Daily Joke Thread (Rule, Anderson: restaurants, bus, move to)

[rd2007]

two divorced women and one that is trying to get divorced.. it's hard to keep them in their place

like it's our fault they have awful taste in men.. and boy do they.. but that's what they get for only looking at what's on the outside

[sapphire]

Oh, I bet that's ugly!

Spanish word of the day: Disburse.

And it's used like this:

Did you watch disburse game last night?

[rd2007]

I think I'm gonna send that one to my boss

[gwrober]

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays...

[rd2007]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no! On my breaks - yes !

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE ..7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.

[gwrober]

1.

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

2.

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," his wife replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune!"

[Paka]

13....13....13....


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on........
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'

[gwrober]

Originally Posted by Paka

13....13....13....


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on........
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'

Paka, that is a classic! I love that one! Sounds like something I'd do when the men in white coats come for me....

[PopsGuysRule]

1) The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon, you
both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"

5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your EX screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

[the_dimwit]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her. "

The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife!" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I cant kill my wife. "

The agent said, "You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home. "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."