Realistic retirement vs (stubborn) independence

[Bette]

Originally Posted by Curmudgeon

My MIL was like your FIL; stubborn and demanding. She needed to be in assisted living but insisted in staying in her home with expensive in-home. Eventually my wife, her only child, had to take over her finances and manage them for her. When she died earlier this year she was within three months of being destitute. We had no idea what we were going to do with her if she'd lived so she actually did us a favor by assuming room temperature.

It's a real balancing act juggling your needs and right to a life with their wants and unrealistic expectations. Whatever you do, don't short-change yourselves to the point of it interfering with your quality of life and your relationship.

The final irony was that much against her husband's and my wife's father's wishes and plans (he'd died some years earlier), and despite all my wife did for her when she became frail and needy, MIL wrote her out of her will effectively disowning her! Oh, well!

My FIL wouldn't even use in-home care. That costs money. My husband is joint on all his accounts and on the title of his home. Hopefully, that will be there when the time comes.

[Curmudgeon]

Originally Posted by Bette

My FIL wouldn't even use in-home care. That costs money. My husband is joint on all his accounts and on the title of his home. Hopefully, that will be there when the time comes.

Bette, it's lovely of you to be so caring but it's ultimately your husband's responsibility, not yours. It truly sounds as if he needs to "man up" where his father is concerned or eventually, this situation could drive a wedge between you.

My wife kept her mother fully informed of her financial situation all along. After I came up with a realistic forecast that she only had about six months of funding capability left for in-home care if she continued to insist that it be 24/7 (so she wouldn't be lonely), my wife told her point-blank that at the end of that six months there would be no choice but to have Adult Protective Services come and place her in a nursing home. The woman still refused to cut back on expenses or move into assisted living.

It's a thorny issue, to say the least!

[Bette]

I've known my husband for almost 30 years (yikes!) and been married for 26. We have 2 children. I've always been the one to set everything up, make it work and all that.

I understand the dynamics of the situation - my MIL was a saint (RIP) and she suffered with Alzheimers for 8 years. My FIL was not treated well as a child and of course, he was very mean to my husband during my husband's formative years.
(When my husband was 13 and all the other kids were getting bikes, he gave his son a whistle he got from a gumball machine for Christmas). His dad was more of a bully then and now is quite passive. (My husband is a sweetheart - his dad doesn't realize what a wonderful son he has).

I've never had problems dealing with him - I just tell him what the deal is.
Until he fell this past April, we had no thoughts of him being closer to us in distance. After that happened, relatives (from up north) told us he wanted to be closer to us and all that.

I can see my husband getting exhausted, working our regular 70 plus weeks plus having to spend another 25 hours (at least) with him - it's draining to say the least and tax season is just weeks away.

We cannot travel to where we want to go for a week b/c of his dad. No one can step in for us and he refuses all in-home care.

On the other hand, I have a large extended family and we are very communicative with each other. Totally help each other out all the time. And, in my family, my mom has Alzheimers now - but we're all working together on it, so it's not just shared by one