Daily Joke Thread (Dumas, West, Howe: rental, job, houses)

[sendhelp]

Originally Posted by PopsGuysRule

Okay... I'm starting a daily joke thread....
Dear Moderator: (I don't think it's AT anymore, haven't seen her around)...
THIS THREAD IS APROPROS TO SAN ANTONIO BECAUSE....
MMM.... WELL.... LESSEE.... San Antonians have a great sense of humor....
Just like YOU!! right????
Okay, here goes: Day One:

APROPOS FOR THE UPCOMING WEEKEND:::::
##############################


A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in his right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife
was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

[Dementius88]

A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "D..d..d..ddoc....ddoocc....dddoooccttor, I have a stt..sttt...sttutering problem."
The doctor replies, " I see, well what can I do for you today?"
The man asks, "cc....ccc....cccan you help me?"
The doctor replies, " Well with the advancement of modern science, we can run some tests and see what we come up with."
The man says, "ggg....gg...ggg....ggreat!"
The doctor runs some tests and asks the man to return in 1 week.
The man returns and the doctor gives him the old I got some good news and I got some bad news.
"The good news", the doctor says, " is that we have found the problem and can fix it!"
"The bad news, is that your very large male endowment is causing a physical strain on your vocal cords. We would need to remove about 4 extra inches from you, which in return would ease the strain on your vocal cords."
The guy states, " I hhh...hhh....hhave tt..tto talk tt..to my wife. "
The doctor says he understands as it is a complex surgery and it is a life changing event.
The guy returns about 3 days later and says he wants to go through with it. After the surgery and 2 months of physical therapy the guy returns to the doctor's office.
He says, "Doc, I gotta tell you the surgery was a complete success. My stuttering is gone, my confidence is up, but my wife is unhappy. Honestly, doc she misses the whole me and we decided to reverse the surgery."
The doctor replies, "Nnn..nnn..nnnoooo its ttt..ttt..tto late!"

[rd2007]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed! 'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.

'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?' Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business... you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos'

'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say'Times up'?!!!

[PopsGuysRule]

Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking."

Patient: "I'll come back when you're sober then!"

[frootloop6]

June 5th:
Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60 percent of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Tiger (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Tiger had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and $h!ts. I told the kids he ran away. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as heII. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Tiger is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise a$$ cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Dang heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seat in the car, I thought my a$$ was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a$$. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a$$, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a danged recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do $h!t for 2 dang months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this dang desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this dang heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the dang windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

Aug. 15th:
My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?!? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

[frootloop6]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

[rd2007]

ha ha, I just received that today and here are three more:

THE FIGHT BEGAN:


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight began....
************************************************** **********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight began.....
************************************************** *********************
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight began.....

[rd2007]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window.


George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone
in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I
just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT
Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at
the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed . One of the
Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George
said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

[Texan in Virginia]

Originally Posted by frootloop6

June 5th:
Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60 percent of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Tiger (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Tiger had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and $h!ts. I told the kids he ran away. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as heII. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Tiger is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise a$$ cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Dang heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seat in the car, I thought my a$$ was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a$$. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a$$, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a danged recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do $h!t for 2 dang months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this dang desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this dang heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the dang windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

Aug. 15th:
My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?!? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

LOL! Should be changed to reflect SA and be posted everytime someone from Chicago complains about the heat!
Lori

[Texan in Virginia]

I'll remember this one if I ever have a break in!
Lori

Originally Posted by rd2007

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window.


George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone
in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing
things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I
just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT
Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at
the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed . One of the
Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George
said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'