Daily Joke Thread (Denton, Allen: renting, attorney, pool)

[Tropical Trouble]

A. "How to Give a Cat a Pill"

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged gently between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurine from hearth
and set another side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to hold down the cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply hot compress to cheek and disinfect. Throw tee-shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
your miserable cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the little @#%'s front paws to rear paws, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a piece of steak. Hold
head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume some goodly amount of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.

15. Arrange for the Adopt-A-Pet center to come and collect the cat. Then call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

B. "HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL"

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[rd2007]

July 8. 1948

Many of you will
recall that on July 8, 1948, over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an
unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep
and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New
Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say
has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal
agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the
month of March 1949, nine
months after that historic day, the following
people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when
aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit
of information clears up
a lot of things for you. It did for me.

[Blue Dog]

Two girlfriends go out to a celebration without their husbands. On the way back, they need to tinkle. They were front of a cemetery and one says to the other "Let's go in, nobody is going to see to us. O.K, her friend says,but we don't have paper. It doesn't matter, I'm going to remove my baggy trousers, dry and then shoot them over to you. So they go in. The other girlfriend tinkled and decided to feel around with her hand to see if she could find some paper. She grabbed a paper crown that somebody had just buried and dryed herself. They each returned home to their houses. After a short while, one husband calls to the other and he says to him: There is something funny, my wife returned home without her baggy trousers. I suspect that she's cheating on me. To which the other responded: Mine is worse. A card was attached to her ass that says: WE WILL NEVER FORGET TO YOU.

[debey]

Now that the Supreme Court has reaffirmed the Second Amendment in relation to

Gun Ownership, thought you'd like to see my New backyard Barbecue....
Maybe we can take that barbeque to the DC city hall

[gwrober]

Nice! Can't rep you yet tho...

Originally Posted by rd2007

July 8. 1948

Many of you will
recall that on July 8, 1948, over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an
unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep
and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New
Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say
has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal
agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the
month of March 1949, nine
months after that historic day, the following
people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when
aliens breed with sheep?
I certainly hope this bit
of information clears up
a lot of things for you. It did for me.

[Blue Dog]

LITTLE Bruce ON MATHS !!!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BRUCE..

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BRUCE says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.


The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BRUCE replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE BRUCE ON MATHS.. (Part 2)

Little BRUCE returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies BRUCE..

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"



LITTLE BRUCE ON ENGLISH..

Little BRUCE goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.



Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BRUCE says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BRUCE, that's a mouthful."

Little BRUCE says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE BRUCE ON GRAMMAR..

Little BRUCE was sitting in class one day.



All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!!"


The teacher replied, 'Now, BRUCE, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.



The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."

Little BRUCE, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN !"





LITTLE BRUCE ON GRAMMAR.. (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !!!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little BRUCE..

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f ****** beautiful !!!'"





LITTLE BRUCE ON GETTING OLDER..

Little BRUCE was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.


After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.



It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BRUCE replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little BRUCE answered, "No, he minded his own f ****** business.

[Blue Dog]

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[gwrober]

A Ritchie County, West Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door.

A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

[rd2007]

A Country Funeral

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery, way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.
I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave.
There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.
As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,'
'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before... all the way from Genesis to Revelation.
I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

[SnappyBob]

My youngest son will soon be married so last weekend we gave hime a bachelor party. I called one of the local stripper rental places and told them I was inquiring about renting a stripper for a bachelor party. They asked if I wanted the 150 deal or the 300 deal. I asked what the difference was. They said about 150 pounds.