Daily Joke Thread (West: motel, statistics, cabins)

[debey]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'


She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians!'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh crap, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietlly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."

[rd2007]

The Scottish Divorce

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds
and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.

[Tropical Trouble]

Originally Posted by rd2007

The Scottish Divorce

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and
says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the father says.
"We're sick of each
other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds
and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.

Wow, freaky. I opened this thread to post the exact same joke (different location used, but same joke).

So, I surfed around and found this one instead...

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

[debey]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S
A$$ OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S A$$.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to
the
plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery .
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's a$$ and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

[sapphire]

Juan and manuel worked together in an el paso clothing factory; and when both were laid off, they went to the unemployment office together.

When asked his occupation, juan said 'panty stitcher; i sew elastic into ladies cotton panties.' the clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' and it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.

She asked miguel his occupation, and he said, 'diesel fitter,' which was listed as a skilled job. She put him down for $600 a week.

When juan found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money.

The clerk explained, 'panty stitchers are unskilled laborers, and diesel fitters are skilled laborers.'

'what skill?' yelled juan.

'i sew the elastic on the panties, and manuel puts 'em over his head and says, 'diesel fitter !!!!

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by sapphire

Juan and manuel worked together in an el paso clothing factory; and when both were laid off, they went to the unemployment office together.

When asked his occupation, juan said 'panty stitcher; i sew elastic into ladies cotton panties.' the clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' and it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.

She asked miguel his occupation, and he said, 'diesel fitter,' which was listed as a skilled job. She put him down for $600 a week.

When juan found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money.

The clerk explained, 'panty stitchers are unskilled laborers, and diesel fitters are skilled laborers.'

'what skill?' yelled juan.

'i sew the elastic on the panties, and manuel puts 'em over his head and says, 'diesel fitter !!!!

OMG MG MG... lololololol!!!!!!!!!!! toooo funny MsSapphireGirl

[debey]

1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000 every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.

8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy (including Winn-Dixie).

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Supercenters; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart

13. Let Wal-Mart bail out Wall Street!!

[debey]

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of its mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change its attitude by saying only polite words to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute!
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out into my outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions, I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
I was about to ask the parrot why the dramatic change in his behavior when he turned and asked, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Happy Thanksgiving!

[PopsGuysRule]

[SIZE=3]Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100.00 if you let me have sex with you."
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend
... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200.00 and pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.[/SIZE]
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

[PopsGuysRule]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
> amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
> shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide
> back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this
> Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator)
> responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in
> my life, I don't know what it is' While the boy and
> his father were watching with amazement,a fat, old lady in a
> wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
> button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them
> into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
> father watched the small circular numbers above the walls
> light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
> reached the last number and then the numbers began to light
> in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and
> a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said
> quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'