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Old 02-21-2011, 02:57 AM
 
10,999 posts, read 10,032,457 times
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^^HaHa! Tried to rep you.
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:58 AM
 
1,131 posts, read 1,324,887 times
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^ Ha.....thanks, temptation.....some Cynical Humour there, perhaps.......
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:13 PM
 
604 posts, read 572,371 times
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"there is a risk we might need to lay off André"

Great!
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Old 02-22-2011, 08:30 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston
27,734 posts, read 42,101,187 times
Reputation: 69728
Why we love children?

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?

POLICE While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?

POLICE It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?

ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!

DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. And why not, darling? You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.

DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes. (I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!

BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!
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Old 02-23-2011, 11:14 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston
27,734 posts, read 42,101,187 times
Reputation: 69728
This is a must read for all Texans, used-to-be Texans, adopted Texans or wanna-be Texans:
Just Texas
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the sun?
Sun City, Texas 78628
Sunrise, Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray, Texas 79086
Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon, Texas 76301
Noodle, Texas 79536
Oatmeal, Texas 78605
Turkey, Texas 79261
Trout, Texas 75789
Sugar Land, Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice, Texas 75155
Pearland, Texas 77581
Orange, Texas 77630
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit, Texas 75436
Cleveland, Texas 75436
Colorado City, Texas 79512
Denver City, Texas 79323
Klondike, Texas 75448
Pittsburg, Texas 75686
Newark, Texas 76071
Nevada, Texas 75173
Memphis, Texas 79245
Miami, Texas 79059
Boston, Texas 75570
Santa Fe, Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony, Texas 75861
Reno, Texas 75462
Pasadena, Texas 77506
Columbus, Texas 78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens, Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Dublin, Texas 76446
Egypt, Texas 77436
Ireland, Texas 76538
Italy, Texas 76538
Turkey, Texas 79261
London, Texas 76854
New London, Texas 75682
Paris, Texas 75460
Palestine, Texas 75801

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse, Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas 79031

We have a city named after our state:
Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?
Blanket, Texas 76432
Winters, Texas 79567

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna, Texas 76878
Goliad, Texas 77963
Alamo, Texas 78516
Gun Barrel City, Texas 75156
Robert Lee , Texas 76945

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space?
Venus , Texas 76084
Mars , Texas 79062

You guessed it. It's on the state line.
Texline , Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit, Texas 79745
Elmo, Texas 75118
Nemo, Texas 76070
Tarzan, Texas 79783
Winnie, Texas 77665
Sylvester, Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile......
Frognot, Texas 75424
Bigfoot, Texas 78005
Hogeye, Texas 75423
Cactus, Texas 79013
Notrees, Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest, Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas 77853
Old Dime Box, Texas 77853
Telephone, Texas 75488
Telegraph, Texas 76883
Whiteface, Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore, Texas 75662

And our favorites...
Cut and Shoot, Texas 77303
Gun Barrel City , Texas 75147
Ding Dong, Texas

West, Texas (it's in Central Texas )

and, of course,
Muleshoe, Texas 79347

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas


If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work
there, you may live in Texas;

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas;

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a
wrong number, you may live in Texas;

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may
live in Texas;

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas;

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live
in Texas;


If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both
unlocked, you may live in Texas;

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
you may live in Texas;

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph--you're going 80 and
everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas;

If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas;

If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas
friends, you definitely live in Texas.
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Old 02-23-2011, 11:18 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston
27,734 posts, read 42,101,187 times
Reputation: 69728
Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas.

1. Beaumont to El Paso: 742miles.

2. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles.

3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.

4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.

5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America
built over water. Destroyed by Hurricane Ike - 2008!

6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston.

7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North
America.

8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only
remaining flock of whooping cranes.

9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a
hurricane in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.

11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston," but
the Space Center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time.

12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island.

13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24
hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979.

14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the
Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union)
instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same
height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states.

15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr
Pepper.

18. Texas has had six capital cities:
Washington-on-the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston, Velasco, West Columbia
and now: Austin.

19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S., which is
taller than the Capitol building in Washington, DC (by 7 feet).

20. The San Jacinto (pronounced y'ceento) Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the
world and it is taller than the Washington Monument .

21. The name 'Texas' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning
friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.

22. The State Mascot is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about
the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which
splits into four, and they either have four males or four females.
(Armadillo is what Aggies have on the half-shell.)

23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston .

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas:


(1) Just one God.
(2) Put nothin' before God.
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'.
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(8) Don't take what ain't yers.
(9) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

All y'all git all that?
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Old 02-23-2011, 11:25 AM
 
Location: San Antonio/Houston
27,734 posts, read 42,101,187 times
Reputation: 69728
TEXAS LEGAL ACTION

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE
ONLY IN TEXAS ...


Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented………
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."
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Old 02-23-2011, 05:30 PM
 
1,131 posts, read 1,324,887 times
Reputation: 286
^ HAHAHA, Elnina.....funny joke there!
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Old 02-24-2011, 04:21 AM
 
1,131 posts, read 1,324,887 times
Reputation: 286
Aw, man.....poor baby.....eatin' grapefruit.....cute, though.......





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnQBHxzMkdw
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Old 02-25-2011, 03:16 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in San Antonio
417 posts, read 770,693 times
Reputation: 266
Default Different levels of stress

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful,

So then...you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!
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