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Old 12-02-2009, 10:11 AM
 
Location: Oxygen Ln. AZ
9,321 posts, read 16,585,961 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
I just had a refreshing conversation with my aunt and her husband about their retirement options - he is 85, she is 84 - and right now, in fairly good health and they have their wits about them. They are looking at retirement villages where there are many options and they wanted to know what I thought. I think it's a great idea and realistic. They are looking forward to being around more people and about the many activities offered (for example - they love to dance).

We had a nice chat. I got to thinking about my FIL, now age 87. He lives alone but we have to check on him every other day at least if not more - he lives an hour from us - we are trying to get him to move closer to us (single family home) and he's at about 60% there. However, after talking to my aunt, I think the retirement village concept might be more appealing to him b/c of the activities.

Anyone been there where a parent didn't want to leave their home but when they did, they were glad? Right now, he's leaning toward the single family home but maybe if we showed him some, he would like them (especially if he saw some women his age who love to dance!)

This is kind of lying in my lap - my husband wants me to handle it. I'm in the middle
Would it be possible to rent his home and move him in with you or find a little place close to you? If you rent his home, he feels he still owns it. I feel for you, my mom is 94 and very stubborn as well. She no longer loves the assisted living place and wants, rather demands, to return home with us.
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Old 12-02-2009, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,176 posts, read 8,699,926 times
Reputation: 6199
Smile Renting out present home

The area where he lives is starting to decline. I feel this is the time to sell; my husband agrees. There are more renters coming in - like 10 to a home and some homes are not well kept.

In all fairness, his home needs "mega work" - at one point, my husband was fine with him living with us and now is against it. He would own the home that would be closer to us.

We would try to do a swap - buy one low; fix his up and sell it - hopefully, around the same price. He would be within walking distance to us and in a much safer area.
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Old 12-02-2009, 04:52 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,176 posts, read 8,699,926 times
Reputation: 6199
Smile Anyone have parents who ended up happier?

My mom didn't want to go to this Wellness Center; she now goes 3 days a week; can't wait to go. Two years ago, I tried to get her to go; she had to go through her things.

My husband just noticed his dad's car (the bumper and part of the hood) is wrecked a bit. We asked him about it; said "I didn't hit anything; I'm a great driver" - oh, brother, another thing to worry about.
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Sunshine N'Blue Skies
13,320 posts, read 20,147,455 times
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Yes, for sure..........move him close to you and you'll be able to keep an eye on him. Driving, doctors appts, holidays......dinner times.........It will be easier for all of you.
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Old 12-03-2009, 06:13 AM
 
Location: Sunshine N'Blue Skies
13,320 posts, read 20,147,455 times
Reputation: 11645
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
The area where he lives is starting to decline. I feel this is the time to sell; my husband agrees. There are more renters coming in - like 10 to a home and some homes are not well kept.

In all fairness, his home needs "mega work" - at one point, my husband was fine with him living with us and now is against it. He would own the home that would be closer to us.

We would try to do a swap - buy one low; fix his up and sell it - hopefully, around the same price. He would be within walking distance to us and in a much safer area.
I love this idea. It sounds like he really needs you both. FYI.......My Mom and Dad liked their own single home. No rules, no restrictions on running the trains in the basement.... Neighbors at a distance..........To each his own. But, your Dad sounds kinda the same as my parents were......It sure sounds like he could use you closeby.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,176 posts, read 8,699,926 times
Reputation: 6199
Smile Driving distance

Yes, instead of driving 1 hour to see him, a few hours with him and then driving back (1 hour) which is impacting our lives and our financial lives as well, my husband (and I and our kids) could really spend some quality time with him rather than car drive time.

That's my goal - say a prayer for me in this - I just know he would be happier, his son would be happier and that in itself, would make me happier. You know, the trickle down effect!!

I just hope this one house becomes available.
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Old 12-08-2009, 08:09 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,176 posts, read 8,699,926 times
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Smile Update - I just give up!

OK, the house became available, showed it to him, he seemed to like it, then after taking him to lunch and a movie, he changed his mind. Wants to stay where he is.

Then, I find out the next day from a relative up north, he had a scare with an attempted break-in. Now, he locks all the doors but is scared. That worries me.

He won't pick up the phone if anyone calls except my husband. (He wants my husband to drop everything and come down there, I guess). My husband was irritated about the whole thing tonight and said "I will call my dad when I feel like it, OK?"

