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Lesson #1 - A man is getting into the shower just as his wife finishes hers when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, and quickly wraps herself in a towel.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you are wearing.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps in the towel and goes back upstairs. Her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson #2 - A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life.” Poof! He's gone.
“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story - Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson #3 - A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not?”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story - To sit and doing nothing, you must sit very, very high up.
Lesson #4 - A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.”
“Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the Story - B.S might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson #5 - In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. And, every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Moral of the Story - It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion. When the sun comes up, you had better be running at your top speed.
THE OIL SHORTAGE. There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer:
“Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.“
LIBERAL LINEUP. A florist, a policeman and a liberal politician went to their barber for haircuts. When each tried to pay, the barber told them, “I'm doing community service this week, so I am not charging my customers for haircuts.” Awaiting him when he reopened his shop the following morning were: a box containing a dozen roses and a thank-you card from the florist, a box containing a dozen doughnuts and a thank-you card from the policeman, and a lineup of dozen liberals to take advantage of the free haircuts.
TAXI RIDE. A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,
“I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault - today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
SANE STATEMENTS
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Warning: Dates on calendars are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Wanting to earn some extra money, a blonde decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She knocked at the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde, after looking about, responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
From inside the house, his wife heard the conversation and asked him, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
“She should,” he said, “she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?”
“No,” said the wife. “I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' e-mail jokes we've been receiving.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You're finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes, and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats,” she replied.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”
It's the summer of 1956 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
'D#$%^t, Mom! It's the Twist! ....It's called The Twist!!!'
Status:
"Bankruptcy..What a Christmas present for America..."
(set 13 days ago)
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: San Quilmas, Tx
1,820 posts, read 874,171 times
Reputation: 7265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paka
CORPORATE LESSONS.
Lesson #1 - A man is getting into the shower just as his wife finishes hers when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, and quickly wraps herself in a towel.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you are wearing.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps in the towel and goes back upstairs. Her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Status:
"Bankruptcy..What a Christmas present for America..."
(set 13 days ago)
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: San Quilmas, Tx
1,820 posts, read 874,171 times
Reputation: 7265
School 1967 vs. 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack. 1967 - Vice principal comes over to look at Jack's shotgun. He goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, and FBI is called. Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. 1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail; nobody is arrested; nobody is expelled.
2007 - Police called. SWAT team arrives. Johnny and Mark are arrested and charged with assault. Both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is diagnosed with ADD and given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a learning disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is placed in foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being
abused herself, and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1967 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called. Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. Car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit
against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given a diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. 1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security, and FBI called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates parents;
siblings are removed from home; computers confiscated. Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him. 1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Forgive me if this has been posted before, I just read it on OurLighterSide and had to share.
Have a Great Day!
crazedchef
For those who slept through World History 101…… here is a condensed version.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history…….
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to some liberals… just to yank their chain.
If
the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what
is baby oil made from?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If
electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Welcome to City-Data.com forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with 700,000 other registered members. User profiles and some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your free account you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 15,000 posts/day about local topics and you will see fewer ads. 
School 1967 vs. 2007
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