Daily Joke Thread (disposal, cabin, safer)

[TXtrkgrl]

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Deep Forest]

Guy walks into the bar and sees a drunk sitting on the last seat at the counter. The drunk was pouring beer all over his hand. The guy walks up to him and says "why are pouring beer all over your hand ??" The drunk looks at him and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk !!!".

[dawgbert]

Philosophy 101




Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine

Money can't buy you happiness. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it' time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[Taco-n-Beer]

Chinese Sick day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt.
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I
really need you today. When I feel sick like you do,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You
try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what
you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon.........You got nice house

[Tippylou]

Originally Posted by Taco-n-Beer

Chinese Sick day
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt.
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I
really need you today. When I feel sick like you do,
I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You
try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what
you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon.........You got nice house

ROFLMAO I have to rep you for that one!

[dawgbert]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ?
Michael said, Just a minute I have to go pee ………………….
The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it ?
Sherman said, I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll
be right back ……………………
That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table.
And you little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners ????
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment ? I have
to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce
you to after dinner.”
The teacher fainted …………………….

[lonestar2007]

Cabela's!

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birth day.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to
the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, '
Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? '

He says, ' Ma' am, I'm completely blind ; but if you' ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes .

She doesn 't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, ' That' s a six- foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10- LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $ 20. 00.

She says, ' It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card, ' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts . At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, ' That' ll be $ 34. 50 please.

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ' Didn' t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20. 00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, ' Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

[dawgbert]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.

Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

[dawgbert]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[TXtrkgrl]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)