Daily Joke Thread (salary, living in, suite)

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by rd2007

This is actually a real story, but still very funny..

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who
drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding
from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public
ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
As she stood back up, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!!

(stolen from SA QT) This IS funny!!! Good Gawd!!

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by Paka

Why Men should not be allowed to own action figures...



Attachment 19581

LOLOLOL.... priceless!!!!

[rd2007]

This was written by a guy ... it's pretty smart.


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**** knows I'm smarter than her.

[sapphire]

The only surprise there is that they are still just boyfriend and girlfriend. If she's holding out now, he's an idiot to marry her. We don't start saying no till the kids come, and with them comes all the laundry, meal prep, taxi-ing, etc. that wears us out. Just sayin'. Carry on.

[AnthonySA]

TORNADO SAFETY
Spring is tornado season. The National Weather Service recomends taking these safety measures:

In the event of a tornado, lie down in a ditch. If you are already lying in a ditch, do not attempt to sit up.

The most important thing to do is to stay calm. This will be difficult, since you are almost certainly going to die.

Tornadoes spook easily. Firing a few warning shots into the air is usually enough to scare them off.

Live a little, for once: Strap yourself to the roof of your house and rage at the heavens.

Prevent tornadoes before they happen: Make sure that warm, moist air fronts do not converge with cool, dry ones.

During a tornado, the only safe place is in my loving arms. Come here, baby.

If a tornado strikes your home, even your basement could be dangerous, so construct a basement for your basement.

If you spot a tornado, always remember to point at it, yell "tornado!," and run like hell.

[gwrober]

Wife: "What are you doing?"

Husband: "Nothing."

Wife: "Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."




Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When thee is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

[rd2007]

sent that one to the men haters in my shop..

[gwrober]

Let me see if I can get this one right:


A woman wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband isn't in bed. She wanders down the hall to find him sitting at the dining room table just staring at their marriage certificate. As she watches, she notices a solemn tear well up and then run down his face...

Moved, she tears up herself, and asks, "Honey, what are you thinking about?"

"Remember when we got married?" he replies. "Of course I do!" she states, feeling warm and fuzzy inside. "Ha, I remember Dad holding that shotgun to your back and telling you to marry me or go to jail!" she laughs.

His tears pour now. "I would have gotten out today."

[rd2007]

oh yeah, that's gonna be the follow-up to the man haters..

[sapphire]

I hate when women bash men. Grrrrrr!!