Daily Joke Thread (Liberty, Bishop, Mart: unemployment, bankruptcy, centers)

[gwrober]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the firs question: 'What's the
distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the
lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'

The senior reaches in his pocket, hands the
lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[rd2007]

Very fitting for these times

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'







The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......













'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

[gwrober]

Good one rd.....

[Paka]

Tried to rep you for that one RD but it said I need to spread the love around first!!!

Too funny (and probably true)...

[PopsGuysRule]

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

[crazedchef]

4 years

[crazedchef]

Are you packed yet?

[rd2007]

WHY YOU DON'T TAKE MEN TO THE STORE WITH YOU!!!!!



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.



Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.



Dear Mrs. Samsel,



Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.



3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 5 in housewares. Get on it right away.'



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'



9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.



11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.



12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



And last, but not least.



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

[debey]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, & 12??

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?’

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. ‘Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...'

[Paka]

Fair warning...do not be drinking your coffee when you read below unless you are willing to blow it out your nose laughing!







Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to
accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Rolling Stones ---"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.


Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least Willie Nelson --- I'm on the Commode Again