folks need to move to a warmer climate for health reasons. Be very thankful if you do not relate to that.

2) Moving away for whatever reason and still wanting a relationship with kids does not constitute thinking "the world revolves around us". It also does not make us "whiners". I perceived those comments as being somewhat rude and off base.

I do plan on moving from my "blizzard Buffalo area" home to my Florida home in a few years for health reasons, among others.. Thankfully, my kids are excited and happy for us. They can visit us and we can visit them. Those visits will be special and memorable......quality time.

We have always loved our kids enough to be unselfish. We have encouraged them to go where they want, go where the job is, etc. They in turn know how much we prefer Florida, and want the same for us. In Florida, we are a half hour from Disney, so they now have a place to go.

As I said before, in this marvelous age of free long distance phone, internet, webcams, e-mails, texting, and the good old hand written letter, we are blessed. For travel, it is a 20 hour drive or a 2.5 hour flight. Last flight I bought was for $62.00 non-stop. We are blessed.

As for facebook, there are some things I do not like about it, but it is awesome to see pictures and videos posted of the family with just a click of the mouse. The kids like the postings and opinions we add. Just a quick check daily tells me what they are doing, how they feel, questions they have as well as their current interests and opinions. They in turn enjoy the "wisdom" of their "cool" Dad/Grandad. We are connected.

Carry on, and be respectful.

Frank
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Old 11-27-2009, 03:44 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,371 posts, read 9,865,001 times
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Sometimes parents can 'train' their kids not to call....what do I mean by that?

When my parents moved to Florida, they would make me wade through a five minute preamble of how they never hear from me, how long it had been since we last talked before we could have a regular conversation...lay a big guilt trip on me about what a bad daughter I was, pretty much....

Well, no surprise, it made me not want to call them at all.

So parents, don't guilt trip your kids when they call or write or email, just tell them how glad you are to hear from them. Maybe they'll want to contact you more often...

Guilt tripping is aversion therapy and makes one not want to repeat an action if one gets punished for doing so...

Anyone do this to your kids? Listen to yourself the next time your speak, write, text or email them...try some loving, positive re-inforcement instead. Just might work wonders...
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Old 11-27-2009, 06:23 PM
 
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LittleDolphin, I agree!!! But sometimes I have to sit and listen to my 34 y/o son bellyache. It's not just seniors who like to gripe. My 27 y/o niece thinks it's a bad day if she spills her coffee or breaks a nail.
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Old 11-27-2009, 07:29 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,371 posts, read 9,865,001 times
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Yes, sometimes we have to listen to one another griping, but that's okay, that's what loving friends do for one another..but the griping about how long it's been since last contact serves no purpose--on either side...retired folks can soon forget how time slips away if you're working, commuting and trying to keep a house and household from sliding into chaos...we need to be kind to one another...and loving...loving relationships without guilt and fault-finding...no perfect kids, no perfect parents, we just do the best we can...
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Old 11-28-2009, 01:26 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,697 posts, read 23,668,169 times
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One thing I would suggest that has been mentioned before: "Talk to your kids!" I posted how my family handled my moving 2000 miles away from them at holiday time. We compromised about the how, when and where. One thing I left out that was for the first few years I came back home every Thanksgiving. My family expected it and I thought I had to.

In the 4th year I was talking to my mom on the phone about making plans for Thanksgiving when I suddenly just broke down and started crying. That's not like me but when I thought of the high cost of plane tickets with put me in debt to the credit card company for months, the huge hassle at the airport, the fighting with my co-workers as to who could have the time off because everyone wanted it and just the general wear and tear of the situation, I lost it.

My mother asked what was wrong and I told her. She said she had no idea and that she was sorry she hadn't thought about the difficulties. I told her I felt I had to come back for Thanksgiving. She paused a bit and said she not if it meant I would have have to go through such a hassle. That's when we compromised and agreed that I would spend time with the family when it was quieter, cheaper and convenient for all.

The calendar should not dictate family gatherings. If one side is not cognizant of the other's situation, there will be hard feelings and resentment. The important thing is for everyone to have the opportunity to get together. If there is love and understanding in a family a specific date will not matter.
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Old 11-28-2009, 01:43 PM
 
Location: N. CA
127 posts, read 271,652 times
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It's so obvious that your children are upset because you moved away! You say you had a close relationship and babysat almost every weekend, then just up and moved because of weather (your words)? I'd be upset also! They probably think that you don't care that much about them or the grandchildren. If I were you I would move back and find a retirement community nearby, every state has them! Tell them you made a mistake, and how much you missed them! Otherwise I'm sorry but you're going to have to live with not speaking to them that much. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just seeing it from their point of view!
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Old 11-28-2009, 01:46 PM
 
Location: Central Fl
2,903 posts, read 10,948,543 times
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Some very good posts.

It is a good time of year to discuss this and reflect on things. In terms of holidays, we have always told our kids to make sure they start THEIR OWN traditions and not rely solely on ours. When our boys got married, I told them take the best ideas from both families and add some of your own new ones. That way, when we are gone or the extended family for whatever reasons cannot get together, they are not left with a void.

As the years go by, our kids will be the new patriarchs.....they will need their own traditions and make their own memories.

We think about this whole retirement thing quite a lot. Our plans are to move 1300 miles from our kids in a couple of years, so we are making good memories now. I suppose we will come north once or twice a year to see the kids/grandkids, or they will visit us........we'll see. Only time will tell.

The important thing is to foster good relationships NOW, so the transition will be founded on a solid, good relationship. I might add that it may be easier to get together during "off season", non-holiday times, so the added stress of holidays do not derail the visit.

Frank
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Old 11-28-2009, 01:51 PM
 
5,090 posts, read 13,548,911 times
Reputation: 6928
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
One thing I would suggest that has been mentioned before: "Talk to your kids!" I posted how my family handled my moving 2000 miles away from them at holiday time. We compromised about the how, when and where. One thing I left out that was for the first few years I came back home every Thanksgiving. My family expected it and I thought I had to.

In the 4th year I was talking to my mom on the phone about making plans for Thanksgiving when I suddenly just broke down and started crying. That's not like me but when I thought of the high cost of plane tickets with put me in debt to the credit card company for months, the huge hassle at the airport, the fighting with my co-workers as to who could have the time off because everyone wanted it and just the general wear and tear of the situation, I lost it.

My mother asked what was wrong and I told her. She said she had no idea and that she was sorry she hadn't thought about the difficulties. I told her I felt I had to come back for Thanksgiving. She paused a bit and said she not if it meant I would have have to go through such a hassle. That's when we compromised and agreed that I would spend time with the family when it was quieter, cheaper and convenient for all.

The calendar should not dictate family gatherings. If one side is not cognizant of the other's situation, there will be hard feelings and resentment. The important thing is for everyone to have the opportunity to get together. If there is love and understanding in a family a specific date will not matter.
I think this is a wonderful insightful post, especially the last paragraph--I cannot give you a rep.

I did write about my family, all living in the Denver area. Unfortunately the next day after I wrote that, my mother had a severe stroke, and is now in rehabilitative care and will need long term nursing care.

It has been a very hard event for my family and I to face, but it is much better that I have all my family close to share the burden and to give mutual support. For Thanksgiving, I sat by my mother's bed and gave thanks for the blessings of a family, that is nearby and immediately available.

Yes, you can talk about job opportunities; you can talk about a better place to retire; you can talk about different interests, but you can never substitute for the idea that Family is Everything.

Livecontent
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