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Old 11-28-2009, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Central Fl
2,903 posts, read 10,942,935 times
Reputation: 2860

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ms.rain View Post
It's so obvious that your children are upset because you moved away! You say you had a close relationship and babysat almost every weekend, then just up and moved because of weather (your words)? I'd be upset also! They probably think that you don't care that much about them or the grandchildren. If I were you I would move back and find a retirement community nearby, every state has them! Tell them you made a mistake, and how much you missed them! Otherwise I'm sorry but you're going to have to live with not speaking to them that much. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just seeing it from their point of view!
I respectfully disagree.

I believe one can have an excellent relationship with parents, kids, etc regardless of distance.

We enjoy babysitting our grandaughter, (and our kids dogs also), but it should not be an expected or deserved thing, and we would not and should not feel guilty of we could not.

As stated before, many times it is not just "the weather", but how the weather impacts ones health, etc. Every situation is different, but true love means wanting the best for those we love, and is NOT selfish or self serving.

We raised our 3 boys on our own, without free babysitting, etc. I owe my kids my undying love and encouragement and wisdom when asked for......nothing more. Everything else we choose to do is icing on the cake, given out of love, not guilt or pressure......for that would wrong and selfishly unloving on their part.

Frank
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Old 11-28-2009, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Florida
418 posts, read 948,097 times
Reputation: 316
This is exactly what happened to us. Retired to Fl. 10 years ago and the first year or so we had the same " problem " with our 4 kids. We think they resented us for leaving them. Time will fix the " problem " We now hear from them all the time especially on Holidays and birthdays and of course we remember them on Holidays and Birthdays even the Grandchildren call. Facebook did help and still does.
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Old 11-28-2009, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Central Fl
2,903 posts, read 10,942,935 times
Reputation: 2860
Quote:
Originally Posted by John Buettner View Post
This is exactly what happened to us. Retired to Fl. 10 years ago and the first year or so we had the same " problem " with our 4 kids. We think they resented us for leaving them. Time will fix the " problem " We now hear from them all the time especially on Holidays and birthdays and of course we remember them on Holidays and Birthdays even the Grandchildren call. Facebook did help and still does.
Very good!

Perhaps it is easier for us because we have already bought our home down there and go there for a month at a time twice a year. (I'm still working). All of our kids are happy for us. They now know they have a warm place to visit close to many attractions like Disney, etc.

All want to soon or have already visited us down there and think it is great for us. It is all healthy and good, as it should be. Since both homes are already furnished of course, when we do move, the kids will get a lot of great stuff from us....

Frank
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Old 11-28-2009, 04:21 PM
 
Location: South Coast of Nebraska
252 posts, read 635,511 times
Reputation: 177
Well....I have lots of thoughts on this subject. Some observations of in-laws and siblings, best I keep my mouth shut.

When my Mom was 75, she missed my Dad, terribly, after his passing. I was proud of her for buying snowbird property in AZ, on her own, and packing up the car and moving on down there, lonely I'm sure. I missed her and cried to drive by that empty, dark house, but in a short time, I found it stress free to not have to respond to her "old" style of church going and relative-visiting. She was entertaining herself and I was free. Plus, I had a fun place to visit. Finally, she didn't want to come "home" for Christmas because the Great Grandkids wore her out and she preferred the company of her new, card-playing friends.

We talked at least once a week and I went down, there, at least twice a year, and had a great time.

One more thing: The worst thing my Mom ever said to me was that my 1963 ratted, hairsprayed hair looked like somethinhg dead on my head. Never forgot it. But, we kids broke her heart, brought home loser boyfriends, divorced, died and challenged "church" and let her worry and worry. But that was the meanest thing she ever said. Maybe that's why we still talk--though these days, she's not sure who I am.....
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Old 12-01-2009, 05:23 AM
 
232 posts, read 240,821 times
Reputation: 136
I have to agree with all those who said you moved away and your childrens life went on. I learned from watching my elders that just doesn't work for many. The older you get the closer you need to live near your children. My elderly MIL lives in another state a distance away. She expects us to visit her a couple times a year preferrably more and for every emergency and to call once a day at least. She can't understand we are paying college bills and mortages we can't afford the air fare twice a year plus she expects us to entertain her which is more money. It also means the only vacation we will ever have until she dies is with her. She thought of herself when she moved away and she is still thinking of herself... make it easy for your kids to see you if you want them to spend time with you.

We have friends parents who moved two hours away from their children. At first they couldn't understand why no one came to visit they bought a beautiful house by a lake with a pool. Then they realized their children have their own lives to live so they packed up sold that house and moved closer to their children. Now they see their children and grandchildren. I know for myself as much as I would like to move to a warmer climate, cheaper area, less crowded place. I will always need to live by one of my children. If they move away that is fine that is their choice they are young I will move as well. What good is life without family. Go back home before you are to old to make a change and enjoy your family.
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Old 12-01-2009, 05:39 AM
 
4,343 posts, read 6,054,558 times
Reputation: 10428
Quote:
Originally Posted by canear View Post
I will always need to live by one of my children. If they move away that is fine that is their choice they are young I will move as well. What good is life without family. Go back home before you are to old to make a change and enjoy your family.
Soooooo.... this is your retirement goal? To follow your child and his/her family across America? Your future d-i-l/s-i-l is just so lucky.

