Daily Joke Thread

[elnina]

Oh, come on, guys! Don't make me a lone joker here !

[temptation001]

Originally Posted by elnina

Oh, come on, guys! Don't make me a lone joker here !

Now you sound like granny.

[elnina]

Originally Posted by temptation001

Now you sound like granny.

... and that supposed to be funny...???

[temptation001]

Originally Posted by elnina

... and that supposed to be funny...???

To some .

[elnina]

Originally Posted by temptation001

To some .

to selective...

[ChiccaTX]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

[elnina]

Its my life.....

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

[FutureBrennanDad]

A Marine Corps General was raising a son, and when the son turned 18 he said " I am going down to the recruiting office to enlist." And the General was so proud.
When the boy returned the General said so you signed up for the Corps right? The kid said no I joined the Army. The look of disappointment came on the Generals face but then the boy said I am going to be a paratrooper and I know how dangerous a job that is. The Generals face lit up and said I am proud of you for not taking the easy way out.
When the boy came back from Ft Bragg after his training the General said tell me all about it. How did it go.
The kid said well dad we got to Jumping altitude and I was scared, when the jump master told us to stand I was shaking but I remember how you taught me courage was everything so I stood up. The General was so proud then he asked what happened next and his son said I got to the door and the Jump master said JUMP and I frooze dad I could not move. The General then said what happened. His son said the jump master pulled out his penis and said if I did not jump he was going to shove it in my butt. The General asked "Did you jump?" and the boy said a little at first.

[crazedchef]

Hello,

Have not read this thread in a while so if a double post....sorry. I know this is kinda old, makes me laugh anyway.



Subject: Well-Planned Retirement



> *From The London Times:*
>
> Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England,
> there is a parking lot for 150 cars
> and 8 coaches, or buses.
>
> It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket
> machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches A£5 (about $7).
>
> This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.
> Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
>
> "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up
> the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
>
> "Err
> ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is
> your responsibility."
> "Err
> ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the
> attendant was employed
> by the City Council, wasn't he?"
> "Err
> ... NO!" insisted the Council.
>
> Sitting
> in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who
> had been taking the parkng lot fees, estimated at A£400 (about
> $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a
> week, this amounts to just over A£3.6 million ($7 million)!
>
> And no one even knows his name.
>
> It's not what you make, IT'S WHAT YOU
> KEEP!

[crazedchef]

Sorry if this is a double post....

Old guys can be so helpful


I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and
I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.