Daily Joke Thread (required, furniture, cold weather)

[FutureBrennanDad]

Thanks to Gallagher for this oldie.

If the opposite of Pro is Con, then the opposite of Progress must be Congress.

[RodLu]

[Merovee]

Originally Posted by lonestar2007

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.

And being a responsible citizen, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4:00 p.m. and they still haven't responded.

I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

...

[mkfarnam]

~Quick and Easy Pop Corn Stuffing~


Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found
this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not
sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Try it
and see!!

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,.... it's done.

And, you thought I didn't cook...

[RodLu]

http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/4796/download3j.jpg (broken link)

[RodLu]

Better than a Flu Shot!




Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.


Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter? 

[RodLu]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.



Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.



Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.



About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says,



'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.



Could we please do it one more time?'



Of course, she agrees, and they do it again.



Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch



and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.



He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,



'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'



She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.



After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.



He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.



Do you think we could...'



At this point she sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.' 

[Merovee]

Originally Posted by FutureBrennanDad

Thanks to Gallagher for this oldie.

If the opposite of Pro is Con, then the opposite of Progress must be Congress.

What is the opposite of a protest? A contest?

Propaganda? Conpaganda?

[RodLu]

Q: What did the widowed turkey mom say 2 her disobedient kids?

A: "If your father could see u he would turn over in his gravy!"

[RodLu]

Something someone else posted elsewhere :





Last night, I saw a sign at a strip club something to the effect of having a clothing drive to help the needy. I wish I had a camera on me. :P