Our son is in sales. He travels the US for business and when he comes home, he puts his own family first, as it should be. We brought him up this way and we knew our place was to move into the background once he built his own family. We're rewarded with lengthy phone calls, pics of the kids, and in the summer we rent a nearby cottage for a month so we can see the kids. We live 1400 miles away and we respect each other as well as love each other. We have our space and he has his space. It works.
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Old 12-01-2009, 11:48 AM
 
232 posts, read 240,821 times
Reputation: 136
Veobeach is that your goal to vacation by your children every vacation. My children put their family first just as we did when they lived with us. We know our place we live 20 minutes away from one and two hours from the other. Yes if the one moves I will move closer to one of my children when I retire and for sure if my spouse dies. I saw what happens to the famiy when a elderly parent does not live near one of their children. It ruins your childrens life. We visit our MIL twice a year that is our vacation. Everytime she is sick the phone calls start and she wants us down there. Hard to know when it is serious and we are truly needed or when she is lonely and just scared. When she is lonely if she was even a couple of hours away you could go for the weekend or even the day but a flight away no way. In my family we have our space they have their space I'm looking to make it as easy as possible for my children. I saw what it does to the family in many cases to not want to be a burden to my children. I can respect their space and they can respect my space without having to live 1500 miles apart. To each their own.
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Old 12-01-2009, 03:19 PM
 
4,343 posts, read 6,054,558 times
Reputation: 10428
Quote:
Originally Posted by canear View Post
Veobeach is that your goal to vacation by your children every vacation.
To answer your question, nope. We spent a month near them last summer but also managed a nice vacation to the Pacific Northwest and this year, Europe. When we vacation near them, we also see old friends and other family members as we used to live there ourselves. We're living our lives and they're living their's. Works for us.
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Old 12-01-2009, 04:25 PM
 
1,627 posts, read 2,734,807 times
Reputation: 2056
I been lurking and thinking to myself since I have no family, no kids, I do not miss what I don't have. However; I have to .. bud in. Some of the posters were saying it is your fault for leaving your kids, so they feel it is okay to ignore you? Bad manners on their part. I apologize but if they do not talk to you often on account you moved away, what does that tell you about your kids? Sounds like a selfish motivation to me.
Try to find other interests and maybe adopt someone else's kids and grandkids,.you know just a family who could use someone to love them. Many out there.

I have no family, it is just my husband and I. We make due. Try to stay upbeat and positive. I know you miss your kids and grandkids, as I am sure they miss you but if things get too horribly bad for you, you can always move back and if not, hope things get better for you.
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Old 12-01-2009, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Sunshine N'Blue Skies
13,320 posts, read 20,137,343 times
Reputation: 11645
Quote:
Originally Posted by canear View Post
Veobeach is that your goal to vacation by your children every vacation. My children put their family first just as we did when they lived with us. We know our place we live 20 minutes away from one and two hours from the other. Yes if the one moves I will move closer to one of my children when I retire and for sure if my spouse dies. I saw what happens to the famiy when a elderly parent does not live near one of their children. It ruins your childrens life. We visit our MIL twice a year that is our vacation. Everytime she is sick the phone calls start and she wants us down there. Hard to know when it is serious and we are truly needed or when she is lonely and just scared. When she is lonely if she was even a couple of hours away you could go for the weekend or even the day but a flight away no way. In my family we have our space they have their space I'm looking to make it as easy as possible for my children. I saw what it does to the family in many cases to not want to be a burden to my children. I can respect their space and they can respect my space without having to live 1500 miles apart. To each their own.
Funny, my children are about that distance also.
I could never go south permanently. I saw how much my Dad, MIL, and my own Mom needed me in their final hours and months/days on this earth. I couldn't imagine them having been able to handle the stress and needs of those times. We had trips for oxygen tanks, classes with my Mom on how to do shots.....Doctor visits. My MIL needed us just for comfort and to chat.....That family needed us for a shoulder to cry on. I was with these important people in my life during their passing. To have been miles away would have left me heartbroken. Being there made my own soul feel good, complete, and right.
Our family now is very close...........but, I don't want to be close just with Facebook or Emails. I want to be here for soccer games, school plays, and trips to the doctors when perhaps their Mom or dad are sick themselves.
I want to take the little fellows to fairs and festivals, to train meets, and history areas. I want to be a part of their lives.
For health reasons we take 3 months to go south in the winters. In the beginning it was different and felt strange to us all.......Now, everyone is use to it. Even then I had to fly home to a very big emergency one winter, to Atlanta and up to New York. Later we would find out the situation was a "ticking time bomb".......The mother and baby could have easily lost their life.
Life to me is family..........My needs are secondary to the love of family.
My calendar is booked with family days and family needs.........
My bonding time with all the little fellows. ( who are already asking when we will be going back to Lancaster.)
Everyone makes their own choices. Some can move away quite easily........
Some try, and return......... I know my limits already.
A permanent move would never be in the cards. No use being far away, nice and warm... but with a broken heart.
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