Daily Joke Thread (Dallas, Roma, Canton: movers, lawyers, new home)

[sapphire]

MissBeatrice,
the
church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park

a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[SanAntoQT]

Originally Posted by sapphire

MissBeatrice,
the
church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park

a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Good one!!!! *lol*

[Paka]

A store opened in New York City where women could go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

· You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

· There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but she cannot go back down except to exit the building!

A typical woman went to this store and on the first floor the sign on the door read:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign read:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign read:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but still feels compelled to keep going.

The fourth floor sign read:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Good-Looking, and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor where the sign read:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is sorely tempted to stay, but goes on to the sixth floor where the sign read:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[gwrober]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb***. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a ****head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Paka]

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi
play hockey in the new American sponsored league and is suitably impressed
and arranges for him to come over to the US .

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for
the preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10
minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the
nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes
and wins the game for Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches
are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his
first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi
accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I scored 5
goals and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I
were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of
looters, and all while you were having such great
time." The young Iraqi is very upset.

"What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom, "It's your fault we moved to Detroit in
the first place!

[gwrober]

[SIZE=-1]Missing Husband
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]A wife went to the police station to report her missing husband and took along her next-door neighbor for moral support.
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]When asked for his description, she told the officer, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, weighs 185 pounds, has blue eyes, blond wavy hair, an athletic build, is soft-spoken, and good with children."
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]Her neighbor protested, "Your husband is short, bald, fat, and mean!"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1]"True," the wife replied, "but who'd want him back?"


[/SIZE]

[PopsGuysRule]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

[Deep Forest]

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so
intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real XXX XXXX when you're drunk."

[Paka]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of **** .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service....just don't drive after either!

[gwrober]

Originally Posted by Paka

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

I think this should be a be new health campaign!!