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Old 09-11-2009, 02:13 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
3,542 posts, read 5,641,853 times
Reputation: 3710

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Two atoms go to a bar. One atom says to another "Hey, I lost an electron!" The other atom said "really?" and he responded "Yes, I'm positive!"
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Old 09-11-2009, 09:31 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
413 posts, read 951,642 times
Reputation: 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnthonySA View Post
Two atoms go to a bar. One atom says to another "Hey, I lost an electron!" The other atom said "really?" and he responded "Yes, I'm positive!"
tee hee hee that made me giggle
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Old 09-17-2009, 08:33 AM
 
1,863 posts, read 2,619,880 times
Reputation: 2126
Default Do You Know Your State Motto?

Alabama: Heck Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas : Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut : Like Massachusetts , Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida : Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois : Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana : We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine : We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana : Land Of The Big Sky , The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada : Prostitutes and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio : At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon : Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island : We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didnít Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee : The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas : Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont : Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington : Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington , D.C. : Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia : One Big Happy Family... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming : Where Men Are Men ... and The Sheep Are Scared
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Old 09-17-2009, 02:01 PM
 
1,863 posts, read 2,619,880 times
Reputation: 2126
Default Isn't That Precious

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God!" "What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded sweetly, "Well, for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a
sh*t?"

I've learned to say with a smile, "Well, isn't that precious?"
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Old 09-18-2009, 09:45 AM
 
1,863 posts, read 2,619,880 times
Reputation: 2126
Default Updated Version of the Ant and the Grasshopper Story

OLD VERSION:



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.


The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.


The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a
video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?


Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing,

'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'

Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.


Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back

of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.


The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY : Be very very careful how you vote in 2010.
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Old 09-18-2009, 10:12 AM
 
558 posts, read 718,416 times
Reputation: 374
...this again??
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Old 09-19-2009, 01:22 AM
 
11,000 posts, read 7,204,830 times
Reputation: 8262
Quote:
Originally Posted by lonestar2007 View Post
MORAL OF THE STORY : Be very very careful how you vote in 2010.
Lol.
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Old 10-06-2009, 02:53 PM
 
Location: Schertz, TX
13 posts, read 22,404 times
Reputation: 26
Default An Italian Boys Confession

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or
later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'


'Four months vacation
and five good leads.'
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:21 PM
 
11,000 posts, read 7,204,830 times
Reputation: 8262
This is going to sound bad, but I have subscribed to another Daily Joke Thread in another town in another state. This one is very slow, but I still have this one on my list though.
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Old 10-06-2009, 07:57 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
1,454 posts, read 1,642,127 times
Reputation: 1947
A man is recounting his days in high school to another at a 10-year reunion. He says to his friend, "I remember running for student body president and discovering that my competition was blind." "Oh yeah?" says his friend. To which the man replied, "Yeah. When I found this out, I hit upon a great idea for a campaign speech. It started, 'I have a vision...'"

--Dim
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