Daily Joke Thread (Howe, Mart: food, retired, roach)

[sapphire]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

He obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

Again, he says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."





He begins, "One .. Two ... Three".

[TXtrkgrl]

Here is something fun for Texans and those sort of interested:
TEXAS

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...

1. If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas ;

2. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas ;

3. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;

4. If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas ;

5. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas ;

6. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas ;

7. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas ;

8. If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas ;

9. If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas ;

10. If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas ;

11. If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas .

[Hispanic Vet]

Why does a Nurse carry a red pen? So they can "draw" blood.

This is a double entendre 1) draw, as in color or to illustrate by a drawing.
2) to draw, as in remove blood from a limb with a syringe.

[debey]

Stock Market Quote of the Week:

"This is worse than a divorce...
I've lost half my net worth
and I still have my wife!"

[sapphire]

If girls with big ta-ta's work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work?






















IHOP.

[TXtrkgrl]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon a fter she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King' s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick ..

The moral of the story -



Pay your bills

[Paka]

Some of these are "priceless!"

> **1. *Cheese*
> The teacher told Pepito to use the
> word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria
> likes me, but cheese fat.
>
> 2. *Mushroom*
> When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
>
> 3. *Shoulder*
> My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know
> how to read so I shoulder.
>
> 4. * Texas *
> My fren always Texas me when I'm
> not home wondering where I'm at!
>
> 5. *Herpes*
> Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got
> mine piece and she got herpes.
>
> 6. *July*
> Ju told me ju were going to
> tha store and July to me! Julyer!
>
> 7. *Rectum*
> I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
>
> 8. *Chicken*
> I was going to go to the store with
> my wife but chicken go herself.
>
> 9. *Wheelchair*
> We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.
>
> 10. *Chicken wing*
> My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
>
> 11. *Harassment*
> My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her
> harassment nothing to me.
>
> 12. *Bishop*
> My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
>
> 13. *Body wash*
> I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
>
> 14. *Budweiser*
> That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so
> ugly?*

[gwrober]

Dangit Paka I can't rep you! LMAO!

[rd2007]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless.

[nrlatsha]

Nice!

Here's one that's best told in person, because the timing is everything:


Ya know, anybody can say that they love children.

The problem is when you get specific.

Like saying, "I like 13 year-old boys..."

-Demetri Martin