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I grew up in the SF Bay Area, then at one point, moved to a small mountain town in WA state of about 200 people. Total culture shock. I married a guy from there, moved away, but because we had a child together (we did get married and divorced), I ended up moving back to that small town so my daughter could have both her mom and dad around.
When I moved back, I literally was sobbing as I drove up the highway to that small town.
I hate living in a fishbowl. My life was never in any way exciting or secretive, but still, I like my privacy. I don't like going to the grocery store and being asked why so and so's truck was parked at my property yesterday.
What I found for the single people in that area did, was they did their socializing and bar hopping or just went out dancing, etc., in the big city a couple hours away (Portland). That's how they kept their socializing/dating private. That would be my biggest advice to you.
And otherwise, I think what you are doing is perfect, as far as not being fun to gossip with. You weren't rude, but you didn't make it "fun" for the person who wanted to gossip about the new guy in town.
When I watched some of the small town people who were able to keep to themselves to a reasonable degree, this is how they handled it - just like you did. They would be nice, but in a hurry. They would be pleasant, but not engage in gossip. I was very impressed with how they didn't get a reputation for being jerks, but they also were not "approachable" for petty gossip or drama. I always felt like they were the "grown-ups" or were the "mature" ones. They had great boundaries. They could be the poster people for how to set boundaries lol!
So, really, I think you are doing just fine. I would just encourage you to get out to your closest big city away from your small town.
Another thing to think of, I don't know if your work would fit in, but there are smaller "big" towns, that don't have the traffic and craziness, but are big enough to offer some anonymity. For instance, the town I live in has about 90,000 people. It's big enough that I never run into anyone I know when I go shopping. But, it's small enough that you can get into the DMV or the social security office within one day, and there's no traffic to speak of. So, maybe a bigger small town would work?
Best wishes to you. I am really happy in my big small town now. For me, this size town is just right. I moved here from the SF Bay Area, which was way to big for me. Redding is just right - size wise.
Number one focus should be to get a job. Period. Number two focus? See Number One focus.
Nothing else matters.
As to the city vs small town argument, at your age, this is not relevant. Putting food on the table and a roof over your head is primary.
Wrong. The idea of sticking to the lowest levels' needs is totally completely wrong. Food and shelter are our basic needs, but we are humans and just simply have to have desire for something bigger.
OP, I would try to cut my expenses and find at least partially satisfying job, maybe PT, in the city, rather then going for a little better position to live in the hole in the middle of nowhere. Cities are for young, who aren't afraid of challenge. You'll have time to enjoy rural setting after you'll say to yourself "my ambitions are behind me."
There are tons of ways to save money in the city. Get rid of your car, and you'll have at least $600/mo extra. It means, food for two. Think about it.
OK, um, guys, I appreciate the replies, but I don't think people are reading my post. I'm currently unemployed and AM looking for jobs. Because of my profession, I do have to look in small towns, which I did say I was doing rather than just saying "guess I'll move to a big city and be unemployed there!" That being said, I'm feeling a lot of angst about it because I'm not a small town person but I'm being forced into a small town community when I'm not ready for it and was looking for advice on how to deal with it.
You're in a tough spot...your only employment options are small town related..and though you're a self-professed loner, you'd like the possibility of being around people your age and have things to do (though you may not want to do them). It's all about options, yes?
You like the nature part and the birds singing in the morning. Any weekend recreation opportunities..kayaking, canoeing, hiking, camping?
Ideas...do you cycle? Could you form a little cycling group?
Can you get away on weekends to another town that's larger? Even camping so its economical (after you get a job, of course).
Is there anything you could do with your vocation (further training/education) that would bump up the hiring possibilites in a larger venue for you?
Otherwise, it sounds as though you have to find contentment in your next small town. Can you use the down time to take coursework on line?
Learn to meditate, discover Buddhism that may help bring you contentment...
OK, um, guys, I appreciate the replies, but I don't think people are reading my post. I'm currently unemployed and AM looking for jobs. Because of my profession, I do have to look in small towns, which I did say I was doing rather than just saying "guess I'll move to a big city and be unemployed there!" That being said, I'm feeling a lot of angst about it because I'm not a small town person but I'm being forced into a small town community when I'm not ready for it and was looking for advice on how to deal with it.
So, you want to know how to be a different person? Sounds like you need a new profession.
How you deal with it, is you figure out how not to have to do it anymore. Go back to school and learn a new profession you can do somewhere you want to live.
Spend your time figuring out how to change the mystery requirement for you to live in small towns.
