Daily Joke Thread (Robinson, Center, Post: campground, license, horse)

[crazedchef]

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.



He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies



The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'



He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.













So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.







'We missed the R !

We missed the R !







We missed the R !'





His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'



With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,



'The word was...











CELEB R ATE !!!

[crazedchef]

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans...


'1'


Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

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'2'


Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

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'3'


Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

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'4'


Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

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'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.


Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.

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'6'


The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


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'7'


Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip',
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!

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'8'


Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

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'9'


Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?


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'10'


How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

[lonestar2007]

Body statistics


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

V
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Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

[rd2007]

Chinese Wedding Night...




A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.


On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets
as her husband undresses in the darkness.


He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and
you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you
want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful
silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.


She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting
I have hear about from odda girls.... Numbaa 69.'


More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually,
in a puzzled tone he asks her....






'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

[rd2007]

mandatory viewing for all men prior to giving a Christmas gift to their wife/girlfriend/whateverothertermispopularthesedays

http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/video.aspx

[rd2007]

GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving
wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop!
I'm starting to
suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that
said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

[lonestar2007]

Cajun honeymoon

Boudreaux, out in his pasture in south Louisiana, takes a
lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he
could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it Doc? . . . I'm going on my
honeymoon next week and my finance, Bertha, is still a
virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy
in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should
be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4
sided splint, and taped it all together . . . Quite an
impressive work of art and engineering.

Boudreaux mentions none of this to Bertha, marries her,
and they go on their honeymoon to Ville Platte.

That night in the motel room, Bertha slowly open her
blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said, 'You're da first, nobody has EVER seen
deez.'

Boudreaux immediately drops his pants and replies,

'Look at dis, Bertha.......

......still in DA CRATE!'

[rd2007]

[rd2007]

Dear Wife:


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your Ex-Husband


P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together Have a great life.

---------------------------------------

Dear Ex-Husband:


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to jamica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[debey]

The rest of the world can not understand how.. after bitter election campaigns.. American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great State of Alaska the two men who defeated her; Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has scheduled a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two prominent men to assist them.
Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling, and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.


What a gal that Sarah.. she is such a good sport and thinks of everything!