In my mind, I thought, OK, and that will be, ugh, never b/c work comes first and usually, there's nothing else other than some volunteering. So, I just give up. I have tried, believe me, and I'm done.
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Old 12-09-2009, 08:23 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,497,588 times
Reputation: 29076
My MIL was like your FIL; stubborn and demanding. She needed to be in assisted living but insisted in staying in her home with expensive in-home. Eventually my wife, her only child, had to take over her finances and manage them for her. When she died earlier this year she was within three months of being destitute. We had no idea what we were going to do with her if she'd lived so she actually did us a favor by assuming room temperature.

It's a real balancing act juggling your needs and right to a life with their wants and unrealistic expectations. Whatever you do, don't short-change yourselves to the point of it interfering with your quality of life and your relationship.

The final irony was that much against her husband's and my wife's father's wishes and plans (he'd died some years earlier), and despite all my wife did for her when she became frail and needy, MIL wrote her out of her will effectively disowning her! Oh, well!
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Old 12-09-2009, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
34,692 posts, read 33,704,884 times
Reputation: 51921
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
I just had a refreshing conversation with my aunt and her husband about their retirement options - he is 85, she is 84 - and right now, in fairly good health and they have their wits about them. They are looking at retirement villages where there are many options and they wanted to know what I thought. I think it's a great idea and realistic. They are looking forward to being around more people and about the many activities offered (for example - they love to dance).

We had a nice chat. I got to thinking about my FIL, now age 87. He lives alone but we have to check on him every other day at least if not more - he lives an hour from us - we are trying to get him to move closer to us (single family home) and he's at about 60% there. However, after talking to my aunt, I think the retirement village concept might be more appealing to him b/c of the activities.

Anyone been there where a parent didn't want to leave their home but when they did, they were glad? Right now, he's leaning toward the single family home but maybe if we showed him some, he would like them (especially if he saw some women his age who love to dance!)


This is kind of lying in my lap - my husband wants me to handle it. I'm in the middle
There was a woman who lived in my apartment complex. She was 90 years old. All of her life she was an independent woman who had run her own businesses and was athletically inclined (swimming coach). She lived in a neighboring city where she had many friends but because of her age and because she could no longer drive, her doctor son/nephew (can't remember which) insisted on moving her closer to him and his family in my town after a younger relative that lived near to her, died. I'm guessing to make the errand running easier on them. But while my apartment complex is very nice, it's not a 55+ complex. Because her friends were elderly, too, they could not drive to her new home so she didn't see them anymore. She walked with a walker but she was intelligent and sound of mind, had a great personality and loved to talk. She needed to be with people her age or thereabouts. I don't know why they did this to her. They should have left her with her friends and hired someone to take her shopping and check in on her or they should have put her in some kind of semi-assisted living facility where she'd have people around her. She was lonely. We have a senior center just down the road but it may as well have been 20 miles away.
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Old 12-09-2009, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,176 posts, read 8,699,926 times
Reputation: 6199
Smile A little more...

Laura C - Thanks for that story. We WANT him to be with others his own age. He is lonely. He has no real friends. He goes "dancing" to The Polish Club, The German Club and thinks these 31 year old women have the hots for him. There are not many elderly in his neighborhood. When he moved 28 years ago, he and his wife were the oldest (60 and 54). Most of the families moving in then were young and starting their families. That same group are starting to move out if they haven't already.

Where we live, there is tons for seniors to do. More transportation, everything you name it.

His home is disgusting. We feel he's not taking showers now. My sister told me he stunk when she saw him. He will NEVER have in-home help - won't spend a dime on that.

(I got cleaners in there when he was in the hospital but there is so much to be done - part is just dirty, part is hoarderville, part is outdated and gross).

The only one he'll listen to is my husband and he's not being firm enough. I ask my husband to call him or I'll call and want him to pick up. No way, I'm too busy, I'm in the middle of something, blah blah. (my husband)

I would love to see him in a place with others but he says now he doesn't want to move.

I have always handled this kind of stuff but I don't like to nag esp my usually kind husband who is equally frustrated and probably just fearful of standing up to his dad. (I personally believe his dad wants his son - my husband - to be strong and sometimes tell him what to do).

Six years ago, he needed a car. His car was 25 years old. Dilapidated to say to least. They went to a dealership. My husband said "write a check, you have it" - he did and he constantly talks about how he loves the car.

Oh well. I still worry about him.
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