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A person to contact in case of emergency does not have to be related to you. A good friend is worth more than a distant uncaring family member. Wherever you retire, visit churches, senior centers and clubs (VFW, American Legion, Elks, etc.) and establish friendships. Once you find that one special person you feel you can trust, ask them if they would mind being your contact person in case of emergency. If they agree, then visit a lawyer and have legal documents drawn up naming that individual as your medical power of attorney and/or financial power of attorney so that distant relatives cannot override their decisions.
I would suggest renting in a chosen location for a year before making it permanent. If the desired relationships don't happen and/or you find you do not like the area after all, you would be free to move on to another location. Only make it permanent when you have found the location that meets your needs and desires.
I envy the person who is free to roam the country in an RV. Many singles do that. There are groups for such. Loners on Wheels (LOW), or the Wandering Individuals Network (WIN). They often travel in groups, helping each other out, doing things together, etc. Check into that if it interests you. They have websites.
A person to contact in case of emergency does not have to be related to you. A good friend is worth more than a distant uncaring family member. Wherever you retire, visit churches, senior centers and clubs (VFW, American Legion, Elks, etc.) and establish friendships. Once you find that one special person you feel you can trust, ask them if they would mind being your contact person in case of emergency. If they agree, then visit a lawyer and have legal documents drawn up naming that individual as your medical power of attorney and/or financial power of attorney so that distant relatives cannot override their decisions.
I would suggest renting in a chosen location for a year before making it permanent. If the desired relationships don't happen and/or you find you do not like the area after all, you would be free to move on to another location. Only make it permanent when you have found the location that meets your needs and desires.
I envy the person who is free to roam the country in an RV. Many singles do that. There are groups for such. Loners on Wheels (LOW), or the Wandering Individuals Network (WIN). They often travel in groups, helping each other out, doing things together, etc. Check into that if it interests you. They have websites.
Thank you for the info and recommendations. It is very useful and very helpful. I agree always rent until one is sure of their new location.
All my family lives on the east coast and i live in portland, oregon. Im 60 now and go back and forth in my mind about retiring closer to my siblings. I have 4 all younger but not by extreme ages. Both my parents died 6 and 7 years ago. That is the extent of my family in this country. I am first generation american and had no children.
I visit massachusetts every year send xmas and birthday cards. Send emails and make phone calls. Its aways me that initiates the contact. I rarely have gotten a contact from them and accept the fact they have families and are younger than me. Basically they are busy and thats how it is. When i visit it goes well and there are no signs i should not return, but i never hear from them. Ever. I just try to accept the fact that is how they seem to be. Somewhat distant but it is not my personality trait.
I find myself now facing the reality it is not in my best interest to retire closer. My instincts tell me that is the deck of cards i drew, and it would be the same even if i was closer. I could visit easier and more often, but it would be just that. I would always have to be the vistor and never be contacted after the visit. Its not that we are at odds with one another just not terribly close. I assume because we are much different in personalities.
I have had difficulty deciding where to retire. Before it was my parents were sick and needed help in thier last days so i wanted to be closer. I stayed with them in thier last months unitl their deaths. Now it is me that is worried about being alone, as i get older with no family support. My idea of family support really isn't muct to ask for. Someone to notify if something went wrong. Not living arrangements or finacial assistance. Just the phone call so some family member knows im alive. Or if i was in the hospital and needed to list a family member nearby. Things i don't have here in oregon.
Im guessing this stress has been adding to the difficulty of finding a retirement locale. That feeling i must retire within range of family members. Now i think it is best to face reality. I should retire in a location that pleases me, and not because i have to be closer to family. Even if that means i have to face the reality that i am someone that does not seem to have family support. I think i have faced up to it now, and it will make finding a retirement location much easier on me now. I want to retire in a more pleasant climate and a more practical location than portland.
How do others deal with this or has anyone had to? Face the fact you are just not going to have family members in your life as you get older. I feel i am someone that is strong enough to deal with it. I also think i have to make the right choice though, and retire in an area with some sort of support system. Which would be made up of strangers that hopefully become friends. A very conservative group of strangers i don't think would work though. I think i will find my needs though.
It feels good when we make a decision after struggling with it for so long.
I sympathize with your predicament. You've lived apart from your nominal family for so long that you're not a big part of their lives, and it makes sense to accept that. You can't assume that would change if you move closer. I have family members who live close to me with the same situation.
You need to create a circle for yourself of people with common interests in the area where you live, rather than move to other people.
I envy the person who is free to roam the country in an RV. Many singles do that. There are groups for such. Loners on Wheels (LOW), or the Wandering Individuals Network (WIN). They often travel in groups, helping each other out, doing things together, etc. Check into that if it interests you. They have websites.
RVers, for the most part, are friendly and very helpful. There are RV parks where you can work, in exchange for staying at the facility. It's a great way to travel and see the country, and would enable you to find your retirement home without limiting yourself to a specific area.
Right now prices for RVs are way down and you can find some outstanding deals. Since you are single you wouldn't need a huge one and there are some beautiful little trailers out.
We have an RV and it has been a great means for us to travel, take our dog, get away from the winter for a change in scenery and see the country. It might be something for you to consider.
Your "family" doesn't necessarily have to be related by blood. Your "family" is whomever cares for you.
I too am single living far away from my siblings. While we are not close, we still love each other and greatly enjoy our get togethers. One thing I have noticed among adult siblings is the old expectations of our placement and roles linger on and on after they are no longer germaine. The op appears to be the eldest and resents that his sibs do not initiate contact. We have a bit of the same thing. We still look my oldest brother to be our leader in our family dealings. He's pretty good at it but doesn't necessarily want the role. I think the right attitude is to love and care about them but just enjoy the the times we can spend even if they are few.
