Having a hard time in Utah (appointed, home, neighborhood)

[kerbear0708]

Ok, let me start by saying I moved near the Salt Lake area from Upstate NY. I do have a few friends from work and friends that have moved here when I was younger that I reconnected with. I love my job here, my boyfriend has a good job, we live in a nice neighborhood. I am not Mormon and have nothing against being Mormon but it seems like it is so very hard for me to meet friends. I've been out to 'private clubs' three times since we have been here in July and that wasn't much fun for us either. The people in the private clubs weren't much friendlier in fact much less then the people i don't share beliefs with and i used to be a bartender in NY in a small town whenever you went in you were always welcomed no matter who you were. It's so hard it seems for me to meet people to hang out with and it was never hard for me in NY. I know life is different on the west coast than the east coast but it's starting to feel very alone here. Wish I could meet some other people in semi the same boat that I'm in, or even people from here that sometimes feel like they are displaced. Again I hope noone that reads this thinks I'm saying anything bad about the Mormon religion. I definately respect everyone, but I am a Christian and have my own beliefs and still feel like an outsider so much! Anyway hope someone can maybe chat or send me to a support group LOL, I'm really not trying to be disrespectful but feel like I've been disrespected a little when people in my neighborhood found out I wasn't what they are, maybe I just live in the wrong place, anyway, anyone that can help me out please do! Thank you!

[kaytidid]

Where are you living now, Kerbear0708?

[irman]

Do you attend a church of your OWN belief ?
If not, why even mention that you are a Christian ?
I have friends who are NOT LDS and religion has absolutely NO bearing on our friendship.
What religion do they claim to have ?... I have absolutely no idea !!
If you do attend some church, and you still feel like an *outsider*,
I have no clue why you would feel that way.

Do you have a hobby other than something related to alcohol, since you did mention that used to tend bar and that you frequent private clubs.

Living in a place where tobacco and alcohol is frowned upon by the majority of inhabitants, was a bad choice for you in this case.

Somewhere, I still have no clue why it is necessary to have tobacco or alcohol around in order to have a good time.

As I have mentioned numerous times in other posts ...
If you behave like an outsider, other people will treat you like an outsider.
I actually made a more *crass* statement, but ..... the same meaning.

So here my advice:
Keep a smile on your face always, especially when you meet people.
Makes them wonder what you are up to.
Show some interest in what other people may think.
Join some volunteer group, does wonders for your own attitude !!!

[frogandtoad]

I think you need to be in SLC proper.

[VegasGrace]

Originally Posted by kerbear0708

I've been out to 'private clubs' three times since we have been here in July and that wasn't much fun for us either. The people in the private clubs weren't much friendlier in fact much less then the people i don't share beliefs with and i used to be a bartender in NY in a small town whenever you went in you were always welcomed no matter who you were.

I was in your shoes, sort of. I am LDS and very active. Had a guest fly in to SLC and we wanted to watch the big game so we headed to a sports bar...it was private (as many are in the area).
It was freakish as when we walked in....everyone stared at us AND then scoffed-'it's private'....so we left.

I've lived all over and can tell you....the people in Utah are an interesting group of people. Just like those from New England are in their own right. So each group in different parts of the country.

[Lamborgotti]

I'm sorry you're feeling that way, I can definitely understand how you could. While I haven't experienced this firsthand, I think I've witnessed some people who have. The problem is that most LDS people have tons of acquaintances, because they go to church regularly. Generally they know so many people that they're not searching for friends, but that doesn't mean they're not open to new friends. I know all of my LDS neighbors quite well, and I would consider myself friends with just about all of them. However, I don't know most of my non-LDS neighbors because there isn't really a good place to get to know them. Even when we have street parties and such, with no religious affiliation suggested at all, it seems like our non-LDS neighbors don't ever come (about 5/20 households aren't LDS on my street), even thought we'd love it if they did. So people just get the idea that they want to be left alone. My main suggestion to you would be to not be like them. Don't hesitate to socialize with Latter-day Saints, even if they outnumber you 3 to 1, that's just how it always is in this state. If you don't make your differences an issue, they won't either.

I wouldn't recommend looking for fellow outsiders associate with. I mean, going to a church of your own faith would be a good idea, but going to bars and stuff just to find people who don't belong is probably not the best way to get along with people in this society. I've found that many LDS people get used to having so many friends that they forget to focus on individuals, and end up not having close friendships with anyone. Maybe you should look for people like that who could use your friendship. There's nothing wrong with being completely straight-forward and introducing yourself to people. In fact, I'm not sure how it is where you came from, but people would probably love it if you introduced yourself. Not all conversations have to involve religion, most of them don't, even among mormons. Asking advice is a simple way to get to know someone; ask a question about the neighborhood, or about their family, their house, their car, their pets, their interests. Why not talk about yourself. If you just force yourself to meet people, they'll respond.

[SouthernBelleInUtah]

You can look on www.meetup.com for groups with a similar interest. You put in your zip code - there are PAGES of groups in SLC. Of course, you mentioned you don't actually live in SLC, so I don't know what you'll find. But it can't hurt to look. In 8 yrs here, my good friends are people from my first job, neighbors, and people who I met when I went in their store. Also women from an exercise group.

[Mtn. States Resident]

It seems to me you've been given some excellent suggestions, kerbear0708. One thing I always tell people, regardless of what city or state where they live, is if they are lonely, volunteer your time. No one says all of your friends will be your exact age. Companionship/friendship can come from people of all ages. Plus, when one volunteers, sometimes other people see that person in a different light.

Not trying to pry, but you didn't give us an approximate age. Perhaps you might want to take some night classes at the U. and connect with a more college-age population? Or, night classes through Community College or just general night classes through the local school districts/area community activities.

What hobbies do you have? What hobbies would you LIKE to have? If having too much time and not enough friends, where else besides bars have you tried to meet people? Do you like sports? What about baseball, soccer, basketball and so many other sports I can't list them all.

Feel free to send me a PM if you want, I'd love to meet someone who would like to get to know others and has some free time on their hands. I know so many organizations who could use more helping hands. Nothing has to connect with a church at all. Organizations like Big Brothers/ Big Sisters, or the local shelters etc. always need more people.

I'd encourage you to make a list of your current hobbies and those you hope to master. Then, look for the opportunities. DO you like crafts, making pottery, animals, politics etc? There are other people connected with all those organizations and far more.

There is more than one way to find friends. Glad it does't matter to you whether anyone is LDS or not, then other avenues of meeting friends may not be as difficult for you as some others.

Let us know what you decide to do. And good luck finding the right organization, school class etc. of where you want to spend your energy making yourself a better person. It's funny how we make friends when we're trying to improve ourselves.

MSR

[katiemonty]

I'm from Buffalo, and learning my way around. It is very different!

Please get in touch with me if you need an "old home days" type thing!

[markg91359]

Kerbear,

I'll make a couple of points and suggestions. People who think social life in Utah revolves around clubs, or bars and drinking alcohol are going to be disappointed. Its really that simple. The majority of the state does not drink alcohol or smoke. Social life in Utah largely (not completely) exists around extended families and churches. If you don't have one, I'd try to connect with the other. Since you are not LDS, I'd suggest you connect with a Christian church in the area to meet people. The LDS people you meet are not unfriendly or trying to shun you in any way. What is going on is that in most cases their lives are taken up with work, family, and church committments that leave them little spare time to socialize with people outside their network.

Other people have suggested going to school to meet others, volunteer work, or using the internet to find like-minded groups. These are decent suggestions. I think people from outside the state have to work harder here to find friends. I'm sure it is challenging and you have my sympathy.