Daily Joke Thread

[mudpuddle]

.
.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, purple, blue and orange.

My dad just kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad,
I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response,
knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did.

Not batting an eye in his response,

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.' .
.
.

[lonestar2007]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the The Oxford Eagle Newspaper in OXFORD, MS. and bought a mule for $100.. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news, the mule died last night. Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already.." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
Curtis said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison

[gwrober]

Halloween joke (well mostly):

What do vegetarian zombies eat?








GRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNSSSSS

[lonestar2007]

In a small Texas town, ( Mt. Vernon ) Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business.

The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'

[lonestar2007]

An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a
blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas,
when a strange bird scurried in front of them.

Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher
replied, "That's a bird of paradise."

The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a
moment, then said, "Long way from home, isn't it??"

...and the fight was on....

[rd2007]

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten '*****', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[rd2007]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those B's sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'


And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[rd2007]

6 Truths of Life


1. You cannot touch all of your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, while reading the First Truth, will try to do it.

3. And they will discover that the First Truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're one of those idiots.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. And there will still be a stupid smile on your face while you're
doing it.

I do not apologize about this and I do not feel sorry about sending it
to you.

I'm an idiot too and I just needed company!

Welcome to the club!!

[elnina]

Winter Classes for Men
at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, November 3rd, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours..

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[elnina]

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind?
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam... I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."
"But, madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"