Groups need an initiator to do anything. I bet your sibs just look to you to fill that role ... because you always have. It doesn't mean they don't love you. They probably wish you would do it more. If the. Initiator role isn't yours, it is much harder to do and you look to your initiator to take action. It is just human nature.
Now that I'm retired, I'm trying to do more of the initiator role. It is hard for me to step into it for my family eventho I did that all the time in my career. I'm the 2nd to youngest and this role was never done within my family so it is a lot harder for me to do it. I get nothing but gladness that I'm trying from my relatives.
When it comes to reliance for health directives. And power of attorney, trust plays much more than relation. I wouldn't trust some of my relatives but might others. A good friend might be better. Some hire a lawyer to do this.
I think I plan on some sort of assisted retirement community if I get feeble but I would rather live where I like & go for visits until I no longer can. I hope to have a good 15 - 20 years before I have to have more help. Maybe longer. I'm toying with the rv idea too. Sudden death is a risk. But in the end most people end up dying alone anyway. Id rather just enjoy life while I have it. I'll initiate my contacts with my kin and not worry about whether it is always me who does so. Friends need to like me but relatives have to take me in, right?
Families are strange things. The baggage of the past is often very heavy. Tsaje is right to bring up the subject of the various roles, or positions, that people occupy within a family. Some people can modify their relationships with others as they grow older (and perhaps mellower) and some cannot. In some people, the sense of family, and its importance, is very strong; in others, it is almost entirely absent. Perhaps this is the case with the OP and his siblings? He has a strong sense of family and they do not? If so, not much he can do about it. Accept it, interact with them as you can, and go on down the road.
When my family lived in the same city we were never close. I moved to Portland OR in the late 70's my younger sister moved to Toronto in the mid-80's and my older sister moved to Los Angeles about ten years ago.
Back in 2004 I was in crisis mode. I was out of work and had used the last of my savings to pay the rent. It was not my sisters who offered to help me financially or give me a place to stay and they both lived in large places. They politely ignored my plight. The elephant in the room. When we communicated via email or telephone I would tell them of my search for work progress or lack thereof and the response would be "That's too bad, things will get better, blah, blah, blah."
My friends on the other hand offered a place to stay for the cat and me and even to help me financially until I got back on my feet. To this day, I have a few good friends who I can count on in an emergency. For example I was really sick a couple of weeks ago. They checked up on me, offered to drive me to the doctor and literally made me chicken soup. Even when I lived in the same town as my sisters they never did that. I always offered to help them out when they where in a difficult situation but they had husbands and kids to fill that role. I didn't.
I remember during one horrible Chicago snow storm that lasted forever I called my sisters to see how they were doing since the roads were a mess and it was difficult to get to the grocery store. Not that I could have helped them but I was concerned. They were doing fine. They never called to see how I was doing or if they could help me out. Even my ex-husband was concerned about my safety and called to see if there was anything he could do to help.
Part of this insensitivity comes from the fact that my sisters were married and had someone to share the problems. They can never envision that people living alone can sometimes be in a position to need help. Asking never did much good either. Then I became the "poor unmarried relation" who was going to be a burden in her old age. Although they never came out and stated that to me, it was not only implied but one of my cousins once pointed out to me that my sisters had mentioned this to him.
I have to say I am very self sufficient. I pride myself in rarely having to call on others to help me out. Usually if they see there is a problem they offer and vice versa. Friends accept me for what and who I am. When I visit my sisters (they never visit me) they criticize my weight gain which is due to the meds I have to take and can't be helped, my hairdo and my lack of stylish clothes. I don't visit very often anymore.
I know as I get older, I will probably need more of a network of "helpers." So will my single friends. I know I cannot depend upon my sisters so as I reach out to help others, I know the favors will be returned by these friends rather than my family which is just either too oblivious or uncaring to give a damn.
Sorry for the long-winded response, as you can tell, this is not a happy subject for me. What I actually wanted to do was address the OP's question of whether or not to move long distance from family. My advice is it depends on the family. In my case, I would rather live where I choose and develop a network of good friends who are better than family.
Minervah - I remember you telling me this story when you were in Mpls last year. How incredibly awful and sad. As you were telling me I realized that if I were in the same situation, my brother, because of his wife, would react the same way.
Many years ago my brother made a comment at a family gathering that I would have to come and live with them one day - I was recently divorced and I guess he thought that was it for me. I was like eeewwwwww I couldn't imagine anything more awful and I still can't. I've always been independant, even when I was married, and I don't see that changing any time soon. The only way they would offer that now is if they thought there was something in it for them - well, there isn't and won't be.
There are a lot of people out there that are in the same boat - which isn't all that bad (IMO). Even those that may be married today may find themselves there at some time. I have so many friends with kids that rarely see them so that isn't always the answer either.
I really commend you for getting through that period and persevering!! Not everyone could do it - I wonder if I could
For those of you that have wonderful, close families - I am so envious of that. I really thought that was the norm - I'm finding out more and more that it isn't.
I have an old buddy in town and although we have had many long talks in the past, this weekend she really surpried me. She comes from a hugh Irish Catholic family (10 kids) and I always assumed that she had this fantastic family. Well, that isn't the case at all, in fact, just the opposite, which is why she's staying with me instead of one of her siblings. How funny - after all these years that we played hard together, we find out years and years later that we have this "thing" in common.
So, you build your own family, one that you pick. Life is good!
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. I was like eeewwwwww
I couldn't imagine anything more awful and I still can't. I've always been independant, even when I was married, and I don't see that changing any time soon. The only way they would offer that now is if they thought there was something in it for them - well, there isn't and won't be.
