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Old 04-22-2010, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,676 posts, read 9,452,941 times
Reputation: 13850

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Found this on another site. Funny, yet to the point.

Enjoy!

**********
When visiting a small mountain town, there are a few things you might wish to be aware of. For starters, you may have noticed that there are actual hills and mountains to deal with, and that traffic is often limited to two lanes, sometimes even a lane and a half on the dirt roads, requiring an entirely different style of driving than in the city.

Curves:

It may seem like the builders were drunk and forgot their straightedges that day, but the roads follow the natural curvature of the land. Do not be alarmed! These curves happen quite often and do not necessarily require one to slam on the brakes to negotiate each one, nor are they there to hide the black helicopters around the bend. Proceed around them at or near the posted limit and you'll be fine.

Uphills:

I understand that you're picturing yourself careening off a cliffside and exploding in a fireball of death and carnage at every turn, but really, it's not necessary to brake while going uphill. That pedal you mash to the floor in the straightaways also works in reverse. Let off the accellerator and like magic...you slow down. Gravity is cool stuff, eh?

Downhills:

This one is going to trip you out, but did you realize that there are more gears than 'D'? Remember the last time you had to shift into L1 or L2 to get over that pesky island at the mall to snag that prime parking spot in front of JC Penney during their white sale? Well, believe it or not, if you shift down to one of those on a downhill, tiny elves in the motor will actually slow it down, so much you may not even have to press the brake! It's like a miracle, I'm telling you.

Passing lanes:

They're just that: an opportunity for the drivers you've been holding up for the last five miles to get past you. Let them. We have no WalMart and there's no danger of them denying you that prime parking spot right up front so you won't get winded walking an extra hundred feet. It is considered bad form to punch it while someone is passing you. Although you may not care what happens to other humans (they do exist, I promise), causing a head-on accident may require you to wash arterial spray and brain matter off your car before it mars your paintjob.

Braking:

If you got the lesson about engine braking, you're halfway there. Brakes work by causing friction dissipated in the form of heat. Driving while leaving one foot on the brake at worst can cause brake rotors to warp, but at best will accellerate wear on the pads. Learn to pulse your brakes before a turn and coast through if possible. If it helps, pretend you're a NASCAR driver whose entire pit crew was just killed and you have to finish on what brakes you have left.

Rubbernecking:

I know this is the first time in your life you've seen a squirrel or a flower, but your swiveling head is not on the road where it should be. Either focus on driving or pull over. The ten drivers behind you will thank you.

Wildlife:

They should really call them crazylife, because like little Kamikaze pilots, these critters will dart out in front of you with no warning or sense at all. Before you get paranoid, we have a points system here that's inverse to the size of the animal. Big ones like elk, deer or bears aren't worth hitting due to such a low score. I'd avoid hitting them at all costs. Small ones like squirrels or turkeys get the big points and will hardly damage your car at all. The points are so good in fact that it's hardly worth it to kill your family or other drivers on the road to avoid them.

Turn indicators:

Although you might feel you'd be giving up your tactical advantage by not telegraphing your next move, turn indicators are actually considered polite in quaint rural areas. We think they're pretty like christmas lights. We like them so much in fact we'll often use them before initiating a turn. Crazy to think of that level of commitment, but we are that backwards here.

Snow chains:

When parking in the middle of the highway trying to figure out how to install the incorrect size snow chains for the very first time in your life on the rear of your FWD car, the locals pointing and smiling as they drive around you are just admiring your technique.

Fire lanes:

While there might be special VIP parking in your home state marked by red curbs even closer than the handicapped spots, those are reserved for the elephants we use to put out fires. Believe me, we know how special you are, but think of the elephants, please.
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Old 04-22-2010, 05:14 PM
 
Location: CasaMo
15,586 posts, read 7,662,437 times
Reputation: 17149
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150 View Post
Fire lanes:

While there might be special VIP parking in your home state marked by red curbs even closer than the handicapped spots, those are reserved for the elephants we use to put out fires. Believe me, we know how special you are, but think of the elephants, please.
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Huh??
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Old 04-22-2010, 05:29 PM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,676 posts, read 9,452,941 times
Reputation: 13850
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoNative34 View Post
Huh??
Must be a Colorado joke.

The guy who posted it on the other site was a CO resident.

However, the rest of post applies to where I live (Sierras).
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Old 04-22-2010, 07:10 PM
 
Location: In transit...
378 posts, read 778,526 times
Reputation: 262
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoNative34 View Post
Huh??
These are for fire trucks to park in case of fire and usually located right in front of the store. It's not a parking space, but a "no parking" zone
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Old 04-23-2010, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
1,830 posts, read 2,662,162 times
Reputation: 2888
LOL! Good advice! When I 1st moved to the mountains I developed trigger finger from GRIPPING the steering wheel so tightly! I actually had to have physical therapy and they made little casts for my poor thumbs!!!! LOL!
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Old 04-23-2010, 01:25 PM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
11,144 posts, read 14,804,476 times
Reputation: 25457
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150 View Post

Curves:

It may seem like the builders were drunk and forgot their straightedges that day, but the roads follow the natural curvature of the land. Do not be alarmed! These curves happen quite often and do not necessarily require one to slam on the brakes to negotiate each one, nor are they there to hide the black helicopters around the bend. Proceed around them at or near the posted limit and you'll be fine.
__________________
Hilarious!
I live at the bottom of a long, slow, winding curve, just a wee bit less than a mile long. I often find myself behind people that ride their brakes the entire way as if they really are terrified of whatever might be around the bend. It makes me crazy.
Speed limit is 25mph, so I normally just take my foot off the gas and coast the whole way down with an occasional tap to the brake. It's great for my gas mileage.
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Old 04-24-2010, 03:58 PM
 
5 posts, read 11,021 times
Reputation: 12
Is it OK to post this on billboards, starting at the eastern boundaries of Montana, Wyoming, Colorado and New Mexico?! I really think DOT should do it, plus a couple leading up to the base of each of the big hills out here!
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Old 04-26-2010, 07:14 PM
 
Location: Interior AK
4,729 posts, read 8,735,067 times
Reputation: 3364
Need to add a tip about "Pulling Over" -- when there are more than 5 cars stacked up behind you, you can drastically reduce the stress level of your leisurely Sunday drive simply by using your indicator light, pulling over onto the shoulder, bringing your vehicle to a complete stop, and allowing those inconsiderate tailgaters to go past you... this will give you the complete freedom to drive 30 miles below the posted speed limit.
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Old 04-26-2010, 10:32 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,772 posts, read 13,223,327 times
Reputation: 32212
On braking, on one of our trips to the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, we took the tram from Gatlinburg up to Ober Gatlinburg Ski Lodge (Ober Gatlinburg Ski Resort & Amusement Park) The tram operator informed everybody you CAN drive up there, but do it in a rental car to save the brakes on your own! lol
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Old 04-26-2010, 10:44 PM
 
Location: US Empire, Pac NW
5,008 posts, read 10,926,511 times
Reputation: 4125
As a resident of Seattle who navigates curves (many mountainous and hilly areas were built around), hills (some of them 1:3), and a manual driver no less (LOL @ L1 and L2), I approve of this post since it also applies to out of towners and transplants who drive around in Seattle.
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