Daily Joke Thread (Rule: place, work, driver)

[gwrober]

Originally Posted by SnappyBob

My youngest son will soon be married so last weekend we gave hime a bachelor party. I called one of the local stripper rental places and told them I was inquiring about renting a stripper for a bachelor party. They asked if I wanted the 150 deal or the 300 deal. I asked what the difference was. They said about 150 pounds.

ugh!!!

[TXtrkgrl]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at

him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place

where he knows her from.


So he says, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife and he says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching

while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[rd2007]

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.



But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.



The second prince brought diamonds.



He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.



She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.




Question: What was in the prince's pants?















M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking???

[rd2007]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: ; I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_________ _____________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do ?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you $hittin' me?
_____________________ _________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
A TTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
______ ___________________ ____________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
___________ _________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[rd2007]

You are in a room, completely sealed in. There are 4 walls, a roof, and a floor. There are no windows or doors. The only things in the room (other than you) are a mirror and a table.
How do you get out?

[TXtrkgrl]

Originally Posted by rd2007

You are in a room, completely sealed in. There are 4 walls, a roof, and a floor. There are no windows or doors. The only things in the room (other than you) are a mirror and a table.
How do you get out?

oh, oh, I know the answer!!

[sapphire]

Haha....google is da bomb-diggity.

[rd2007]

cheater!

although that is about the only way to get the answer..

[satx56]

Originally Posted by rd2007

You are in a room, completely sealed in. There are 4 walls, a roof, and a floor. There are no windows or doors. The only things in the room (other than you) are a mirror and a table.
How do you get out?

Same way you got in!!!!

[dangeruscurves]

Originally Posted by satx56

Same way you got in!!!!

I like that answer!