Daily Joke Thread (Clint: university, living, pit bull)

[PopsGuysRule]

Originally Posted by sapphire

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

LOLOL, this had me literally near lmaopmp.......

[PopsGuysRule]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."[/font]

[Paka]

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

[sapphire]

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pi$$ed in your saxophone."

[Paka]

TOP TEN REASONS COMPUTERS
MUST BE FEMALE

1. They just sit there blinking dumbly at you.


2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.


3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed

to memory for future reference.


4. They frustrate the hell out of you when you give a command and

they don't, won't, or can't follow it.


5. Sometimes, try as you might, you can't turn them on

particularly if you already have a floppy in.


6 If you floppy disk has a virus, you can be $@#$@#$@#$@# sure your

computer will get it.


7. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.


8. A better model is just around the corner.


9.The best part of having one is the games you can play.


10. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

[PopsGuysRule]

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

[Paka]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[gwrober]

Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, "Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, "Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!"

[SanAntoQT]

Originally Posted by gwrober

Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, "Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.

This makes him whine, "Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!"

Definite rep! This is hilarious!

[gwrober]

Originally Posted by SanAntoQT

Definite rep! This is hilarious!

Haha, sweet, thanks!