Daily Joke Thread (Fort Worth, Tyler, Longview: real estate, mall, swimming)

[mamatotex97]

Ok...this is a site of some pretty funny situations....
F*** My Life - FML : Your everyday life stories.

[dawgbert]

It was entertainment night at the Lufkin, Texas Senior Center and over 300
seniors came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'****!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[sapphire]

Originally Posted by dawgbert

It was entertainment night at the Lufkin, Texas Senior Center and over 300
seniors came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'****!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

See post 437........I must have gotten that e-mail before you did.

[dawgbert]

Yep. Sorry. Here's one to make up

Men DO Remember Anniversaries

Barb awoke during the night to find that her husband Bill was not in their bed.

She put on her dressing gown and went downstairs to look for him. She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispered as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
Bill looked up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 30 years ago and started dating. You were only 24. Do you remember back then?' he asked solemnly.
Barb was touched to tears thinking that her Bill is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replied.
Bill paused. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said Barb, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
Bill continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 30 years?'
'I remember that too' Barb replied softly.
Bill wiped another tear from his cheek and said...'I would have been released today.'

[gwrober]

Originally Posted by dawgbert

'****!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

I guess the biggest part of this joke for me is deciding what the expletive starts with, an "S" or and "F"....

[sapphire]

Ewwwwwwwww.

I don't think they had dispensed the Viagra yet, so it's probably the S word.

[dawgbert]

Actual Employee Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
32. "Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking."

[dawgbert]

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

The Alaskan woodpecker expressed much confidence that he could do it.

After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home...

[dawgbert]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[dawgbert]

[SIZE=4]There was this boy who had a very bad speech impediment. He was very self conscious of the fact that his speech never seemed to come out right. Because of his low self esteem he seldom associated with others and never participated in the usual childhood events that involved face to face exposure. However he truly wanted to be just like any other child and have fun going on Easter egg hunts and trick or treating. He just couldn't get over being self conscious of his speech impediment. Finally one Halloween, he got up the nerve to go out. He went out and got the best pirate costume he could find. However there was a lingering fear in him. He decided to test his courage on his neighbor who had always been kind to him. So he went next door early in the evening to bolster his courage. He knocked on the door, and the neighbor answered the door. The young boy said, "Ttthhrick or Tttthhreat!!!" The neighbor recognized the young boy instantly from the way he enthusiastically spouted his line. The neighbor paused and then knowing that it must have taken some courage for the boy to go trick or treating decided to make small talk to ease the boy's way. The neighbor said, "So you are a pirate!!", " Where are your buccaneers?" The little boy looks up at the neighbor in disbelief and states "ON MY BUCKIN HEAD, WHERE DO YOU THINK MY BUCKIN EARS ARE?"[/SIZE]