I have no problem with actually living here, although I'm viewed as an "outsider." As I said, I'm a loner, so I have no real need to "become accepted." My neighbors think I'm a nice neighbor, people wave at me, I respect them and they respect me, but that's about it. I'm not really talking about "tell me how to become part of the community," it's more like "tell me how to accept living there." I think it takes a particular mindset to live in a small town. Meaning, I don't do anything that I wouldn't do in a big city - I often just sit at home, watch some TV, read, that kind of thing. But for some reason, it's different when you look out the window and there are no cars, no people, no streetlights (honest!), and it's just quiet. It's nice to not be bothered and it's cool in the mornings when all you hear are birds chirping and sometimes some deer will run past, but for me that doesn't trump having only one tiny grocery store with no produce and not seeing anyone my age anywhere.
Like the others have said, first is find your next job. Or, if you have a skill set that would be worth starting your own business,---often in small towns there is more affordable opportunities and the bankers are often friendlier---start your own.
This would keep you involved with the public, but busy enough that you'll enjoy your down time.
Personally, I am a home body...While I do enjoy social activities once I get there....I could be at home all week without even missing socializing. I am happy alone, or with others.....I wasn't always happy alone.
From reading your posts it truly seems to me that you are feeling discontented internally.....that may be why you can't decide what you want. As a young person the hardest thing for me was to learn to be ok with being alone, without being lonely. Sounds complicated, but mostly it comes with some life experience.....your are still young.
At 30 you still have years of deciding what you really want out of your life, and you may be feeling unsettled due in part to a lack of any kind of social life. Although you do seem to be more of a loner.
Relax into your life, sit down if you are a planner, and write down what you want to be doing, or who you want to be doing it with in 5 years, marriage, family. Also list the pros and cons of big city, small town life. It may help you put this into proper perspective.
It also might help if you took the occasional weekend trip to a larger city, which might help you remember why you prefer small towns. I like a medium town....I've lived in all, metro, small, and medium, I prefer medium.
But, decide if you actually have the best of both, you didn't say....but if you live close enough to a town where you can go do your shopping, making an outing of it, do that occasionally.
Take yourself to dinner, or an activity and absorb some social activity....I get the sense that you might enjoy soaking it in, but not necessarily participating in social events so much. It is ok to be a loner.
Decide what interests you have and throw yourself into them. For me, I love gardening...so I garden, it is relaxing and satisfying, plus the benefits are edible
Figure out if there is something you can't do by yourself....i.e. bowling, sports....and find a group to join. I used to play darts on a league, it was a small town.....I had never had an interest in darts....don't drink much, but I actually enjoyed myself....same with volley ball. The point is, I looked around as a single parent with limited money, and found things that I could afford to do, to at least get some adult time....and did them.
You are single, no children, you will actually have more liberty to find more opportunity...so look for those opportunities....find what fits....even if it is something you do alone, do something for yourself a couple times a week. Paint a room, read a book, take a nature walk....take photos....try all of these, see what makes you enthusiastic about doing it next time Get a pet....pets are great to ease the loneliness, and they are great to keep us active...you have to take car of a dog....walk them, hug them, talk to them...
A slogan that I read once always stuck with me through the years...."Grow where you are planted" I do not know the author.....But.....Do that, grow wherever you are life is so short....make the most of it!!.....Good luck, & keep us posted
Someone used the rep feature to chastise me that I'm not very empathetic, OP. Sure, I'm empathetic. I get you hate living in small towns and your job makes you live in them. I can see that that is miserable for you.
So, we have identified the problem.
1) You hate small towns
2) You must live in them due to your profession
So, now, rather than us all sitting around crying in our beer about how this s*cks, what do we do to fix it?
Can you change the fact that you hate small towns?
Doubtful.
Can you change your profession?
Well, you're young, which is definitely a huge plus in the "Yes!" you can change your profession column.
I'm not going to sit around and commiserate with anyone who has the option to change what makes them miserable.
Now, you want to get help from me researching other job opportunities, or how to get financial aid for college, or any of a million positive steps to change what is making you miserable, and I'm your gal.
So, yes, I'm empathetic. But, you got a bunch of helpful feedback, then you made a very strong point that we weren't "getting" what you were saying. You made it clear you aren't here for help in how to change your situation. You want us to tell you how to stand a situation you hate.
How on earth are we supposed to do that? And how realistic is that?
Go to Yoda school?
I don't think you need empathy. I think you need a kick in the butt. Some tough love.
I hated my job managing apts in Santa Clara and wanted to retire. For years, I believed I couldn't change my situation, because I couldn't imagine moving several hours away from friends and family. But, that's what I had to do to be able to quit a job I hated. Somebody basically told me what I told you. Either you get busy living, or get busy dying (like the movie said). So, I started researching affordable senior housing in other counties, and 6 months later I was able to quit my job. Hell, I was lucky to see my daughter once a month anyway. She's still only 4 hours away. Not the end of the earth.
