Daily Joke Thread (Sherman, Rogers: sale, camp, kitchen)

[dawgbert]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

So God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, but for one oversight. "You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

[dawgbert]

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking BEER because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

BEER = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and talk crap than to drink water and be full of it.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

[dawgbert]

A nightie to remember . . .

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.
--

[Allahjandro]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject......

[dawgbert]

After 40 Years



After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment,
a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year old girl. Now, I
have a $500,000 home, two $45,000 cars, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58-year old woman who is not a hot chick anymore.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your s ide of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year old chick, and she would make sure that I would
once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.

[dawgbert]

The financial crisis explained in simple
terms.............................

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to
increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of
whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She
keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the
customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of
customers flood into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate
payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer,
the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local
bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and
increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern because he has the
promissory notes of Heidi's customers as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers
transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and
PUKEBONDS. These securities are then sold and traded on markets
worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean
and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices
continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk
manager of the bank, (subsequently fired due his negativity),
decided that the time has come to start demanding payment from Heidi
for the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

Unfortunately Heidi's customers cannot pay back any of their
debts to Heidi.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations to the bank and
claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND
performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by only 80%.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous
payment terms and also having invested in the securities are faced
with a new and desperate situation. Her wine supplier claims
bankruptcy and her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic
round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political
parties. They came up with a miraculous rescue plan that saved the
bank.

The funds required for this massive rescue are obtained by
levying a new tax on all the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand...

[AnthonySA]

^^--- hilarious but true;

[dawgbert]

A Russian doctor remarked, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.

A German doctor countered, 'That's nothing! In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.

An Israeli doctor then added, 'In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take a few butts out of Chicago , put them in Washington DC and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!"

[the_dimwit]

A married couple in their early 60s

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her
magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed; but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots....But fairies are......females

[dawgbert]

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.


Lutherans : None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
What's a light bulb?