Daily Joke Thread (West, Howe: loan, water heater, safest)

[dawgbert]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did
everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you
needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman
every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over
everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf
with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced
like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the
piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really
special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a
computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew
all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in
traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem
to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a
mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet
him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died.
I'm married to his widow."

[dawgbert]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . .BRING POSSEEEE'

[sapphire]

oops, I totally LOL'd at work. that joke is hilarious!

[Tippylou]

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[dawgbert]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the
engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to
get my husband's help.





When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor girl.
I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to
stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and
he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get
through to him anymore. Can you please help?


Sincerely,
Sheila


Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear,
check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all
grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could
be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.



Walter

[rd2007]

I didn't think you could beat the fat women in HEB, cats, Richard Gere, and bus posts, but that was one of the funniest things I've ever read.

[dawgbert]

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.

A little girl raised her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must've been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised her back, went ‘Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****,' the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had toleave the room.

[dawgbert]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00033/00033130.jpg

[rd2007]

A woman went up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the
bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he
should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his
full beard. '

Are you the manager?' she asked,
softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to
speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his
hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the
bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a
message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip
and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them
gently.

'What should I tell him?' the
bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, '

There's no toilet paper, hand soap,
or paper towels in the ladies room.'

[dawgbert]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's TEXAS -- the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, flowing bayous, rolling hills, and dense forests The people from TEXAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, humorous and love good food and music. They are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in AUSTIN ."