You gotta think outside your box. Heck, I did it and I'm pushing 60. The world is your oyster at your age.
What is your job type? I know of a couple small towns that have small colleges in them that offer a lot of programs and such to the community. Where the college adds just a little extra to the life of the town. But of course, I have no idea of what kind of area you even need.
Also, what are your interests? Do you like to hike, camp, fish or hunt? Do you like interesting speakers or documentaries? Do you like to create things? While a job is your first priority, thinking about your hobbies and interests can help you look toward certain areas of the country/state.
I'm not going to sit around and commiserate with anyone who has the option to change what makes them miserable.
Agreed.
This is something like the 3rd or 4th thread I've read in a similar vein this week.
I'm not without empathy, either, but it seems like the "I'm stuck doing X but I want Y but I can't" is setting one up for a no-win situation.
The reasonable thing to do is to stop saying "I can't" and starting looking at potential options and compromises. What needs to change? How can it be changed? What funding is available?
And then look ahead: does this change have a good chance of being successful in today's economy? Does this change lead me closer to a life goal? Is it sustainable? Do I really have the motivation to do this or am I just content with complaining?
One concrete example and then I need to look for sweet corn!
I knew a woman in Columbus, Ohio who complained endlessly about being a "secretary." (Not an office assistant. I'm using her words.) She hated that office (although not working in an office in general). She hated Columbus. She hated the traffic, blah, blah, blah. She was in her early 30s, no husband or children.
She wanted to move back to Findlay, Ohio (much smaller town). She wanted to buy a house there and still make 40K a year. There have never been jobs there that paid that much for anyone with her skill set!
I'll skip the endless moaning sessions. Fast-forward to her helping a mutual friend of ours file stuff and settle an estate. She started getting interested in the paralegal field. I helped her research it, loans, scholarships, career potential, salaries, etc.
Long story short, she won a partial scholarship and then borrowed money to finance paralegal training at a legit school and then worked hard networking and at her studies. Four years later, she got a decent paralegal position up in Bowling Green (about 25 miles north of Findlay). She was able to pay back her loans in 5 years and now has her house in Findlay with it almost paid off.
That worked out well for her but at the time it seemed like such a huge risk to her! (It was a reasonable risk, given her office skill set and the ongoing need for paralegals to help handle bankruptcies and divorces, ever increasing in Ohio)
But where would she have been if all she did was complain and say, "I can't"?
Specifically to the OP, try to get clear about your situation. If you can't stand tiny towns, retrain enough in a related field so that you can live in a larger area but not a metro. I can't live well in a tiny town myself because of the fishbowl effect, although I like not being in the middle of Central Park! Des Moines has been a great choice for me. I like it even better now than when I moved here last year.
And if you must live in a tiny town, focus on what you have rather than on what you can't have. No traffic! Lots of quiet! rather than more negative things.
Zoom out to see what is not around it... for miles, and miles.
When I was 21, I was transferred with my job to a small town in northern Alberta. I was a suburban boy, and was fearful of moving 1.5 hours from the city. As luck would have it, I met the "right clique", and I thoroughly enjoyed my time there. Don't kid yourself, all small towns have cliques, and that was probably my biggest lesson.
Over time, I moved back to the same suburb of the large city I grew up in, married, had children, raised them, got divorced and am now semi-retired.
I remember my daughter as a young girl telling me she would live in a small town when she grew up. I tut-tuted her, patting her on the head, saying, "Yes dear".
As it happens, both my son and my daughter independently moved to a smaller town about an hour from where I am. They ended up with houses two blocks apart. When I decided to downsize, I was looking for something close, but not too close... I am now an 55 minutes to an hour away.
I love the place I am now at. There is a LOT of nature around, I ride my bike or hike, I can walk downtown to the post office, I love to see that children can go to playgrounds and they need no adult supervision, there is no crime, no vandalism and no graffiti. I tried out a number of the volunteer groups to see which may be a fit, and found one I liked. That got me to know the people in town, and a bit of a sense of what is going on. As I mentioned, 40 some years ago when I first expirenced a small place, I learned that small towns could be very cliquey... and I made sure that I avoided that at all cost.
If someone gossips something to me, I don't feed into it. I'll say something like, "Is that right?" or "Really, I didn't know that!" or something similar.
Let me relate what happened when I first moved here. It wasn't ten minutes after I pulled up to my house and the one neighbor came over, handed me a key, and told me the old owner wanted her to look after the place until it sold. The house needs a lot of renovations, and although I am pretty handy, I don't have all the tools. The neighbor on the other side of me is the town handyman... I met him the next day, telling him I was going to do renovations. His first comment?
He says, see that shop in the back yard? It looks closed, but isn't. If you (meaning me) ever need something, just go inside and help yourself.
He didn't know me from Adam.
That is small town living.
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